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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Couples therapy

4 replies

teddy999 · 12/10/2023 23:08

So I have come to realise that my relationship has been abusive for the last 7 years, I keep hearing gaslighting, coercive control and emotional abuse, I asked my husband to go to therapy to address his behaviour, constantly criticising me putting me down all while doing absolutely nothing for the last seven years for our child,
he went to a counsellor , twice and then has decided he won’t go again because all I do is talk about the past, he says I can’t talk about the past when he tells me I should be ashamed or the house but refuses to do his share , I can’t talk about the past, I’ve to accept all the abuse and move on
i need him to acknowledge his behaviour and realise that he has been in the wrong , it seems he is expecting me to do the same as always where it builds up to an incident then in the calm afterwards I pretend it didn’t happen until it happens again the next time
apparently I think counselling is a miracle cure , I have never said this , but after only two sessions he’s decided not to go , he got pretty angry at the last session something was said that seemed to trigger him
My thoughts now are that I should probably have counselling myself to help me
worl through things

OP posts:
category12 · 12/10/2023 23:17

Was this joint counselling? It's never a good idea where there is abuse.

Maybe counselling for you will help, but not if you're trying to use it to help you stay in the relationship - you shouldn't try to gaslight yourself into being OK with living with abuse. It seems like a waste of money to me that you'd be better spending on splitting up.

bluedomino · 12/10/2023 23:38

You won't fix him. It won't get better. Why stay in an abusive relationship? Get out now and enjoy the rest of your life.

teddy999 · 13/10/2023 16:07

I asked him to go to therapy to deal with his abusive behaviour and lack of interest in our child , he refused to go unless I went with him as he said he didn’t know what to talk about

OP posts:
category12 · 14/10/2023 12:10

teddy999 · 13/10/2023 16:07

I asked him to go to therapy to deal with his abusive behaviour and lack of interest in our child , he refused to go unless I went with him as he said he didn’t know what to talk about

Sorry, but that was pointless - joint therapy will do nothing (or potentially make things worse) as the premise of it is wrong when there's abuse. It's not two people needing to figure out better communication, it's one person using abusive behaviour to control and get what they want in the relationship.

Even offender programmes aren't always helpful or successful.

He's clearly not interested or open to addressing his issues, so you need to split up.

.

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