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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why do cheaters always lie - even when presented with proof?

6 replies

Gailswinds · 14/10/2023 12:26

I had screenshots of finding them ‘active’ on dating apps. Yet they said they didn’t know, forgot their profile was still there, just because they were on there, doesn’t mean they did anything wrong.

He left me anyway.

And still claims how good he was to me, he never sough to cheat or cheated on me etc.

What is this? Gaslighting? It’s so weird and hurtful. Just be honest and apologise?

OP posts:
Dustpantsandbush · 14/10/2023 12:33

Liars gonna lie.

FairyMaclary · 14/10/2023 12:36

A few reasons- not all relevant for all cheaters.

Because the image he has of himself doesn’t match the real him. ‘I’m a good guy’.

Because they compartmentalise.

Because the cognitive dissonance they experience requires them to justify it - it’s nothing, s/he doesn’t like me anyway, s/he is cheating on me, I was just looking, it means nothing.

It is also a control problem, they like to remain in control. If they told you the truth and allowed you to make an informed decision then YOU might decide to leave. By controlling the narrative they get to decide.

Because they feel they deserve more than the 80% a normal relationship provides. He need smoke up his arse or ego kibbles. He can’t self soothe or entertain himself. Etc etc.

Because they are proven liars. It’s a poor character trait. They are okay with lying, to themselves, to others. Lies are okay.

They only believe in fidelity to a point. They have a but in their belief system - I believe in fidelity but not if it’s on a lads night out. I believe in fidelity but not if I definitely won’t be caught. I believe in fidelity but it doesn’t count if it’s my ex.

No kids, No marriage, no mortgage together - run like the wind. He’s done you a huge favour as the poor character traits that allow him to cheat are the same traits that make reconciliation nigh on impossible. You don’t want kids with this bad egg.

potatoheads · 14/10/2023 12:39

Because if they admit they will have to deal with the consequences and fall out. If they just deny it sort of prevents any ongoing conversation you can't talk at a brick wall. It's like trump. Just say something that is blatantly untrue and never waver. It's impossible for anyone else to go anywhere with that.

TurnerP · 14/10/2023 16:15

It's easy to lie if you don't have a conscience

Specso · 14/10/2023 16:37

Because it would mean actually admitting that they've treated you appallingly.

They're ok with the act of cheating but not ok with admitting it or seeing your pain THEY have caused etc.

If they carry on lying they feel like they are still in control of the situation and how much you know/don't know.

fetchacloth · 14/10/2023 16:44

TurnerP · 14/10/2023 16:15

It's easy to lie if you don't have a conscience

Yep this I'm afraid. They can't help themselves 😒

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