When is enough enough?

[overitall100]

I’ve been friends with this woman for a really long time. Just recently I’ve reached a point where I feel confused about her and her husband’s behaviour.
They are nice people but whenever we have all socialised the conversation is about them. They also constantly go on about having no money.
Because of our long history I’ve accepted it but I have noticed that when I talk about myself they become distracted. I was having a very hard time at work a while ago and I tried to talk about it and they started talking amongst themselves.
I had to back off a bit because I was also doing more of the hosting and was starting to feel resentful.
When they have been through hard times with friends or work I have been very loyal and supportive but when I had an issue with school she told me some mums were talking about me behind my back, yet told me not to say anything. So I was stuck feeling rubbish about it and unable to address the problem while she was still friendly with them on Facebook.

Another issue came up for them last year and again I was supportive as was my husband but it was a topic that was very raw for me and after her going on and on about it, I said I don’t think I’m the person to help you here. They had also become friends again with some people who were aggressive with them and they had really fallen out with in the past. So I tentatively asked why. Since then she has become cold and short with me and for my birthday I received just a old postcard instead of a usual card and gift and nothing for my husband’s birthday. I did send them something as I felt it was too early to start being cut and dry about things.

I have been working on myself this year to become less passive but still feel kind of hurt that they are able to to be so cold. They are not all bad but the more I think about it, I think I’ve just been useful to fill their diary at times and listen to their problems.

Anyone else had issues like this and how did you deal with it? Thank you.

Yeah, they sound very self centred. Most people are. You're well rid, imo.

Sorry, on reflection, that's not really helpful of me. The honest answer is I don't think you can change people like this, but you can decide not to have them in your life. I'd rather have no friends than bad friends who make you feel like crap.

I think you have to think long and hard about how this friendship makes you feel about yourself.

Some people (but not all) get great satisfaction in being what they consider a ‘good ‘friend’. This sounds like you.

Most relationships are usually a bit of give and take and it balances out over time.

Others are more transactional and look to see how it serves them. This is about a lack in them, not you.

I used to know another mother who would invite my Dd around to play ‘because she was good value’ (that’s an actual quote), meaning my child got on well with all three of her kids, so she didn’t have to invite extra kids for the other siblings.

The way I usually deal with something like this is to take a step back, don’t expect anything from them and only meet up if it’s something I really feel in the mood for.

I am in agreement with you. I find it it draining. Feel like she’s playing mind games now and that is a big no no for me. Thanks for your thoughts.

Thank you for seeing that. It is important to me to be a good friend and I do my best to help when I can.
Wow - I can’t believe they actually made the ‘value’ comment. Sounds like a real lack of awareness and not very flattering to you or your child. Thanks for your thoughts on this - I definitely need to take a big step back and let it do whatever it’s going to do!

Op, I say this as gently as possible, but stop wasting so much bloody time and emotional energy on people who just don't matter. These people do not add any value to your life, in fact, they bring you quite a bit of unhappiness. They are not your friends.

Bin. Them. Off. Don't look back, don't think another thing about them, and don't bother to explain yourself other than you no longer want them in your life.

Take control, don't be just a passenger in your own life.

I appreciate your honesty. I do know what you are saying and am really working on myself to become stronger. Agree - they are certainly not making me feel very happy. Thank you.

Some people have great value as social acquaintances but not as friends. Can you look at them as that? Fine as part of a larger group and as people you see out and about and can have a chat to, but don't share personal information with them and don't put yourself out for them.

If they start on about their problems, look for someone else you can say hi to and say "Ooh, I just wanted to make sure I say hi to X, excuse me for a moment." And off you go.

@OrderOfTheKookaburra I will give it a go. I certainly can't do anymore listening to endless problems. They are very sensitive about themselves so will probably make it all their latest drama. Thank you.

People change over time and old friends are no exception. If the relationship with them doesn't work for you anymore, accept it and just phase out of it gradually. No point hanging around if you don't feel emotionally supported anymore is my view.

I think you are absolutely right. It’s made me feel cr*p for some time so phasing it out seems best. Thank you.

I think you will feel a lot happier if you phase them out. Some people are just 'takers', and never give anything back. It's all about them and too much is just draining.
Particularly nasty was being told that other mums were talking about you behind your back yet no support from your so called 'friend.'
Don't invite them over, minimise contact and if you meet in a social setting extricate yourself politely and go to chat to others. I think you will feel a big sense of relief to be free of them.

Thanks. It actually really upset me and I’m only realising now the impact it had by not being able to say anything at the time. Makes me wonder if she was also saying things. Thanks for your advice. It’s really helped to vocalise my thoughts and get some feedback.