Not saying I love you

[justanotherboymum]

I've been with my boyfriend since the start of the year, so coming up to 9 months. I've always known he's a bit reserved and doesn't express his feelings. He doesn't tend to tell me I look nice or he likes me etc but does show he's keen in other ways. It's now to the point where I'm starting to pull away so as to not get hurt as he hasn't said I love you.

He doesn't say he misses me or is looking forward to seeing me or anything like that but is always keen to. I did broach the subject a month or so ago saying I can't imagine him ever being open enough to say I love you to me as I feel I'm getting there and he said he's probably a step behind me but is happy with things. I'm sort of wondering maybe he will never say it. He's very different from my ex husband so it's hard to know if I'm the issue here and I just need to be patient

Perhaps saying that this bit of reassurance verbally would mean a lot to you even though he shows he's keen in other ways.

Some people greatly value words of affirmation, especially if he's a bit guarded in general, you wouldn't mind being reminded that he cares.

At the end of the day, you have to meet somewhere in the middle. He may not be naturally vocal with his feelings, but he should put in the effort every now and then if it’s important to you. By the same token, you should give him the grace to not vocalise his feelings as often because it’s who he is, and there’s fundamentally no changing that. I hate to give a cliche but actions really do speak louder than words, so if you feel loved and supported, that’s paramount.

I would start there and personally wouldn’t tackle the ‘I love you’ issue yet as at 9 months it’s neither here nor there.

In my relationship I am the less able to vocalise my feelings. It just doesn’t come naturally. But I do consciously make the effort as I know it’s important to my husband as he is very vocal. My feelings are real and deep, 100% there, they just don’t come easily translatable to words to me.

That wouldn’t work for me as I need those verbal affirmations from someone in a relationship.

I agree with @Didimum that actions soeak louder than words. If he's reserved with his feelings perhaps it wouldn't be realistic to have him express his feelings all the time, 180 degrees change. But a little bit more, yes, why not?

I have spoken before about how I really value words of affirmation etc, he knows. I have accepted I'm not going to be getting it regularly but just a little bit more would help me. Eg I'm going away for a few weeks soon and instead of saying 'I'll miss you' or something like that which I would really value he said 'how am I going to survive that long with no sex' 🤣 He knows I'm withdrawing but I don't really know what to say as I've said it before and nothing changes

re your comment:

"I have spoken before about how I really value words of affirmation etc, he knows. I have accepted I'm not going to be getting it regularly but just a little bit more would help me. Eg I'm going away for a few weeks soon and instead of saying 'I'll miss you' or something like that which I would really value he said 'how am I going to survive that long with no sex"

Yuck.

Stop flogging this relationship with this selfish individual.
What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you that this from him is worth it?.

You've talked to him and nothing has changed. That is because this is who he really is, all he cares about is his own self. Raise your relationship bar a lot higher going forward and if necessary get counselling to work on improving your self esteem worth; men like this can and indeed do an awful lot of emotional damage.

Depends on what kind on conversation it was. ‘Hey, I’d like it if you could express your feelings to me a bit more.’ is very different from ‘I’m struggling to stay in this relationship without you putting more effort into this’. Maybe he needs more specific examples of the kind of things to prioritise, as ‘to be more verbally expressive’ is a massively wide open arena. It’s difficult to be a mind reader with this sort of thing.

This is not the person for you. He's repeatedly shown you that he can't meet your needs. You're better than this.

@justanotherboymum
You have articulated what you need; assumedly he has responded in the way that he is most capable and comfortable.

Clearly , his response was insufficient. Maybe , for him, 9 months is to soon to know if he loves you. Would you have been satisfied if he had said " in these 9 months, I have grow very fond of you?" Would you be happy thinking that he has fallen " in fond with you?"

If he has not reached the in love with you stage, affection is generally expressed by actions. It seems as though he is acting like someone who is fond of you. If you need more , it just may not be present at this time. One thing to remember is that in prior marriages or relationships, your partner may have been quicker and more articulate in stating their " love" for you but clearly none of those relationships have gone the distance.

Ultimately, you know what you need and what you are willing to accept. If he is not it, tell him so and let him go.