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Original poster

What can I do about the “other woman”

28 replies

WellIdontknowwhattocallmyself · 14/10/2023 17:46

I am 19 and my boyfriend is 22. I don’t want to lose him and we both think we should stay together.
I know the opposite sex can be friends. I have male friends. I am in a serious relationship with my boyfriend. He has a female friend he is particularly close with and has been for years. I am very uncomfortable with the obtrusive things they have shared about themselves and our relationship because I am a very private person. I also unfortunately think she has fancied him for a long time, for various reasons. For example she has given him lovey dovey pet names, is a bit intense and has been sending questionable selfies of herself.
Apparently I have no real evidence that something is going on and I should put it behind me because he wasn’t really engaging in anything himself - until he wanted to go on what was essentially some kind of date involving staying at her place earlier on in the year but couldn’t because her religious mum was obviously against it. I heard from my boyfriend that her own boyfriend who I have never spoken to before thinks I am crazy for thinking she would be interested in my boyfriend

OP posts:
Alphyn · 14/10/2023 17:55

Have you made it clear to him that you’re not comfortable with him sharing private details about you and your relationship? If you have, then he has clearly not respected your boundaries. You say that you both think you should stay together but it sounds like you’re not on the same page re what is/isn’t acceptable in a relationship (e.g. him staying over at her place). Honestly, it sounds like he wants to fool around and is starting to gaslight you about the situation - if her boyfriend “thinks you are crazy”, it means that he’s obviously told his friend about your suspicions and not respected your privacy. Why do you want to stay together?

perfectcolourfound · 14/10/2023 18:01

First things first - don't believe what he's said about what her bf thinks. a) why would you care what he thinks? Your feelings and opinions are yours, and you don't have to change them if someone has a different view. b) your bf is very likely making up what the bf thinks, to try to convince you that you're being unreasonable.

Yes men and women can be platonic friends. It would be unreasonable to expect him to drop female friends.

Do you trust him? You think the 'OW' fancies your bf, and it comes across that you think that, given the opportunity, she would be in a relationship with him. If you trust your bf completely, it would be imaterial if she fancies him - you'd know he'd do nothing about it.

However, I can see why you might not trust him. He appears to be spending time with a women he knows fancies him, arranged to stay over at her house, and when his gf is concerned, tries to convince her she's being unreasonable / imagining things.

Something I learned when I was a few years older than you are now:- when a man really likes you, you know it. No questions, no doubts, he doesn't mess you around or lie or give you mixed messages. He doesn't go hot and cold. He wants to be with you, loves being with you. It doesn't mean he drops everyone else, but you know you're important to him.

It might just be you aren't right for each other. It could be that there is something going on with the other woman. It could be that he secretly enjoys her attention; his ego likes the idea that 2 women want him. He certainly doesn't prioritise making you feel better about the situation.

I think I'd chalk this one up to experience and walk away. Don't get dragged into discussions about her and him. Just say it isn't working for you and he isn't providing what you want.

Dotcheck · 14/10/2023 18:07

Is there safety in this relationship for you?

You absolutely do not have to put up with someone sending questionable selfies to your boyfriend. If he does not put a stop to it, then he is being disrespectful to your relationship.

Why haven’t you met the friend’s boyfriend? Surely if they were just good friends, you would all socialise now and again?

llareggub · 14/10/2023 18:10

You are 19. Love shouldn’t be this hard. Dump him and move on.

Dedsec2023 · 14/10/2023 18:11

simple answer, if a person wants to cheat then one way or another they will cheat, we can never truly trust another person, overall consider the possibility cheating is happening then either consider your options

SisterMichaelsHabit · 14/10/2023 18:14

You don't trust him. You think he's got the potential to cheat if this woman turns his head. Your BF has told you her BF "thinks you're crazy" but you have no other evidence so potentially your BF is gaslighting you.
There are so many other guys out there who aren't going to do this to you. This relationship has no happy future.
Trust your gut, it's screaming at you that this is all wrong.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2023 18:32

Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and dump this fuckwit. Don't make the mistake of wasting years of your youth on unworthy men.

MsDogLady · 15/10/2023 06:27

@WellIdontknowwhattocallmyself, your immature BF has set up an ego validation triangle — he enjoys having 2 competing women who adore him. He gets a buzz from this woman’s attention, intensity, ‘questionable’ selfies, and being there as his confidant. He also gets boosted when you express your discomfort and he manipulates you by calling you unreasonable.

He doesn’t respect you or your boundaries, as evidenced by his divulging information about you and your relationship…private information that he should not have shared. That disloyalty would be a dealbreaker for me.

Their dynamic is not going to change and neither is his game playing. If you value your peace of mind, you’ll leave them to it and walk away.

LolaSmiles · 15/10/2023 06:46

You don't trust him, he's enjoying the ego boost from two women, and he's not respecting basic boundaries by telling his friend details from your relationship.

You're 19. Relationships aren't meant to be this hard.

You'd be better walking away and finding a man who doesn't need women fighting over him for an ego boost.

Hillrunning · 15/10/2023 07:03

Argh! Relationships are supposed to make your life better. They are not supposed to be this hard. End things.

Brocollimatilda · 15/10/2023 07:04

You don’t trust him so it’s never going to work.

Sundance03 · 15/10/2023 07:15

Thus sound like too much work and insecurity, you're 19....dump him and move on

guild · 15/10/2023 07:22

I used to have a relationship like this. If he loves and respects YOU, he will make sure you feel you are put first. You can still have friends of the opposite sec without your partner feeling challenged in the way you do. I personally, at a much older age now, would but put up with this sort or behaviour but at your age I know I would have/did.

I dumped the guy and met someone who has never made me feel compromised like this. Not saying this is what you should do, but I'm saying a change needs to be made because if you're feeling that way, there is probably some emotional cheating going on (even if it's really innocent) and your bf is entertaining it. I'm not saying we are always 100% emotionally faithful to our partners all the time but I think as you get older you realise those feelings and make a decision really quickly whether you want to indulge the flirtation and hurt the person who supposedly care for, or you're going to put it to the side because that's the emotionally mature thing to do.

guild · 15/10/2023 07:23

Trust your gut, I think you know what's going on.

MrsElsa · 15/10/2023 07:24

You're 19. Dump and move on.

There are men out there who don't play these kinds of games ya know. Find one of them to be besotted with.

tara66 · 15/10/2023 07:26

Sounds like you are doing the ''pick me dance''.

silvercurtainpoles · 15/10/2023 07:49

Hey OP, there's nothing wrong with your BF having female friends but it's his responsibility to set boundaries with her in order to safeguard his relationship with you.

No, he shouldn't be tolerating her questionable selfies or going for sleepovers, he should be saying to her, 'mate, I'm in a relationship and this makes me uncomfortable. Please don't send me any more of these'.

If he's not doing that, I'd argue he's not prioritising your relationship and maybe even enjoying the attention.

If it's a good relationship you should feel safe and not be worrying about boundaries being crossed. But it doesn't sound like your bf is creating those boundaries. The fact that he's going out of his way to tell you that 'so and so' thinks you're 'crazy' is also a bit worrying.

The issue really isn't whether anything is going on or not but the fact that he knows this makes you feel insecure and he's not trying to fix it. That does not say good things about his character.

Original poster
WellIdontknowwhattocallmyself · 15/10/2023 09:35

I showed the picture to multiple people and they have described it as “seductive” which I knew

OP posts:
Littlemisslonley · 15/10/2023 09:57

I am 31. My now exdp is 41. We split 11 weeks ago over his female "friend" same thing...selfies...long facetime calls when I wasn't there...love heart emojis sent to each other. I called him out on it 6 times. He defended it 6 times until I saw a missed facetime call from her at 1am....I told him to back off from her and back a boundary or i can't be in the relationship anymore and he left..packed his bag and left...

If you feel its innapropriate and its wrong. It is!!! Leave. Before you end up in circles of mistrust and feeling shit. I should of left about a year ago when I didn't feel right that's my biggest regret

Lillygolightly · 15/10/2023 10:07

Oh gosh, I just wouldn’t have time for this if I were you!

Yeah sure he thinks you should stay together, because he can have you and continue to get ego strokes from this other woman. He wants his cake and to eat it!

He is also being very manipulative here, he’s got you jealous at home and her fawning all over him. He’s created himself a nice little triangle of drama and attention for himself. I bet he thinks it’s great!

He is not as committed to you as he claims, if he was you wouldn’t even be in this situation.

You are young and he is having you doing the pick me dance and putting you in competition with this other woman whether you recognise it as that or not, that’s what he is doing.

He is not a nice man, he is not a good partner or boyfriend. Toss this one back into to the ocean.

Littlemisslonley · 15/10/2023 13:26

Lillygolightly · 15/10/2023 10:07

Oh gosh, I just wouldn’t have time for this if I were you!

Yeah sure he thinks you should stay together, because he can have you and continue to get ego strokes from this other woman. He wants his cake and to eat it!

He is also being very manipulative here, he’s got you jealous at home and her fawning all over him. He’s created himself a nice little triangle of drama and attention for himself. I bet he thinks it’s great!

He is not as committed to you as he claims, if he was you wouldn’t even be in this situation.

You are young and he is having you doing the pick me dance and putting you in competition with this other woman whether you recognise it as that or not, that’s what he is doing.

He is not a nice man, he is not a good partner or boyfriend. Toss this one back into to the ocean.

This and this again. Yup!

PinkMoscatoLover · 15/10/2023 13:29

Ditch him

cornflower21 · 15/10/2023 13:31

Run, run, run.

Goldencup · 15/10/2023 13:32

perfectcolourfound · 14/10/2023 18:01

First things first - don't believe what he's said about what her bf thinks. a) why would you care what he thinks? Your feelings and opinions are yours, and you don't have to change them if someone has a different view. b) your bf is very likely making up what the bf thinks, to try to convince you that you're being unreasonable.

Yes men and women can be platonic friends. It would be unreasonable to expect him to drop female friends.

Do you trust him? You think the 'OW' fancies your bf, and it comes across that you think that, given the opportunity, she would be in a relationship with him. If you trust your bf completely, it would be imaterial if she fancies him - you'd know he'd do nothing about it.

However, I can see why you might not trust him. He appears to be spending time with a women he knows fancies him, arranged to stay over at her house, and when his gf is concerned, tries to convince her she's being unreasonable / imagining things.

Something I learned when I was a few years older than you are now:- when a man really likes you, you know it. No questions, no doubts, he doesn't mess you around or lie or give you mixed messages. He doesn't go hot and cold. He wants to be with you, loves being with you. It doesn't mean he drops everyone else, but you know you're important to him.

It might just be you aren't right for each other. It could be that there is something going on with the other woman. It could be that he secretly enjoys her attention; his ego likes the idea that 2 women want him. He certainly doesn't prioritise making you feel better about the situation.

I think I'd chalk this one up to experience and walk away. Don't get dragged into discussions about her and him. Just say it isn't working for you and he isn't providing what you want.

This, you are 19 you have your whole life ahead of you.

OldTinHat · 15/10/2023 13:37

What do you do about the OW?

You dump your BF, gather up the last bits of your self esteem, learn that you are not a doormat and give your head a wobble.

You're 19! You have a whole life ahead of you! Learn from this and stride forwards with confidence and self worth.