Terrible thoughts

[Change4321]

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot around my husband. He claims that it's my fault I feel that way.

Previous instances of criticism around spending money or general decisions around the house or how I look after the children, especially our DD.

We don't have a good sex life, I'm not that bothered as it only last a few minutes and I feel very anxious about having sex after years of arguments about it. He used to get really angry but not as much now....just says he wished he could get rid of his sex drive. Claims he's done everything to make me feel comfortable but I can't shake the anxiety.

If we argue I instantly have thoughts of suicide, I wouldn't do it because I cannot leave my children but I know that thinking those thoughts when we argue means something is very wrong. He got cross just now because I wanted to stay up and watch TV....he tried to talk about sex and I said I didn't want to talk about it (I normally daren't say that) a he's gone upstairs banging stuff about on the way.

I have anxiety disorder and obsessive thoughts which I'm on medication for. I know he makes me doubt myself on purpose but if I ever say anything like that he makes our like I'm crazy.

I know deep deep down I want out on this relationship but how can I break up the family and do that to the children.

I don't have great advice, but sending hugs, OP. Your DH sounds like a petulant arsehole.

Are you anxious about anything in particular? It does sound like it's got really bad. If you are thinking of suicide, even if you have no intention of going ahead with it, you really do need help. Do you have a GP you could talk to? Does your surgery offer free counselling?

It's not normal, in a healthy relationship, to think about suicide when things go wrong.

I'd say that your h has worn you down over years to this state, and you'd be much much happier if you left him.

Do you have rl support?

You aren't specific, but does he demand sex and you are unable (or too frightened) to say no? If you say no, or lack enthusiasm, is that when he gets angry and spends days criticising you as punishment?

I know deep deep down I want out on this relationship but how can I break up the family and do that to the children.
Because growing up in an abusive household is damaging for children.

Because your MH would probably improve apart from him, and therefore your children will benefit from a healthier mum.

Because this isn't the model of a relationship you would want your dc to recreate in their own futures.

I wonder if your thoughts are in fact down to a feeling of wanting to escape and feeling trapped?

I think your anxiety would disappear if you split up

I was the same with my xh had 2 anxiety disorders, max level of antidepressants & constantly on edge. Since we split I've come off everything & feel so much better. It's terrible what being in a bad relationship can do to you

It sounds like you don't sounds safe around him which is triggering the anxiety which is hardly surprising given the way he treats you

I was thinking the same as this. It sounds like something inside you is so desperate to get out it is ramping up the alarm. Listen to yourself. I also agree that something needs to change for you and I wish you all the best.

I spoke to him last night about the money issue and openly told him I feel like I walk on eggshells. He was genuinely remorseful. Still have a lot to think about but I slept well last night for the first time in ages.