Struggling with bfs relationship with Ex

[Findapath]

Hi. I need a good talking to. My bf of 18 months has 2 children, school age. Mine are young adults. He has 50/50 co parenting arrangement. I know I am being super unreasonable (hence NC) but I’m really struggling with the amount of contact him and his ex have. It’s pretty un boundaried (imo) - in and out of each others houses, sharing lifts, constant texting. Not just about the kids. Some days it feels like she says jump and he says how high- i think their relationship was always like this and he’s scared to say no to her. I know it’s better for everyone if they have a good relationship, I want to be Fine with it all and not be super needy. They split by pretty mutual agreement, she has a new partner that she lives with. I see my bf all the time, he’s at mine most days he doesn’t have the children, I stay over there fairly often now when he does ( we took this pretty slowly) I get really a bit tortured about the past they have shared together. I know this is my stuff and I really want to get past it. But it’s really hard! He’s lovely and in so many ways we have a great relationship. I know the deal dating someone with young children. Just venting really as it’s never ok to do in RL. Yes I have my own life and friends etc.

Look, chances are, this is never going to get better.

You need to be realistic. You have a problem with this. And stuffing down our issues and trying to bury them is never going to lead to a healthy relationship.

Whether or not he spends too much time with her, he sounds too much time with her for you. It's makes you uncomfortable.

There are two routes you can take - you can broach it with him in terms of how you are feeling. This could lead to him reassuring you and cutting contact amount down with her of his own steam.

Or you can call it a day because its just not working for you. He makes you feel second to her. Even if that's not the case. And it's OK to decide that doesn't work for you.

Or you could do option one and if it doesn't work out then option 2 is still an option. But option 1 should be a one conversation thing. It also shouldn't involve him doing anything that would make him resent you. And the truth is, I suspect it would as if he were really mature enough to make decisions of his own back, he wpuld not be being all pally pally with his ex when ge gas a new partner.

I'm of the opinion that you are not compatible. You don't trust him. And you have that right. You have a right to your insecurities. But you don't have a right to dictate to him his choices. Don't spend your life with someone who makes you feel insecure.

Some days it feels like she says jump and he says how high- i think their relationship was always like this and he’s scared to say no to her.

Bad sign. Very bad sign and it’s unlikely to improve. The test is if he’s choosing her/things she wants over you. Is he?

What does her new bloke think about their level of contact and her ordering her ex around? I’d bail, there are other men, choose one who isn’t enmeshed with an ex.

Wise words @Pinkbonbon thank you. I fear you are correct - it won’t get better and I won’t suddenly be ok with it. It’s not that I don’t trust him exactly - I don’t think either of them want to get back together. But they ( perhaps understandably) have an emotional connection that I can’t/don’t want to deal with. Urgh.

Thanks @AnneLovesGilbert He doesn’t exactly choose her over me - but will do stuff like pick her up and not tell me, run her about when she needs it. Her new bloke works away a lot, she sees bf as back up when hes not about. Don’t think he’s that fussed. It’s not great really.

Sounds like she's still got him hooked. Not necessarily anything infidelity wise but perhaps more emotionally in that she can manipulate him into doing her bidding. As in not together but the benefits of being together.

Do you know the dynamic of their relationship at all? All I can say is mine was bad and is still bad with my stbxw and I had been conditioned into jumping and excusing behavior.

This continued after separation where I was manipulated and expected to do anything she asked. The moment I said enough and set boundaries, she took everything and the children.

May not be the case, mine is a special kind of cruel but you never know what's happened behind closed doors.

Ultimately, it's not healthy at some point he needs to sever ties other than the children and she needs to be self reliant in order to move on and so him and you can build something. If he isn't able to do that, for whatever reason it will likely never change and she will be centre of attention.

What are you tortured about, exactly? What, specifically, is it that bugs you?

@Catsafterme yes it does sound pretty similar - I only have his (and his sisters) side of it and I’m sure she would see it differently. But there were a lot of threats that she would stop him seeing the children and I think he’s still hooked in that way on some level. It was all pretty toxic from both sides I think. But he will still always excuse her behaviour. I stay out of it but I would say she does a lot of emotional blackmail with the kids. Not my place to comment on that though but I can see it.

@LusaBatoosa its really hard to put my finger on. Not to drip feed but I’m widowed so no ex on my part to navigate ( but different challenges as I had a mainly happy marriage) I think some of it is pure unpleasant jealousy related to that - the person that I had shared memories of having kids, family times etc is gone. His is very much here!

Who broke up with whom?

@C1N1C they both say ( she has told me too) that it was really mutual, the relationship had died several years earlier. Rumbled on a while longer for the kids, both relieved when they could finally practically separate

@Findapath Well obviously I don't know the ins and outs but from my experience, if that is the case, there lies your problem.

If she has threatened to take the children away, she's potentially weaponizing them to keep him in line. In my case I did nothing the abuse was one sided and the result of that abuse was I excused everything in order to toe the line.

If you are worked up about what they had, it doesn't seem like it was all that great. If anything if she is that way inclined, she will be more jealous of you and will therefore steal the limelight and keep him hooked.

This happened to me and I raised the issue with him and he toned it down - in my presence only - but made out he would stop being so submissive to her needs at all times.

I remember one car ride she called and he was itching to answer it but he didn’t as he knew I was getting fed up.
Ended up finding him hiding in the garden calling her back the second we got out the car and all she wanted was to chat about something non kid related!

I ended up using his phone one day and finding naked photos of her (from years ago) that he’d clearly been recently lusting over. Worse thing was I believed he was over her and she had moved on with a live in boyfriend - but to be honest you don’t behave that way for someone else if your in a relationship.

I can understand when it’s things for the kids but not for your ex!

It won’t change so you either deal with it or find someone who prioritises the relationship they’re in over their ex.

So what do you think the solution should be?

You think the reason he runs around after the ex is because she's weaponising access to his kids. So his motivation is less that he's emotionally in thrall to her, and more that he fears he won't see his kids again if he doesn't do what she wants.

You're not being unreasonable to be uncomfortable with that, on his behalf as well as yours, and you wouldn't be unreasonable to decide it's not for you. But if you're going to have a conversation about it - how do you think he should proceed?

It sounds very much like his situation doesn't feel comfortable to you?

Your kids are much older, you are widowed. Whereas his ex is still a daily part of his life.

I would find it very hard too. I think you deserve someone who can be 100% yours, as your husband was.

Sad as it is, maybe you're just too different in terms of life stages and what each of you can bring to the relationship?

I wish you luck and happiness.

Thanks all. Really helpful comments. @gannett i don’t really think I can or should ask him to do much different. I might not think it’s the best way to handle his ex, but he does so I have to either be ok with that or I guess move on. I do really love him though and didn’t think I would be able to say that again. So it’s hard.

This isn't going to get better or change.
Its definitely not right, I co parent with exh and we are nothing like this! Now and again I'll get a meme but it's 99% fully about our DD

This arrangement works for him and the ex. That's the most important thing for the kids. You and your opinion will never be welcome to him. So you can't even wait it out to get better, it's a waste of time

The only way is out. Yes, it's hard to be in a relationship with someone with kids but you have the choice of putting up with it. I dont think you should.

I think many people would take issue with her having lifts of him whenever her partner is away, unless it's with the DC also. If she doesn't drive, she should be using public transport. Yes it is odd years down the line to be asking for lifts off an ex, and its an odd thing to agree to it, expecially when it seems divorce was not as amicable as the agreement to separate was. She sounds quite controlling. Does she pull crap like asking him to have the DC when you already have something planned, so he cancels what you had arranged? If so, that would be intolerable.