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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex acting like he’s innocent ?

23 replies

Gailswinds · 12/10/2023 12:42

I was in an 7-8 month serious committed relationship earlier this year and we were talking about the future and making plans to live together. We even had a romantic holiday booked. He seemed utterly smitten all this time. He said he wanted a baby with me and didn’t have a single doubt and felt at such ease with me. He said I was a gift to him after years of bad online dating and a bad divorce. He was helping me logistically on how he could move into my place etc.

Then towards the end, he started to go weird - in the typical avoidant way. He was cold, pulled away, I found him on dating apps, and he made me out to be frigid (I’m clearly not - it’s just his way to justify ending things). We parted ways and I lost a lot of money on the holiday, so did he. Turns out, he’s a serial shagger and cheat.

anyway it’s been a few months since the split and I’m still angry at how much he led me on. Recently we got talking and he said other than not being kinder during the break up, he was good to me and he’s not the person I think he is.

He dated someone we both know after the break up and she told me how used he made her feel. She caught him messaging another woman while in bed with her! He told me he tried dating her but wasn’t into her.

and he thinks he’s a good guy?

I mean - wtf ??

OP posts:
Pipersouth · 12/10/2023 12:44

Not worth the energy be glad you’ve escaped

Humidititties · 12/10/2023 12:47

Why are you even talking to him?

Reugny · 12/10/2023 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Gailswinds · 12/10/2023 12:59

Humidititties to exchange our things
trust me I don’t want to talk to him otherwise!

OP posts:
BeeCucumber · 12/10/2023 13:05

Meh. Exchange your things and move on.

Bookworm20 · 12/10/2023 13:11

He knows what he is and what he did. But he just wants to try and make you think he isn't those things. He knows though.

Just don't engage with his crap anymore. plenty of people will know what hes like I bet.

If you must give him one final fuck off. Just message or tell him 'you were a total arsehole and I want nothing more to do with you. End of. Do not ever contact me again'. Then block him

Humidititties · 12/10/2023 13:13

If you haven't exchanged things in the few months since the split then they don't sound very important. Just tell him to bin them, you'll bin his and move on

AgnesX · 12/10/2023 13:13

Why are you still talking to him. Move on and don't even give him the time of day. He sounds repulsive so put it down to experience. He wasn't your fault.

Original poster
Gailswinds · 12/10/2023 13:14

Thanks - I just needed to hear this!

Bookworm20

He knows what he is and what he did. But he just wants to try and make you think he isn't those things. He knows though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gailswinds · 12/10/2023 13:15

Humidititties important documents, keys etc otherwise I wouldn’t be near him trust me

OP posts:
Jewelspun · 12/10/2023 13:18

And if you ever bump into him again, call him by the wrong name.

PixiePirate · 12/10/2023 13:26

Yeah, I think this is one of those cases where he can say whatever he wants but the truth is he remains a flaky waste of space.

If you have reason to come into contact with him again and he carries on with that BS, I think a head tilt and a “Mmmm, that’s not how I remember it but it’s really not important now is it? I think you really just need to let the idea of us go and move on” should cover it.

In reality I’d probably just draw a line under it and not engage though. He’s looking to you for confirmation that he’s not an arsehole so don’t indulge him. You’re worth more.

CantGetDecentNickname · 12/10/2023 13:27

Jewelspun · 12/10/2023 13:18

And if you ever bump into him again, call him by the wrong name.

This.

and if he starts telling you how good he was for you, tell him he's full of shit.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 12/10/2023 13:34

It's funny how arseholes don't want anyone to think they're arseholes.
They behave like arseholes, know they're arseholes then try to convince everyone that they're not arseholes 😂
You just need to remember that "it's lovely when the trash takes itself out"
Saves you a job!

Mrsttcno1 · 12/10/2023 13:40

I agree with other posters, don’t spend any more energy even thinking about it, ask him to send your things to you and you send his to him, and then move on.

But for future reference, anyone who after 7 months is talking about moving in and having a baby- especially when they have also been through a terrible divorce, is a red flag!

Panaa · 12/10/2023 15:35

Lots of men like that out there.

They say things like "It's not like I hit you" or "It's not like I had an affair"...or whatever it is, but they compare themselves to worse men and come out favourably in their opinion so that means in their heads that they're not one of the bad guys, therefore they're one of the good guys.

HowAmYa · 12/10/2023 15:45

Don't engage in anything he has to say. Don't reply let him think what he wants.

Block asap! (Just dump his stuff on his doorstep and write off what he's still got that's urs)

category12 · 12/10/2023 16:06

Gailswinds · 12/10/2023 13:15

Humidititties important documents, keys etc otherwise I wouldn’t be near him trust me

Documents you can post to each other or just get copies.

Keys? I'd want to change my locks personally.

curiouslypacific · 12/10/2023 16:10

The sort of people who behave poorly but blame everyone else for it, often have exceptionally fragile egos.

They don't change/grow up because to do so they'd have to accept that they might not be perfect (and thus capable of improving). This poses too much of a risk to their ego. So they go through life pretending to themselves that they're amazing and it's everone elses fault that things don't work out.

They're stuck in a never ending loop of shitty behaviour, being unable to accept they're being a shit, finding someone else to blame for their shitty behaviour and then absolving themselves, before starting the whole cycle over.

It must be pretty crap to go through life desperately trying to convince yourself that you're perfect but things keep going wrong because no-one appreciates just how awesome you are. Sucks to be him...

Newestname002 · 13/10/2023 11:17

Gailswinds · 12/10/2023 13:15

Humidititties important documents, keys etc otherwise I wouldn’t be near him trust me

Are these keys to your home or car OP?

If so change your house locks (or add an extra security key) and add a steering wheel lock to your car. I wouldn't trust this idiot one bit not to do something which at least inconveniences you. 🌹

AgentJohnson · 13/10/2023 11:27

People can always justify all kinds of shit, does he believe it, who knows and who cares. Some day he might be on the receiving end of similar type shit and hopefully he might realise but he’ll probably just see himself as a victim.

You are wasting too much headspace on this pig.

Ladyj84 · 13/10/2023 11:50

Give things back and cut ties your worth a proper man

Bluela18 · 13/10/2023 11:59

You have had a lucky escape. This is how these immature fuck boys work. They are serial cheats and shaggers and have a knack of reeling you in with false talk too soon and deeply. He might have fancied you but wasnt planning committing to you and just one of these charming assholes. Yes you are angry but you need to find away to throw this anger away and never think of him again. Don't let it waste any more of your precious energy

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