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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To question my upbringing?

22 replies

Jumpleaprun · 14/10/2023 15:35

My mum raised me as a single mum and worked her arse off to provide for me. Unfortunately that meant I hardly saw her, was constantly having to go to family’s house after/ before school, and didn’t get to have a relationship with my dad until my teenage years. Although my mother speaks about my childhood like I was spoiled (which I was in some ways) and had a beautiful upbringing, this is just generally not how I recall it. When I think of my childhood, the things that stick out the most are screaming matches my mother would have on the phone with my dad. My aunts forgetting to collect me from school regularly. Being woken up in the night when my mum finished work to go back home with her, my dad calling up drunk as a child and crying down the phone at me, my dads mother trying to kidnap me from the front door. I had so much terrible anxiety and depression growing up and I used to fight with my mum a lot. Only recently she has admitted that she feels partly responsible for my terrible anxiety but she also blames me for being terribly rebellious claiming I was spoiled. I generally avoid trying to think about my childhood because although my mum did some amazing things for me, I can’t help feel she just tried to stuff the mum hole I had with gifts. I’m starting to wonder if I really was just too spoiled and that it’s normal to have some bad memory’s from childhood?

OP posts:
greenspaces4peace · 14/10/2023 15:41

Of course it’s normal to have bad memories.
Its what helps us mature and improve ourselves our families going forward.

DustyLee123 · 14/10/2023 15:42

I think that a lot of people feel that our parents could have done better. There’s no instruction pamphlet, you just do what you think is right.

Jumpleaprun · 14/10/2023 15:47

Id like to also add incase I was not clear, I do not enjoy thinking of my childhood at all, it evokes sadness.

OP posts:
greenspaces4peace · 14/10/2023 15:55

Best to unpick this with a qualified therapist.
At various stages in life I think it’s normal to experience this.

Riverlee · 14/10/2023 15:57

It sounds like you had different interpretations of your childhood.

You admit that in some ways you were spoilt, and this is what you mum recalls. It sounds like she worked hard to give you a decent upbringing.

However, you remember the personal things, the shouting, being let down etc. ie, the emotional side of your childhood.

Maybe your mum did try to shower you with gifts, to make up for other things on your life. She may have thought she was doing right by you at the time, although let you down emotionally.

PaintedEgg · 14/10/2023 15:59

how old are you?

i find that a lot of parents of now 30-somethings had this idea of "spoiling" their children with money while failing to just be there for their kids. A lot of us had "things", but money does not buy happiness and there are no things that could compensate for vivid memories of loud arguments or parents being constantly out - even if they were working.

Unfortunately this is something we can only learn from and not repeat the same mistakes should we chose to be parents

DustyLee123 · 14/10/2023 16:00

I used to be woken up in the middle of the night to go home from the neighbours, where I was baby sat, every Friday and Saturday night. My mother, whose DH had left her for his pregnant new woman, used to go out with friends. I wouldn’t ever do it, but good on her for making the best of it.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/10/2023 16:01

To be honest, reading between the lines on that, possibly biased as a single mum myself, I can't help thinking it sounds like your mum worked her arse off out of necessity to feed you, and that your father was useless, hence the screaming down the phone to get some help from him, and that she was absolutely knackered.

Jumpleaprun · 14/10/2023 16:02

Im 32.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 14/10/2023 16:05

Your mom did her best in a shite situation tbh what was she supposed to do? Can't stop working and dole doss can't afford paid for childcare can't rely on your father or her errant family for the most part

You do sound a bit spoiled tbf

CreationNat1on · 14/10/2023 16:07

I used to be driven home by extremely drunk father quite regularly, or sometimes sober mum would drive after family night out at a country pub, falling asleep in the pub, being lifted into bed from the car. Drunk dad would get nasty and passive aggressive at home time... Once I was old enough to drive, I became the taxi, he ld sometimes buy me a few glasses of beer too. Sometimes get nasty at home time to me too.

We weren't collected from school, made our own way home.

Parenting standards were lower back then.

I have to say I remember the good memories more than the bad.

stayathomer · 14/10/2023 16:08

Sorry op no I wouldn’t say those kind of memories were normal. Maybe at times you were spoilt to make up for other stuff but it might be her seeing it or trying to see it differently. I’d definitely say talk it out with someone and hugs x

Almostautumn2023 · 14/10/2023 16:09

Sounds like you had a very unstable childhood, yes your mother was doing the best she could but sounds like you didn’t know if you were coming or going.

CreationNat1on · 14/10/2023 16:09

Gifts might be her love language, she might find it hard to express her love in other ways.

DustyLee123 · 14/10/2023 16:09

Just to play devil’s advocate, how much of this do you blame on your father ?

PaintedEgg · 14/10/2023 16:10

Jumpleaprun · 14/10/2023 16:02

Im 32.

not that i run some stats, but you're not the first person I spoke to with similar experienced - and I'm very much included in this group

I was financially very spoiled, I will never deny it...but I also remember my parents never being there, and what I would now call lack of guidance and support. I was always expected to somehow know what was right and wrong, and had to meet their high expectations never quite knowing what those were (I don't think I've met those expectations either, or that they had precise idea of what they expected).

They corrected this with my sister and when compared, we have had very different childhood and consequently very different relationship with our parents. It's not that either is strained - just very different, and I don't hold much nostalgia for my childhood.

My parents on the other hand considered me spoiled, arrogant and argumentative :)

Jumpleaprun · 14/10/2023 16:11

I know that this is true, and my mother did everything she could to make a life for us. I also understand that when you are away so much it is easier to buy a child the happiness you might not be able to provide them with being home and doing activities with them. I think my biggest problem is my mother disusing my childhood like I was some privileged brat who got the world, when in reality we were a very working class single parent family with a very chaotic home life that resulted in me acting out as a teen due to emotional instability. I used to have very intense fights with her and some even got physical because we would make each other that angry. I remember crying once as a kid being so sad and upset that I said I just wanted to die and she would laugh in my face. I cant seem to get past all the bad memories and they have completely overshadowed any good.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 14/10/2023 16:13

@Jumpleaprun I think therapy would help you, just speaking from experience

I don't think these memories become any less painful with time, so it's best to deal with those feelings

greenspaces4peace · 14/10/2023 18:11

in my experience the people i know go through these reflective phases every 10 years or so.
it does take time and some extra help wouldn't hurt to help you learn some balance.
by that i mean balancing the memories of unmet needs and wants with some happier memories (hopefully there are some).
example only: from the age of 10 i was deemed fully responsible for all life admin (registering for school, any after school club including dental and medical appointments) rather than viewing it as near neglect i remind myself of the other more positive aspects.

Longdogtreat · 24/01/2026 17:26

Try hearing what this person is saying. I hear their pain. Imagine if it were you...a child going through that. Life has good and bad memories but we should listen when a person speaks about their childhood....not simply judge someone we do not know and have never met.

moderate · 26/01/2026 12:52

Jumpleaprun · 14/10/2023 15:35

My mum raised me as a single mum and worked her arse off to provide for me. Unfortunately that meant I hardly saw her, was constantly having to go to family’s house after/ before school, and didn’t get to have a relationship with my dad until my teenage years. Although my mother speaks about my childhood like I was spoiled (which I was in some ways) and had a beautiful upbringing, this is just generally not how I recall it. When I think of my childhood, the things that stick out the most are screaming matches my mother would have on the phone with my dad. My aunts forgetting to collect me from school regularly. Being woken up in the night when my mum finished work to go back home with her, my dad calling up drunk as a child and crying down the phone at me, my dads mother trying to kidnap me from the front door. I had so much terrible anxiety and depression growing up and I used to fight with my mum a lot. Only recently she has admitted that she feels partly responsible for my terrible anxiety but she also blames me for being terribly rebellious claiming I was spoiled. I generally avoid trying to think about my childhood because although my mum did some amazing things for me, I can’t help feel she just tried to stuff the mum hole I had with gifts. I’m starting to wonder if I really was just too spoiled and that it’s normal to have some bad memory’s from childhood?

she also blames me for being terribly rebellious claiming I was spoiled

She blames you for being spoiled... even though she was perforce the one spoiling you?

Your mother probably worked hard to correct what she perceives to have been her own parents' failures, and is a little blind to her own failures.

www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse

Bibi12 · 26/01/2026 14:32

Everyone on this thread seems to think your mother failed you. What about your father? He is the one who failed you the most. He wasn't even there and left your mum with no support. It's extremely hard being a single parent trying to juggle long working hours, financial worries and childcare. Then to deal with toxic absent ex on top. It can really affect someone's mental health and ability to give emotionally. Very easy to judge when you've never been in that position. Sounds like it was very hard for her too although obviously as a vulnerable child you suffered the most.

It's a shame she can't validate your feelings but maybe from her point of view she had to go above and beyond to provide you with childhood thay you had or maybe she just can't admit to herself that you weren't happy and that she wasn't perfect.
Unfortunately there was no awareness of how to parent years ago so many of us struggled as children one way or another.

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