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Relationships

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Flip

Original poster

He has to avoid his ex, he’s not over her is he?

15 replies

BrownieJJ · 13/10/2023 12:54

I’ve been seeing a lovely man for 6 months. He has a young child with someone who does not know about me he said they really did not get on towards the end and it would cause drama if he told her about me.

However we had been speaking about past relationships and he said that he just decided to stop spending time with her and their child as a family because it was hard for him to move on and get over her. He said he still thinks this is the best course of action because if they started spending time together they would inevitably end up reconciling.

I took offence to this because surely this is just a ticking time bomb, if he cannot spend time with her without me worrying if they may be nice to each other it will end up in them getting back together. He is essentially gaslighting me by saying he had too much wine and what he said was not clear.

OP posts:

Specso · 13/10/2023 13:03

In my opinion and experience yes, this is a ticking time bomb.

When you get together with someone who has any unfinished business or any feelings for an ex it will cause a problem eventually.

StrawberryWater · 13/10/2023 13:08

He's not over her. You need to put yourself first and move on before he inevitably leaves you for his ex.

beatrix1234 · 13/10/2023 13:12

He has unfinished with his ex, aka: they’re not over each other (both). I’m under the impression you’re the “rebound relationship” he’s holding on in order to make him forget of his ex and help him cut those emotional ties. I would take this relationship with a pinch of salt OP, I would not move in together, have kids or make long term plans because he may get back with the ex as he still loves her and have a child together which is a huge bond. I would also put boundaries to this relationship such as give it six more months, if by that time he still hasn’t gotten over her I would move on to greener pastures.

Marblessolveeverything · 13/10/2023 13:14

Run, if she snaps her fingers he will be right back there.

Original poster

BrownieJJ · 13/10/2023 13:37

His argument is he ended things with her, so if he wanted her he would have been with her. But very weird that he’s not over her yet

OP posts:

RoseAndRose · 13/10/2023 13:45

He's prepared to turn his back on his child.

I think that would change my opinion of him significantly in itself.

Specso · 13/10/2023 13:50

It really doesn’t make any difference who ended it. He might be trying to move on for whatever reason but if there’s still feelings there on both sides you’re setting yourself up for getting very hurt at some point by continuing with him.

beatrix1234 · 13/10/2023 14:21

BrownieJJ · 13/10/2023 13:37

His argument is he ended things with her, so if he wanted her he would have been with her. But very weird that he’s not over her yet

Something doesn’t add up here, but then (as usual) you’re hearing “his” side of the story… would be interesting to know “hers”.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 13/10/2023 14:43

If I were in your shoes I would walk away now before things progress any further, otherwise it will be even more painful for you OP. IMO always better to be alone than with someone who is half in half out and thinking of another woman.

Blanca87 · 13/10/2023 14:46

can you clarify what this means ‘he said that he just decided to stop spending time with her and their child as a family because it was hard for him to move on and get over her. ‘
are you saying he doesn’t see his child? If so, he’s certainly not lovely, he is however a useless cunt.

Catsafterme · 13/10/2023 15:02

If by that you mean he's decided to cut contact with his child also, then he's not a man you should want to be involved with.

Original poster

BrownieJJ · 13/10/2023 15:13

Sorry I just want to clarify. He hasn’t cut ties with his child, he just stopped doing family days out with her, stopped spending time together as a family

OP posts:

beatrix1234 · 13/10/2023 15:41

BrownieJJ · 13/10/2023 15:13

Sorry I just want to clarify. He hasn’t cut ties with his child, he just stopped doing family days out with her, stopped spending time together as a family

If he still sees his child, wants a relationship with him and pays the child support I don’t see a problem. Playing happy family with someone you just broke with is utmost impossible. Maybe down the line if the divorce was amicable, there were no il feelings on either side And both people have moved on with their lives while holding no resentment spending Christmas or birthdays As a “family” is possible (boundaries in place of course). This is not the norm as people usually hold bitter feelings for their exes but I’ve known a couple of people who managed to achieve this.

Takethat4 · 16/04/2024 12:27

What id do in the situation
Date him still - if you like his company but do not take it seriously - yet
Know in the back of your mind that this man is still dealing with the break up I guess.
Do not give him any signals that you want to be serious with him.
Don’t take about the situation and do not talk about commitment

Takethat4 · 16/04/2024 12:31

My post is meaning if you want him to commit to you properly , I believe you’re going to have to never talk about the situation and give him the freedom to co parent as he wishes
He is generally going to expect you to take offence now but to regain back your power you have to act not bothered

Flip