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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't stand partner but can't leave

11 replies

BangTheDirtIsGone · 13/10/2023 12:14

So sick of my partner but I feel so stuck. As of two months ago he quit his job to homeschool our daughter as my business is doing well. So he has no money coming in, I am the only earner and feel like I'm really throwing him under the bus if I leave.Our daughter is very close to us both and I also don't want her to lose one of us for half the time. we also share a hobby that all 3 of us do together which again, neither of us will want to miss out on but I'm so sick of him. I'm bored, I find him lazy, I don't think he really cares about me. Probably the same as me, he's likely just with me because of our daughter.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2023 13:15

Have you told him how you feel in this relationship?. If not why not?.

Better to be apart and potentially happier than to use your daughter as glue to bind you and he together. She is not going to say thanks mum and dad to you for doing that to her.

What do you want to teach your daughter about relationships and what is she learning here?

Would you want her as an adult to stay in a relationship that makes her feel sick of her man, no you would want better for her. Demand better for yourself too, you do not need to carry what you see as a lazy man and if you split he will likely have to return to work. How else can he support his child?.

Why would you also think you’d be throwing him under the bus if you leave, it could actually be the making of him because then he would have to step up. If he did not, that’s not on you either.

spookehtooth · 13/10/2023 13:26

Have the conversation about how important it is to you, its fixable if he wants to do that.

Definitely not "throwing him under a bus", especially if his decision to live off of your earnings was not made with your consent and approval. If he's decided to quit and live off your money, without your agreement, that's terrible behaviour.

I allowed my partner to quit work and live off my earnings, according to a plan. She wanted to a do a degree. The plan wasn't followed through with, and there was never any commitment to another agreed way forward. Support forever was never part of the agreement. It never got better, and didn't end well. I hesitated and hesitated, and tried to get a new plan agreed, for much the same reason as you until eventually I couldn't take it anymore. If he doesn't put forward an acceptable plan in exchange for your financial support, then you should probably end it. I hated it, its not easy, but doing right and proper things is like that sometimes

Mmhmmn · 13/10/2023 14:28

You wouldn't be throwing him under a bus. The whole point of adults is that we're responsible for ourselves, our behaviour, our choices.
You're sick of him and want to end it. It might do him a favour in the long term as it would force him to look after himself (not at all the same as throwing under a bus). Doing it sooner rather than later before he gets far too used to doing nothing might be better than leaving it - AND the longer you stick it out, the more resentment will build. Maybe you could 'give notice' (like in the employment sense) rather than saying you're unhappy and want him out right now ..?

IwinUlose · 13/10/2023 14:40

Speak to him and agree on something.

Butterkist8 · 13/10/2023 17:23

As your child is home educated, who will continue this if you separate?

Did you both decide that home-Ed was the right thing to do?

How is your husband to earn if he's educating your child?

somerandomusername · 21/04/2024 00:20

Dealing with a lazy partner.

Looking for some advice. I have a 14 month daughter with my partner. He’s always been lazy but since having my daughter it has gotten progressively worse. Everything rests on my shoulders. We both work full time. I work from home and my daughter is at home with me. I am the breadwinner and can’t afford nursery fees.

I take charge with household jobs. I buy our monthly food shop. He has to be begged to do the simplest of things such as washing dishes, taking the bins out etc.

we split rent and bills but I pay for everything else. If our daughter needs something new that comes out of my pocket.

We are meant to be getting married in a few months time and to date he has not spent a penny on our wedding.

there’s a lot more I could go into but that’s the just. I’m reaching the end of my tether. I’ve spoken to him multiple times and he picks up the household jobs for a week or two and then we’re back at square one. I’ve even given him an ultimatum of calling off the wedding.

I feel stuck.

frozendaisy · 21/04/2024 04:21

somerandomusername · 21/04/2024 00:20

Dealing with a lazy partner.

Looking for some advice. I have a 14 month daughter with my partner. He’s always been lazy but since having my daughter it has gotten progressively worse. Everything rests on my shoulders. We both work full time. I work from home and my daughter is at home with me. I am the breadwinner and can’t afford nursery fees.

I take charge with household jobs. I buy our monthly food shop. He has to be begged to do the simplest of things such as washing dishes, taking the bins out etc.

we split rent and bills but I pay for everything else. If our daughter needs something new that comes out of my pocket.

We are meant to be getting married in a few months time and to date he has not spent a penny on our wedding.

there’s a lot more I could go into but that’s the just. I’m reaching the end of my tether. I’ve spoken to him multiple times and he picks up the household jobs for a week or two and then we’re back at square one. I’ve even given him an ultimatum of calling off the wedding.

I feel stuck.

Call off the wedding tell him you can't afford it right now and then make steps to live separately

savethatkitty · 21/04/2024 05:21

I'm so sorry.

I'm in the same boat. Although I gave up my seat so DH could excell etc

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/04/2024 15:07

Butterkist8 · 13/10/2023 17:23

As your child is home educated, who will continue this if you separate?

Did you both decide that home-Ed was the right thing to do?

How is your husband to earn if he's educating your child?

This. Was it a joint decision with your full buy-in? Was the home-schooling essential to your DD? Because if it was, that's a real issue.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/04/2024 15:08

Sorry. Didn't realise it was a zombie thread.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 21/04/2024 15:13

OP this is depressing, it's really not good enough to just be living like that. Honestly just wind it up and separate. If you can't stand him you will never be happy here and your DD will pick up on it. Show her it's normal to be happy.

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