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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic Violence - trapped

14 replies

sillylittlegirl222 · 12/10/2023 14:08

I'm not really sure what I'm doing here but I don't really have anybody in the real world to support me so I guess I'm just looking for people to talk to.
I'm trapped in a marriage I don't want to be in with a man who has ignored me for years and repeatedly pursued other women with a view to cheating on me with them. He's paid for sexual content, got content off my friends, had another woman on the go who he exchanged sexual stuff with ... I class it as cheating. I want him to leave but he refuses to leave. His dad has a spare room he could stay in for a while whereas I don't drive and have nowhere to go. I have parents but my dad is a misogynist to say the least and takes his side. We have arguments because I'm stuck and I feel mad and every time we row he hits me. I've had a busted lip from him and today we had an argument about how he doesn't help me in the house and he hit me in the back, winding me. According to him it was just a slap though and it was my fault for making a mess (I tipped a drawer out so yeah I did make a mess). I asked him why he'd done it and he said he hit me the same way he'd hit a kid - to punish me. It happens all the time and I'm starting to think it's my fault. We're tidying because his family are staying. After the incident, I asked him to tell them to tell them not to stay because obviously I'm not in the mood after being hit, but he's saying they are coming and if I want them to go I need to tell them but I'm not confrontational and don't want to tell them myself. So I'll just have to put on a face when they get here and the thought of doing that is making me sad.
My dad was physically abusive towards me when I was a kid and when I've told him my husband can be he says I just drive people to it and I get shouted at, hence why I can't go there.
I'm loathe to call the police or anything because he's a good guy - if not a good husband - and I don't want to ruin his life.
But he won't leave, I can't leave, we're arguing, and when we argue, I get hurt. What do I do?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 12/10/2023 14:13

Ring the police. Ring them every time he hurts you, or you are scared of him.

Defiantlynot41 · 12/10/2023 14:21

He is not a good guy - nowhere near.

And you won't "ruin his life" - he did that when he raised his hand to you. Please please please see your GP to log injuries, take photos and keep a diary of incidents and contact Women's Aid and the police.

1980F · 12/10/2023 16:28

Youve just described him hitting you and being abusive yet you end it with “hes a good guy, a good husband”? No hes not. Why are you putting up with this. Call the police for some help on this. Also speak to Womens Aid. There is a way out. Look after you 😊

MetaverseMavis · 12/10/2023 16:32

Ring the police now, upset his family plans, report him, and he will be removed for safety reasons for questioning. Tell his parents why he is not there when they arrive (on the doorstep, don't let them in and get cosy) and send them home. Do not allow him home after his police visit. DV is a crime. You are a victim. You need help.

ilovelamp82 · 12/10/2023 16:32

Call the police. Tell his parents.

He is NOT a good guy.

It is not your fault. Please leave. Call Women's aid, they may be able to offer practical support.

SofiYol · 12/10/2023 16:34

He’s not a good man.

Please ring the police, it feels so scary but they will remove him from the house. This isn’t your fault, nothing you do or do not do means that it’s ok for him to hit you.

Put yourself first, please call them.

Pinkbonbon · 12/10/2023 16:44

Op you're not his child, youre a grown adult. He has no right to 'punish' you for anything. And btw, a man who split a child's lip open would be a child abuser. It's illegal to hit children now too even if you don't do damage.

It's serious abuse and he's not a good man. He's a fucking monster.

I'm sorry that your dad was the same. But it's not normal. And there's no excuse for it.
Please go to the police. Its assault and he belongs in jail.

If they take him in, he will be told to stay away from you for a while so you'll be able to plan your next steps too in safety.

You need to seriously rethink your definition of a 'good guy', good guys don't cheat, intimidate or assault other people. Evil people do that. And that's what he is, an evil person. Take the blinkers off and see it before you end up dead.

KateMiddletonsExtensions · 12/10/2023 16:49

This is a good guy? I'd hate to meet a bad one.

Peachee · 12/10/2023 16:53

You need out, you know that, call Womens aid and get out! Take their advice and don’t look back. What other choice do you have? Keep living this unhappy life and take another beating?
You deserve more - be strong - get started on a new positive life! You’ve got this, you always will and you always have - whenever you decide to make the decision to put yourself first and not his fist.

Pinkbonbon · 12/10/2023 16:54

Also, what are you just going to give it 'I walked into a door' to his family? I mean come on op. Imagine sitting there playing happy families with a man who's just assaulted you! Ridiclious.

Are they weirdos who think it's OK for men to hit women too? Otherwise I can't imagine your hubby being so arrogant as to let them come.

I bet he will cancel. Is just pretending he won't to spite you further and cause you more worry.

Either way, it's irrelevant because you're going to do the right thing and have him carted off in the paddy waggon before they arrive. And if they do still come, you're going to show them your lip and tell them you should have reported the abusive bastard years ago.

BMW6 · 12/10/2023 17:30

OP good people aren't violent. Good men don't hit, push, slap or otherwise hurt their partners.

He is NOT a good man in anyone's book. Quite the opposite.

You have an awful father and have grown up with a warped idea of a normal loving relationship. You do not have one. Get away from both of these dreadful men and have an infinitely happier and better life.

Bluela18 · 12/10/2023 18:30

No he's not a good guy, but i can understand why you might think he is .A good man doesn't behave this way, even if there are times you get on. So disrespectful not leaving when you have asked him too. That's the control he's having on you. Is the house yours?? You need to plan this out safely and there is lots of options available to you, you are not stuck or trapped, you are being made to feel like that. There is lots of helplines, if its safe to call. Is there any way you can leave? To a friends?, contact woman's aid? And when you are safely away from him, report him to the police, if you have any evidence, photos for proof.

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 12/10/2023 18:33

He’s foul.
The police will remove him from the house and help you figure out your next steps. This is unfortunately quite a big part of their job. They deal with domestic abuse cases on every shift.

Avalovelace · 12/10/2023 18:39

Take pictures of any injuries, make voice recordings of any threats/admissions. Go to a police station. They will take you seriously. I did and they got him out. About to go to trial.

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