I still feel anger towards my parents all these years later, how do I get over this?

[MyheartgoingBoomBoomBoom]

I am 50 and for as long as I can remember I have suffered from anxiety, panic, ocd behaviours and poor mental health in general. There are mental health issues on my mum’s side of the family so my problems are probably a combination of genetics and learnt behaviour.

When I look back I do feel I had a good childhood but it was blighted with my many anxieties and sadly those issues have been a major factor in my adult life too, I have struggled with many things and during my adult life I have tried to seek help on my limited funds but am actually worse now than I have ever been.

But (and I do hate myself for feeling this), deep down I feel a great amount of resentment towards my parents for not helping me when I was younger. I appreciate it was the 70’s/80’s and most adults weren’t seeking counselling for their own issues let alone for their children but I really struggled with so much and was basically the butt of most jokes in our family as a result of my,molten, weird behaviours.

I developed issues with food around the age of 7 which I still suffer from (diagnosed with ARFID), I was so hyper that I was prescribed Phenergan for sleep, I had many ocd’s including obsessions over dirt and contamination, getting lost when out and about, my younger sister going missing and issues over fear of bleeding to death if I accidentally cut my wrist (my dad was a bit of a joker so his idea of ‘fun’ regarding this was to grab my wrist and pretend to saw at it with the blunt end of a bread knife, he would do this as I walked passed him in the kitchen and I can still remember it clearly to this day).
They would also (mum, dad and sister) pretend to all leave the house without me (I’d be in my bedroom and they’d shout ‘bye’ and slam the front door shut) and when I came running down the hallway in blind panic there they would be by the door laughing at the ‘fun’ of it. I mean wtaf was that all about?

I know you’d look and be thinking to yourself how on earth could she say she had a happy childhood but I feel I did but since having my own dc (and I am far from a perfect parent), I look back at my younger years and can’t help but think why would they do those things and why did they not get help for me?

My own ds had an awful 5 years of extreme anxiety and school refusal. The first thing I did was to get him help, some counselling and now he is a much happier and contented 18 year old. I hope that early intervention will help his future mental health and whilst I am on this planet, if my dc ever need me to help them with their mental (or physical) health I will be there but I feel such sadness that my parents couldn’t do that for me. Dad tells me that Impander too much to my dc (like his was the fucking parent of the century). Yet when my own dsis (who is 2 years younger) had her own issues with school refusal she got to see a child psychologist (Albeit via the school but we were all involved with that) but then again my parents have always done more for my sister than me (and that’s a whole other thread!)

I have always maintained a close relationship with my parents and feel they are good people, especially my mum, she was kind and a good mum but they are now over 80 and mum has dementia, dad relies on me ALOT and I see them most days.

But I can not drop this inner anger and frustration that dad now calls upon me to help all the time yet still never acknowledges my mental health issues (and now physical health issues) and maybe, I wouldn’t be struggling as I am today had I been given the opportunity for help when younger. I have tried talking to my dad about this and I just get replies on the lines of ‘Pffff, you’ve always been like this, that’s just you, you’ve always been highly strung and you just need to calm down, nothing wrong with you!’ - I can not fully articulate how fucking incensed that makes me.

I think that part of the reason I am in a particularly bad place with my mental health atm is because my dad relies heavily on me and my sister these days because of mum’s dementia. As all the above proves, he is not a natural carer. Nurturing and empathy doesn’t come natural to him.

As I say, I see them most days but feel quite a deep resentment because I am helping them now but where was my help when I was struggling as a little lost and frightened girl? Scared of these overwhelming thoughts and feelings which no one explained to me, no one sat me down and helped me work through these intrusive thoughts?

No amount of counselling has helped me overcome this inner burning anger and pity for my younger self.

How do I let this drop?

Forgiveness ♥

Foisting the pressure to forgive on someone is not helpful.

OP have you had any therapy? All your thoughts and feelings are valid.

you need to put your own mental health first and find a better balance when helping parents. Sorter less often visits. Tell them you’ve health issues so need to be careful. Encourage them to get paid staff.

mental health care was dire back in the 80s, if they didn’t naturally have the capacity to think of well-being too, then you must have found your feelings difficult to navigate. Forgiveness really helps, acknowledge they didn’t meet your needs but they didn’t have the capacity to do so.

Also look else where to work through emotions, it sounds like they just don’t understand and so I wonder if it’s worth even having a battle to express how difficult it was for you

You were and remain the scapegoat in this family and your parents and sister treated you very cruelly. Such people I feel should not be readily forgiven for what they did. They have to this day not apologised nor have accepted any responsibility for their actions. They were once young and abusive, now they are old and abusive.

You owe your parents nothing really, let alone a relationship or your caring for them
now. Your own sense of obligation is making you do that and you seemingly have fear obligation and guilt in spades. Those are but three of many damaging legacies your parents gave you. Give that little girl in you a voice, she needs to be heard. You may want to look at and or post on the current well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these Relationships pages.

Your dad is who he is, and won’t change. You either accept that and see him for the remainder of his life, or you go low contact.
My dad sounds very similar to yours, I still remember him hanging me off the side of a bridge as a child for a laugh. I accept that he is the way he is and see him, ignoring all racist and sexist comments, for as long as he’s got left.

They had the capacity to help you when you were younger but chose not to do so, they helped your favoured sister though. She remains the golden child and that is a role not without price either.

Can you step back a bit and let carers pick up some of the slack? Make yourself less available and focus on you and looking after yourself?

I think a PP is correct, once you can forgive them you can move on. Don’t know how you do this though.

OP I am the same age as you and had a less than perfect childhood. I have learned to accept my DF’s failings because he had a poor childhood too and that left him a mess. It took therapy and being sick of thinking about it to make me realise the past is gone and I only have now.

Many people do have not ideal childhoods and go onto choose not to abuse and or otherwise make them the family scapegoat for their inherent ills. Your parents had a choice here and they chose to inflict similar as what was done to them. They never sought to accept the necessary help

So many parallels. I've tried to Gorgie but I can't because I realise they would rather pathologise me than hear my perspective. My perspective doesn't exist, except as an act of aggression I the villain perpetrate against them. So even though I forgive their parenting from the 70s and 80s, ie, the parenting that damaged me, what I can't forgive is that they will not acknowledge any shortcoming at all, in the present. So it seems to get harder to forgive over time, not easier. It's not just the original incompetence, it's the ego that prevents them from listening to me. They double down on shaming me, blaming me, excluding me smearing me.

I read that Pete walker book, the tao of fully feeling. It was a good book. But I can't forgive them because they still choose to invalidate my perspective to protect their egos.

Ps this may sound callous to some but although I'm thr age as you my parents are 79 so at this point luckily they don't need looking after, but I have decided I wont care for them. I have begged to be heard. I completely lost my dignity. We are not a real family and that is not what I wanted. I tried to connect, it made them angry. I will not be caring for them
Mu sibling who sees me through their distorted lens van do that.
Don't deplete yrslf caring for people who didn't see you.

They did take you to the doctors though to try and get you help as you were prescribed phenergan. I don't think mental health services and counselling was available as it is now.

School got help for your sister and not you but that's not necessarily your parents fault, if you didn't meet the criteria for a referral.

Not saying they were great but your resentment that they didn't try may be out of proportion.

Not saying they were great but your resentment that they didn't try may be out of proportion.

I think the deliberately triggering her fears as a prank was a bit more than "not great".

Are you ND OP? You talk about being hyper, not sleeping, weird, bullied, eating issues, anxiety, OCD, struggling, overwhelmed, intrusive thoughts - and that's often what childhood looks like for an ND child IMO. I'd be wondering about possible ASD and ADHD.
If it is the case and it helps you understand yourself a bit more that might be the key to understanding your feelings during childhood and help you moving forward. Might not be but worth considering from what you've described.

Thank you AtrociousCircumstance I have had many years of counselling, EMDR and endless CBT. I am currently in a waiting list for more CBT to help with my health anxiety but I won’t obviously address the above issues.

ThreeLeggedParrot I have eased off the visits to how they used to be, I was spending many hours there and doing a lot for them. I now have a carer in for mum and although I pop in most days instead of several hours it’s just be an hour or so. However, I now receive sarky remarks from dad that no-one visits and when I do it’s just a ‘flying visit’ even though I do go in at least 4/5 times a week and my dsis also pops in a couple of times a week. I do need to find forgiveness but it’s hard when dad is still so mean spirited over many things. I have posted previously and it’s a long drawn out story but basically he has a vast amount of money and my sister is unwell and on a long waiting list for surgery yet never has my dad offered to help her. It is also hard to forgive when this is still having a lasting impact on my mental and physical health. My dad appears not to concern himself about my sisters or my health issues. My life is very restricted atm because of my issues but in some ways I think he likes the fact I have no career and am just around the corner, on call whenever he needs me.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fear, Obligation and Guilt - yes, they the balls and chains that a carry with me, that is exactly how I feel over so much. It has made me into a people pleaser and a yes person which is frankly bloody exhausting. I did once try to explain all of my hurt and how I felt as a child, to my dad but he just went quiet, changed the subject and it was never spoken of again.

DustyLee123 of goodness, that’s awful. Our dad’s must come from the same mould, I won’t even get into just how racist and sexist my dad is, it gives me the rage.

WeeStyleIcon everything you’ve written completely resonates with me. Completely. I too can forgive the past but the fact nothing is acknowledged in the here and now is unforgivable, to have no understanding or what appears to be lack of compassion for your own grown up children who are struggling with physical and mental health issues is something unfathomable to me especially since being a parent myself.

1willgetthere I appreciate your take on it but I just can not see it that way. The only reason they got me on Phenergan was because they had had enough of me constantly getting out of bed and coming into the living room when they wanted the evening to themselves. As a parent I totally understand that but it was literally the only thing they did for my mental health issues, to zonk me out for bedtime, when all I wanted was for someone to talk to me because I was petrified of dying in my sleep as I would contemplate the meaning of life every time I went to bed, it was a scary time for me. And teasing me for my worries and anxieties isn’t great parenting whichever era your are parenting in.

itsmyp4rty I have never had a diagnosis but yes, I believe that I am ND. I would talk incessantly (once talked non stop on a 7 hours car trip), constantly on the go especially thought processes and I would stim a lot (have only recently come to the realisation it could be stemming) but because of how this has left me feeling, that no one took notice of my issues as a child, I fear that will be the same as an adult so just can not bring myself to ask the GP about it for fear of appearing to jump on some current ‘trend’.

@MyheartgoingBoomBoomBoom I think your anger is a perfectly understandable reaction to being put through such cruelty. Your parents should have protected and nurtured you. Do not hate yourself for feeling the resentment, it is perfectly justified. Those 'jokes' weren't funny, they were fucking cruel. You're still feeling that anger because you can understand their behaviour all the more now, when you were younger you probably felt hurt and confused when they did those things, now you can see how nasty it was. Who would wish that pain on a child, let alone their own child.

I have tried talking to my dad about this and I just get replies on the lines of ‘Pffff, you’ve always been like this, that’s just you, you’ve always been highly strung and you just need to calm down, nothing wrong with you!’ - I can not fully articulate how fucking incensed that makes me.

Because he is turning it all round to be your fault, as if he has played no part in any of it. Yet now he expects you to spend a large part of your life helping him.

I don't know how you can let your anger drop but I do think taking back some control will help - you don't need to always be available, you can start to distance yourself and let him feel what it's like to be vulnerable for a change, let him organise something for himself, you owe him no kindness. You really do not need to forgive his continuing nastiness. He doesn't want to be called to account for his behaviour or to even admit it so he certainly doesn't deserve forgiveness.

In distancing yourself you can start to nurture and care for yourself and keep yourself emotionally safe from him. I think it might help you if you use the grey rock technique when you do need to have any dealings with him. He's not going to change or admit his wrongdoing, acceptance of that might help you see that it's not you, it's him, he's a sad old man who has had to make others suffer so he didn't have to face up to himself.

I know it's not the MN done thing but I'd like to give you and your younger self a hug ❤

My therapist, my second therapist out of 3 suggested I had ADHD and I shot her right down. I sound like woody Allen saying "my second therapist" I realise.
But she saw a version of me that was triggered, hurt, reactive, while detailing all of the double standards and silencing and shaming id been subjected to. Not being heard growing up makes not being heard as an adult more painful. I'm not like that around colleagues and friends.
So it"s like, if you share your trauma, people ask "any chance you have ADHD?". = you have difficulty containing your emotions, you are REACTIVE.

not, some very upsetting things have happened to you but you see it, you see its effect on you and you"re sharing it here for €60 ph

How do you think it would go if you took the, "living well is the best revenge" path and concentrated on doing what suited you?
Wouldn't a man who did that avoid any judgement? "I used to go round and help Dad out, but he just complained about whatever I did and meanwhile Sis is waiting for her op when he could just make it happen tomorrow, so I thought, to hell with this, and stopped" - you'd think, "fair enough", no?

@MyheartgoingBoomBoomBoom yes I agree with pp the reason it makes you, and tbh, I mean us (when I type this) so fucking incensed is that shaming the adult you claim to love is a very good way of maintaining your image of yourself as perfect.
Eg, it's not that parents have no empathy, it's that you were "sensitive". So that hides their failure to listen to their children and empathise. My parents did not have the patience for negative emotions but their view of themselves is honestly that they are lovely, so any attempt to communicate doubt, fear, upset or anxiety was met with the cold shoulder. That trained me not to show any emotion that wasn't optimism or gratitude. And now, in the present its more of the same, they cannot acknowledge that they do not listen or that my perspective doesn't exist, so they hide those shortcomings behind labelling me "aggressive" or "detached from reality". (My mother's perspective is reality).
So I am left realising that the damage done to my confidence, the immense hurt, pain, frustration and exasperation it was all just to protect their egos!
And the kicker, my brother who is capable of a conversation, still feels, despite his "rational" family label that I should just accept the regime.
He has admitted reluctantly that he can see how some things that happened hurt me but yet so ingrained is the family dysfunction, that his anger is at me. Just knuckle under and accept the regime his siiiighs seem to say. So I'm stuck with this
After my parents die my brother will honour their legacy by viewing me through their lens.

Forgiveness is not easy. I'm allowing myself to be angry right now. I'm not through that stage yet.

In the last 4 years I have moved from white hot rage to exasperation and sadness
Progress!

Mental health wasn't a thing then. Neurodiverse wasn't a thing as such coz everything was looked at so differently then. The help wasn't there for them to seek, because there was no understanding of it.
My dad tells me all the time when he was younger ADHD just wasn't thing, you were just seen to be a naughty child
With that been said it doesn't excuse their treatment of you but realistically they wouldn't understand it now if you spoke to them as to them it was how they parented.
You have to find a way to accept it for your own peace and make sure you don't make the same mistakes they did. You can't change what happened but you can change the future x

I think there are two parts to your post saying why didn't they seem support for me and then the cruel teasing and taunting which verges on emotional abuse.
There was no school counselling or mental support in the times your talking about socially mental health was either very severe and needing institutional support or a case of buck up keep going what have you got to moan about. There was a lot of shame and embarrassment around it too. You can't blame them for not accessing help that wasn't there unless they were rich.
The insensitive teasing and abusive comments are a different issue and that's what needs addressing has he continued to be like this?

I have autism and I'm pretty sure my father did too, he was also an abusive narcissist. He used to enjoy winding me up until I lost control (had a meltdown) as I would then feel so drained and full of self loathing that I would self harm or attempt suicide. He enjoyed having that power over someone (his words).

I looked after him when he got sick as I'm a better person than him but I've never forgiven him and never will. It is frustrating that I will never get to tell him what a pathetic piece of shit he is but as he had no ability to self reflect or empathise there wouldn't have been much point. I can understand why he was the way he was but he doesn't deserve forgiveness.

My suggestion is to get away from them. They will never bring anything good into your life. Don't waste your life waiting for an apology and validation that will never come.