My ex was very manipulative and emotionally controlling.
He managed to talk his way out of his strange behaviour through love bombing and guilt trips and when I was with him I lost all sense of judgement on what was suspicious. I felt lost and crazy.
Early on in our relationship he showed me a video on his phone (after purposely turning the phone away from me, switching on his WiFi- his excuse for having it off was to save battery, to me it was weird but I accepted it as we all have quirks, and then doing a few swipes) as we were watching a WhatsApp message popped up with a girls name but before I had chance to read anything he quickly jumped up and panicked saying 'oh we don't want that' I instantly knew it was dodgy but didn't know how to react, so went to the toilet to compose myself before confronting him. When I came back he'd deleted the message and gave me a story of how it was someone from work and Confidential so that's why. Then he followed it with the emotional BS and tears. I was confused and in hindsight I know I should have ended it then as I knew.
The problem was I didn't want to do anything without hard evidence just incase it was true and I ended it for no reason.
This then lead to me always being suspicious and there was plenty of strange behaviour from him, but never nothing 100% concrete to pin cheating on him.
Eventually I found out he lied about having Facebook (I never told him I didn't want him to have it etc) so I added him- again I got the 'oh I only got it back last week bla bla' and then from there found out he also had snapchat- something else he flat out lied about having. This was also new and for work apparently. He was confident snap chat wouldn't out him, as conversations disappear, so he proudly offered to prove me wrong, but thankfully for me somehow a conversation was there. Then clicking on contacts brought up several conversations one mentioned a dating site they met on. Obviously at this point it was a Huge sense of relief for me as I finally got my proof and knew I wasn't crazy and left him.
However the after effects are still with me a year on. Im completely over him personally but I still feel I wouldn't feel comfortable taking someone at their word and giving them the benefit of the doubt.
It hit me the other day when I had a text from someone who got the wrong number asking how I was and we should meet up. Obviously I dismissed it as I hadn't given anyone my number but I thought what if I had a partner and he got that text? How could I feel comfortable giving him the benefit of the doubt knowing my ex completely abused that? But from experience I also know it could be 100% innocent, so wouldn't want to end a relationship on just that but I'd feel like I was back there in that situation.
If I was in a relationship in the future with someone and they get a 'hey how are you?' text but say it must be a wrong number, they get a call off an unknown number, they say they are meeting a friend or working late etc is it safe to give them the benefit of the doubt if nothing else about them or their behaviour strikes you as strange?
With my ex there was a lot of strange behaviour and excuses but I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I was so confused and couldn't trust my own judgement. Now I think im over compensating and would be suspicious over the smallest thing and I don't want to inflict paranoia onto someone who has done nothing wrong, but I don't want to be mug and fall for anything again.
Has anyone been through similar or got any tips on how to trust your judgement and be aware and sensible without being paranoid and reacting to things unnecessarily?