How to deal with opposing parenting styles?

[ClashingParents]

DP and I have DD1 who is 2.5 and DD2 who is 4 months, as DD1 is getting bigger and more challenging (as toddlers are) it’s becoming more apparent me and DP have complete opposite parenting styles and it’s something we clash on every day and I’m really fed up with the arguments and comments and not sure what to do.

DP regularly raises his voice (not shouting or aggressive but not speaking at a normal level either and always exasperated with her) and just tells her off constantly for every little thing. For example today he was changing her nappy and she was wriggling and trying to stop him doing the nappy up and he just repeatedly snaps at her to stop misbehaving, to listen to him for once and just getting increasingly annoyed at her. It was making her act up more and start crying so I told him that raising his voice wasn’t helping and he walked off, left her without a nappy on and said “you do it then” whilst I had sleeping DD2 on me.

Another example is bath time - she gets very upset in the bath especially with hair washing and I’m always very calm, reassuring, make it fun for her and do songs and games and offer cuddles before she gets in if she’s very upset but DP just immediately gets frustrated “oh great another tantrum” “it’s just water” or frustratedly tells her to calm down.

His instant reaction when she has a tantrum is to argue back with her.

I have tried explaining to him so many times that she’s TWO, she can’t regulate her emotions and she just needs reassurance but he takes this very personally and says I’m obviously a much better parent than him so why don’t I do it all. Or he’ll say I think he’s a terrible dad.

if he’s in the middle of parenting this way when I’m there I always tell him to calm down and that it isn’t helping and rather than accept it and try to just be nice he will then get annoyed at me.

He says I’m a hippy parent and I can’t gentle parent my way through everything. I’m not a perfect parent, I snap at her sometimes but I find that being calm and understanding and picking my battles with her is what works best and she always calms down with me.

I’m not sure where to go from here really? I have lost respect for him, he isn’t kind or caring or understanding ever and I’m not sure he wants to change? Any discussion about it results in him feeling attacked or not seeing what he is like so I’m not sure how to approach it and as DD gets bigger I’m very aware of the affect this will be having on her.

My own dad was always grumpy and frustrated with me and I never felt loved by him and I really don’t want DD experiencing the same.

DP is 2 weeks into private psychotherapy for depression and anxiety.

Thanks for reading

I should add his idea of parenting is giving her the iPad whilst he scrolls endlessly on his phone, doesn’t ever take her out alone, doesn’t seem to enjoy doing anything with her (or ever). He has depression and is obviously never happy. Doesn’t enjoy coming to the park with us or feeding the ducks or anything wholesome we do together.

I love playing with her, doing colouring, taking her out, actually spending time with her.

Today she kept asking him to sit with her and he was making excuses and when I said she wants to sit with you he said “it’s boring I want to sit on the sofa“

another example is this afternoon I had DD2 in her cot whilst I got changed and DD1 wanted us to play hide and seek with DP, DP came in and knew we were hiding and just grumpily said “great idea to leave DD1 unsupervised” (she was 3 metres from me in the same room)

How can you be helped into leaving this kidult?. . Do not allow yourself and your kids to become his personal scapegoats here. Such men hate women, all of them.

How much of this behaviour from him is due to depression as opposed to he being an arse?.
I doubt very much that therapy will help him because he’s actually abusive. He’s not accepting any responsibility for his actions here nor is he apologising for same.

I would start planning my exit from this relationship now and particularly before both children realise that their dad is a self absorbed lazy arse. Trying to protect them from all this crap whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what yours taught you. It sounds like you got together with a man not too dissimilar in nature to your own father.

This is NO relationship model to show them. Would you want them as adults to have a relationship like yours is, no and you would want better for them. You need better for yourself too. Contact Women’s Aid and explore your options with them. Better to be on your own with your daughters than to be so badly accompanied.

Oh please do leave. He can't and won't change and your poor DDs will suffer. I know it's so so hard but it's not a different parenting style it's an inadequate man exercising his 'authority' with zero care or patience.

Kids at that age can be frustrating and annoying. It's hard work and are unlikely to be much fun.

He obviously doesn't like being a parent now but things may well change. Is he "abusive"? I don't know but only you know if it's worth hanging on. Kids change quickly and the dynamic with him may well change equally fast.

I didn't have much of a bond with my kids until they were about 4. I don't find very young kids that interesting and didn't much enjoy the early years of being a parent.

Add in the pressures of work etc and life was incredibly tough.

One for you to ponder.

Saying "Such men hate women, all of them." As Attalia says seems somewhat judgemental and highly emotive to say the least.

@MaxTalk nope, that's just excuses. He isn't even trying to be a good parent. He can see OP doing the things that work, but dismisses them. OP is parenting appropriately for a 2 year old - calm, boundaries, distraction. Her OH just shouts and snaps. At the very least he needs to realise that he has to change and should probably take parenting classes.

Agree he isn't trying to be a good parent but is that a major problem?

Understanding why he isn't bothered is the key thing I think. I was a rubbish parent when my kids were that age but now they are a few years older, I love them to bits.

But I recognise I am still far from perfect and never will be. But no one is perfect after all - we all have our challenges and those challenges change over time.

How long has he had depression and anxiety? He doesn’t sound like good parent material and he may never be, especially if he doesn’t see a problem. Could you try relationship counselling? Tell him his attitude is threatening your marriage and that if it continues, there will only one outcome.

Don’t think the self-centredness that drives the behaviour will change .
Hope the therapy helps his depression.

It absolutely is a major problem. OP has a toddler and a newborn to deal with, and the one person who is supposed to be there supporting it all and being a proper parent isn't even trying. I do not understand how you can excuse this behaviour, are you a man? The bar should never be set so low for any parent, male or female, that they get to opt out of any stage of parenting because it's difficult or tedious. When you decide to have a child, you take the rough with the smooth. You don't have to be perfect, but not trying isn't acceptable.

Until you mentioned depression and anxiety, I was seeing your DBH as self centred, almost abusive individual without warmth. I re-read your post and completely changed my mind. I want to ask whether he was already depressed when you had your 2 1/2 yr old and were there signs of this last time. Many of the things which are upsetting you could just be caused by straightforward depression. It's an all encompassing condition which makes you act quite of character. The other obvious thing could be at play is the way a new baby focusses the Mum away from her DBH but that's another kettle of fish. Would you read this which explains how men can suffer from post partum depression and anxiety ; https://utswmed.org/medblog/paternal-postpartum-depression/