Finance, Fairness and Family

[RosyLizard]

Financial Stresses

My partner and I have been together for 10 years now. We bought our house 18mos ago.

Second year we were together he lost his job. He decided he wanted to set up a business and make a go of it... It's been 8 years now and aside from one client (secured through my contacts and intros) the business doesn't have much happening. He spends majority of the day at home, watching YouTube videos etc and then complains when I come home that he's done nothing all day... I've suggested things to try and help (offered to help with marketing, finding new clients etc,) but he shrugs it off. Then we have the same conversation the following day/week.

I'm frustrated with this as I work full time, do all the cooking, pay most of the bills and sort the dog we have too... Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to do this, it'd just be nice to feel supported.

We got engaged a few years ago... Not how I'd pictured it happening (no ring etc. More of a should we get married? Um ok), but I thought it was a step in the right direction.

I am currently stressed out at work and trying to source a new position, however I'm struggling to match the same pay I'm on that we need for the mortgage. We've spoke about it and each time he says maybe he should look for a job, but then he does nothing about it.

On top of that, I'm almost 32 and really wanted to have started a family by now. We've discussed this, he's decided he doesn't want children, despite saying before it was something he wanted. He claims he doesn't want to because we can't afford it... I feel frustrated, because I feel that if he got a job, we'd be comfortable and could have kids,, but he never seems to see it that way.

I don't want to be an asshole, but I'm really struggling not to lose my shit with him. I hate confrontation and I hate arguing, so I avoid it majority of the time.

Any advice? Anyone been through similar and lived to tell the tale?

You can do better! He's sounds like a man child so not someone I would choose to be the father of my children. Leave now while you still have time.

Yeah. Lose him.

He's not contributing in any form, financially, emotionally or practically. Hasn't for years.

You're worth more than a manchild.

Oh please don’t waste your fertile years with a lazy manchild, OP. You want real children, not having to mother an adult. I know it’s hard to break a decade-long habit, but don’t risk being in the same rut after another decade.

EIGHT YEARS!?!

good grief. If the business was going to work, it would have taken off by now.

If he WANTED to make it work, it would have a fighting chance.

I think you've backed a loser here tbh.

You need to raise your expectations and find someone worthy. He’s lazy, de-motivated and taking the piss

What everyone else said, you've been a loving and supportive partner and he's taken you for a ride. He has no intention of getting a job or doing anything for you and frankly why would he when he's got his money making machine working for him so he gets to play at working and relax and have fun. Raise your bar, give him a month to get a job and start earning or you're out of the relationship and mean it. He'll either step up and find a job or won't and you'll know he's a freeloader.

So he doesn't earn any money, but he doesn't do any housework either?

What a waste of space. Don't have children with this man.

OP, exactly what other than aggravation are you getting out of this relationship? It is not unreasonable that a man without an reliable source of income should not want to marry or have a child. He probably recognizes his limited contributions .

Before he considers marriage or a child, he should find a job. You have made life so easy for him that he is not motivated to take the necessary steps. Eight years is far too long to maintain a business that is barely limping along.

You should consider giving him a specific timeline to get his professional life in order and to start making an acceptable financial contribution.

I would not entertain any fantasy of an engagement. He would either show clear commitment to becoming a responsible adult , or I would begin gathering resources to buy him out of your home.

A

He's clearly earning no money

How exactly did he help buy your house?

Read your OP again

What is the point of him?

The bar for him is so low in this relationship it's barely off the ground.

Advice?

Ditch the freeloading, cocklodging arsehole and find someone with similar values to yourself.

You are very fortunate that you have not become pregnant and gad DC with this man, meaning when you leave him you can forget about his lazy arse forever.

You’ve been together 10 years and he’s been unemployed for 8 of them. He doesn’t do housework or cooking. He doesn’t want children and you do. He doesn’t have any intention of improving his financial situation or running a hoover over the floor or doing anything that isn’t watching YouTube. You avoid arguments by doing an astronomical amount of sucking it up. You are 32.

If a friend who you liked and cared about came and said this was their situation and what should they do to have a shot at future happiness what would you say to them? If it was my friend I would say cut your losses and run. You are better off on your own. This man is a black hole that will consume your every resource and desire and sit dully, ignoring you, while he does it. You’ve put 10 years in and you don’t want it to be for nothing but it’s better to spend 10 years on this than 10 years and a day. how will you feel at 42 if you stay? How about 62? You can find a real life outside of this.

So you have a cocklodger dossing in your house?
Please raise your standards.

Sounds like you are already a parent to a bone idle teenager op. Is this the life you see for the future? Betcha he suggests you have the dc and he be the sahp...

He will never marry you and if he does get a job and turns his life around he will leave.

Him not being ready for children should be enough to want to call time on this. All the other red flags are just bonuses.

Do not waste another minute in a relationship that isn't going to get you the life you want.

I would leave; a man who is happy to be kept by you for this long is not going to change and he isn’t putting you first if he can clearly see you struggling in your job.
You will find yourself better off financially and meet someone who is your equal. I’ve been in this position and it doesn’t get better, you just have to leave for anything to change

Is this an AI post? “Anyone been through similar?”

If real, why on earth is this still dragging on after eight years? Why would you want to get married to this loser? Why would you be happy to do all the cooking and look after the dog and I bet everything else, while working full time, while he’s kept by you? Why would you want to inflict this mess on children?

Just tell him the relationship is finished and take his name off the house, let the spare room to someone to balance your finances, particularly if you enjoy your present job.

you want totally different things out of life

RosyLizard

Its all already been said; look at your part in this scenario as well and work out why exactly you have allowed this situation to drag on as it has.

"I don't want to be an asshole, but I'm really struggling not to lose my shit with him".

You should have lost your shit with this kidult a long time ago but there is no time like the present.

"I hate confrontation and I hate arguing, so I avoid it majority of the time".

Why?. Doing that now with him plays to his advantage.
Is feeling like this also due to your own childhood experiences?. Were you denied a voice back then?. Did your own parents argue constantly with you in the middle?.

You have yourself a cocklodger. Get rid of him and get an actual lodger, at least they'll pay their way.