Mum menopausal anger is crippling

[Spudsmum1]

My mum 53F is about 1.5 years into the menopause. She takes her HRT and progesterone as she’s been prescribed and actually has very mild physical symptoms but my god her anger is something else.

Pre menopause she’s always been a bit tetchy - we used to always wind her up about her hanger. But otherwise quite a happy go lucky person, didn’t really like to talk about people and was relatively unconfrontational and didn’t like to make a fuss. I’d go as far as to say she used to be a people pleaser but not a doormat.

anyways I’m the last 6 months she has turned into a walking ball of rage. Like I’m frightened to answer any of her questions with more than a yes no answer in case she absolutely flips about any opinion I might have even if it’s in agreement with her. She’s constantly accusing everyone of contradicting her. Her anger isn’t at any personal or situation specifically it’s aimed at everyone and everything that crosses her path. Constantly talking about smashing peoples heads in and battering people. Talks like she’s a football hooligan and asks even worse. She’s just had an attitude all the time and talks to people like they’re stupid. Has very little patience and is always acting as if she’s stressed just by doing menial tasks.

How can this be stopped? She is aware of it and knows that she is in the wrong but says that she just can’t help it. I do 100% think it’s a menopause/ hormonal balance thing as she’s always had PMT and the timings are too convenient.

how can we help her? Like is there a magic pill we can suggest she asks her doctor for? and how long will this last - I honestly don’t like being around her anymore and I’m certain I’m not the only person that feels like this. She’s open to help but doesn’t even know where to start.

If she was tetchy pre-menopause this is her personality. While yes menopause can create anger it doesn’t cause you to abuse someone unless the seeds are already there. She needs anger management classes

I have zero experience of this but are you sure this is menopause related? It sounds extreme. My first thought was a brain tumour or similar, for a personality change this serious. What you describe sounds like she’s totally unable to relate or function without expressing aggressive tendencies. I would urge her to make a doctors appointment, to explore the reason further.

Her HRT might need tweaked, so it's always worth going back to the GP.

It's fairly common to prescribe a small amount of anti-depressant for meno symptoms - there's been a huge backlash against that recently because anti-D's were being massively over-prescribed for a job that HRT does perfectly well - but in this case, I think there's a case for taking something specifically designed for emotional regulation. A friend of a friend was similar and she now takes half an anti-D a day - she describes it as a 'second skin' that just takes the edge off her emotions enough to give her a breathing second before erupting.

My own mum was like this so you do have my sympathies. Anger management techniques might help too.

It’s the progesterone, she needs to see her doctor about changing the dose/ method of delivery

Tell her. Let her know her rage is completely disproportionate and she is terrifying people. She needs to see her GP. (Probably needs antidepressants tbh.)

HRT isn't a blanket solution that you take in a certain dose forever, so I'd suggest that she goes back to her GP to discuss it and have her dose tweaked or adjusted.

Having said that, as someone who has experienced menopausal rage - and who has discussed how it feels with many other peri-menopausal friends and family members - what you're describing nonetheless sounds excessive. So that's also something to discuss with the doctor - that the rage is not just excessive but the responses are entirely out of character.

My peri-menopausal rage would be an OTT and exaggerated response to things that I would normally feel. eg if I came home from a late night at work to discover DH hadn't bothered to get the DC sorted for bed etc, I would feel angry and annoyed that these things don't happen, resentful that I feel I have to be in charge EVEN when I'm out of the house etc. And in a rage, I'd be crashing around the house yelling about this to a level that was unnecessary and inappropriate. But my natural personality is NOT to want to smack my children or bash their heads in, and therefore even in my rage, that never came up. If your mum is not naturally a violent person, I'd be worrying about the way her rage is bringing out feelings and instincts that are completely outside of her normal character.

I would also say her HRT needs to be looked at or it did make me think she maybe needs a bit of a check up. My Mum was like this prior to a series of mini strokes.

Definitely advise her to go back to the GP to check her hrt and have it tweaked. It could be the progesterone, some women don't tolerate certain progesterones well. It would be sensible for her to have an overall health check too. Would also advise counselling or anger management.

My aunt had what you’re describing OP and it was 100% the menopause. It lasted for about 10 years and then just stopped. However in that time she managed to piss off everyone and damage a lot of relationships. We didn’t release it was Menopause and just thought she’d turned into a rage monster. Even now that I know what it was causing it, I struggle to forgive her behaviour as it almost ruined my wedding. But please see if she can get some support because by the time it stops there might be no turning back from the relationships she’s wrecked.

Thank you everyone, I definitely think it’s the menopause and not anything more sinister, it’s been a gradual change in her behaviour.

I wasn’t aware of some of the solutions that have been suggested so will definitely gently suggest some of these to her.

and I do worry that all she’s doing is pushing everyone away from her and she’ll have burned far too many bridges by the time it’s over.

As a PP said, check the progesterone. Some types of HRT made me FURIOUS, it was the synthetic progesterone.
Defo talk this over with the GP.
2 of my friends have recently paid to go and see a Meno Consultant - they said well worth it for the extra time to talk and the specific expertise. Worth considering if funds allow.

Hi OP. I'm the same age as your Mum and until I had found the right HRT for me, I have to say I was enraged by the slightest things, followed by a meltdown and tears. Completely out of character for me and that in itself made me feel very low.

Other people on this thread have mentioned checking the progesterone and they're spot on. Everyone is different but for me, the bio-identical ones made me very teary - I am taking a synthetic one now and I feel miles better.

It must be really hard for you all. When your Mum says she can't help it, I totally get that but she needs to go and get some help. Good luck and I hope things get sorted.

Hi, bit late to the thread but do you have an update on what happened with your mum?

I am in a similar situation with a family member, just fuming at everything I say and do! I can’t do right for wrong and one minute she says she wants to spend time with me, the next she is absolutely raging at me for something quite minor! I’m at the end of my tether as it’s all so unpredictable and horrible.