Is this relationship normal?

[unsure62]

Hi, Looking for some advice.

I have been with my partner for 15 years. we are both now 32. We have a LG that is 2 years old.

I had a difficult childhood and a very difficult birth of my daughter, once we were home and settled I immediately sought counseling because i was super fearful of allowing my own childhood & birth experience traumas to affect my capability as a mum. I have been in therapy for around a year and a half now and finally feel like I'm understanding more about myself, the way i perceive the world around me, and how to manage my own emotions appropriately with kindness for myself and others around me.

I have seen my relationship with friends, family and my daughter improve but I feel like my relationship with my partner is getting worse. He has not been willing to join me in therapy whether that be alone or couples. He has always been less social than me but since our daughter was born he has created issues with attending friend functions etc. He is always present when we visit his family, but not mine.

I know that he is a wonderful father to our daughter and is very active in her life but when it comes to any further responsibility to our home or our lives it is minimal. He is (he tells me) incapable of focusing on the 'mental load' of anything further than the functioning of being a parent & working. My issue is that when i get overwhelmed and bring up the mental load i experience with running my business, running the house, and having a two-year-old etc etc he explains that he is better than most dads (because he isn't down the pub) and that, of course, i do all those things - im her mum.

When he is good; we are good. we have great conversations and connect emotionally and spiritually on our beliefs and love for each other and our child.

My partner is very intelligent and eloquent and sometimes when im tired i feel runs rings around me verbally. When he is ready to talk it always seems to be when i am at my most tired. Yet when i want to discuss an issue i have, he will shut me down and say 'not right now' 'ive had enough today' etc etc. He complains that he is constantly tired or has had a long day....im sure i dont need to list all the roles to you that i am taking on without acknowledgment.

Apologies this turned into a much longer post than i anticipated. I worry that i am so thankful that we have stayed together for so many years and that he was safe space post-family trauma that i ignore the red flags I'm seeing more clearly now due to my therapy. I saw my issues, i sought help and i feel like im growing and evolving not only is he not doing this, he refuses to try.

Am i asking too much? am i overthinking? is this going to be the case for the rest of my life?

Please let me know your honest thoughts, I don't have anyone i feel comfortable talking about this too in my day-to-day life.

"He is (he tells me) incapable of focusing on the 'mental load' of anything further than the functioning of being a parent & working"

Ah diddums. One rule for him but another for you.

He is neither a wonderful father nor partner to you if he is constantly pulling this sort of crappy nonsense on you. He regards everything else as "your job" by dint of fact you are female!. He's bascially forcing you to take over and do those tasks instead.

He must think you were born yesterday because this man has no respect for you really whatsoever. This is strategic incompetence and in this instance relates to him using feigned or deliberate incompetence to avoid unwanted responsibility.

Given the other stuff re him you write about you need to seriously consider whether this is a relationship you want to remain in. Personally I would not nor would want my DD to see this relationship as her "norm" too. What do you think she will learn about relationships from this frankly crap example of one? He was your safe space post family trauma and you simply did not pick up on the red flags. This is who he really is and he is not going to change.

I love it when the first post nails it. @AttilaTheMeerkat has given a perfect answer.
Your partner is displaying multiple red flags which I believe you are only just seeing due to your therapy.
The more you come out of the FOG the more i fear you will see.

Fear
Obligation
Guilt

@AttilaTheMeerkat @Thisisme23 thank you both - i appreciate your honesty.

do you think it would be a good idea to lay my cards on the table in a concise, non-emotive way to feel fully confident i have expressed my issues in order to provoke a change? Whether that be a change in effort or no change at all (which makes moving forward without him more straightforward)

"He is (he tells me) incapable of focusing on the 'mental load' of anything..."

I think he meant UNWILLING rather than incapable. Sounds like he's playing power games with you. Doing the bits he enjoys and letting you do the rest...

My partner is very intelligent and eloquent and sometimes when im tired i feel runs rings around me verbally. When he is ready to talk it always seems to be when i am at my most tired. Yet when i want to discuss an issue i have, he will shut me down and say 'not right now' 'ive had enough today' etc etc. He complains that he is constantly tired or has had a long day...

Actually @unsure62 I think you need to be careful here.

He runs rings around you verbally
He's against joint counselling so marriage guidance is going to be a no go
He picks times when you're tired to be "ready to talk"
He gas lights you when you've raised an issue with him

You could try arranging a specific time in advance that you want to have a discussion with your partner. Have a list of things you wish to cover and write them down (so you dont get flustered when he "trys to run rings around you".

Don't give him an ultimatum that this could be the end of your relationship. If he is an abuser the control and abuse will get worse if he thinks you are planning to end things.

Speak to your counsellor about his behaviour and see what their assessment is.