At my wits end and can’t ask for help anymore.

[Chattygirl45]

I’m going try my hardest to not rant but…. I feel like I’m at my wits end with my OH. We have been together 3 years, living together pretty much 3 years as we met during covid & moved in together very quickly.

We brought our home 2 years ago, and settled into a routine, and had our DD about 6months ago. Before our DD I had picked up a lot of slack (housework, cooking etc. but also planning our lives; holidays, dates). Really anything you can think of I do/did. But, because there was just the two of us, it was manageable. I did have a couple of conversations (in many forms… shouting, crying, bluntly, if you get my drift). But nothing’s ever really changed permanently on his behalf. After a couple of weeks his efforts dropped off.

Our DD was a surprise & it’s been a bit of a whirlwind, amazing but also I think the catalyst of my annoyance towards my OH. I’m trying my hardest to keep our DD in a stable routine, keep our with housework, and life in general and I feel like I may as well be a single parent!!

A lot of the time he has zero input with our DD, but also he has 0 hobbies, he isn’t over-run at work, doesn’t go to the gym, so really no excuse for him not doing anything. He’s just lazy!! A lot of the time his interactions with our DD make me cringe. He gets her all giddy, excited and then tells her off when she squeals, throws toys etc. I’m trying not to be controlling but a lot of time I end up stopping their interactions because I know he’s just winding her up and then giving her back to me when he can’t calm her down again.
This is inside and outside the house…. Outside the house I can feel people watching us and it makes me so anxious.

So I guess our DD, the house, his general incompetence, has pushed me to my wits end. I basically said in our last ‘conversation’, (about a month ago?) I said I wasn’t going to speak about it anymore because I’m asking for help, him to change etc. and I may as well be talking to the wall. I admitted I didn’t feel like I loved him anymore and ultimately I wasn’t enjoying our life together. He briefly upped his game, but I feel the last couple of weeks it’s drifted off again and I can’t have another conversation about it.

I’m already on anti-anxiety medication because I feel like he has driven me to this point!! It’s mainly our DD I feel sorry for, I’m trying my hardest to stay afloat but by myself it’s hard!! Any advice on what to
do would be greatly appreciated.

How old is he/are you? He sounds immature - is that a fair assessment?

Trial separation to see where you both stand and how you feel about each other?
also gonna be honest he shouldn’t be telling off a six month old baby either.
In some ways you are controlling because you’re limiting interactions with him and the baby. I get why though because you don’t trust him to look after her properly.
Have you gone out for the day and left them to it? Just so he learns he can’t use you as a crutch when everything needs doing?

You moved in with a virtual stranger (yes, you weren’t alone, plenty of people made stupid relationship conditions in Covid) and had a baby far too soon, with a man who is a dreadful partner and co-parent. Babies challenge the happiest and most stable of relationships, and yours isn’t that. I’d end the relationship, move on and consider myself a solo parent.

Before our DD I had picked up a lot of slack (housework, cooking etc. but also planning our lives; holidays, dates). Really anything you can think of I do/did.

Why did you do this? How do you think he managed before you arrived to make his life easy and pleasant? He’s presumably an adult who can hold down a job without your assistance. Men who don’t pick up after themselves don’t suddenly become useful when they become fathers.

He has no reason to change, he know that you might cry and shout a bit but you’ll still do it all anyway.

Now it’s affecting your innocent baby hopefully you’ll see him for the lazy, useless waste of space he is and ditch him.

They don’t change. They don’t want to change.

Of course you don’t love him or enjoy your life right now, he’s a constant disappointment. But you need to work out why you allowed such a mad imbalance in effort in the first place so you never end up with a man child sapping draining your life away again.

We’re both 26. I definitely feel like immaturity plays a part. But when I have been explicit in what I want and need? What more can I do?

He won’t change. This is it. Live with it for the next 40+ years or split now.

I’ve suggested time apart but he is always adamant on not doing this. He parents are
divorced and it definitely really upset him and whenever I suggest space it makes him very upset, apologetic etc.
I have tried going out for the day, and keeping myself busy, a life away from my DD but he just sits there with her. He wouldn’t take her out, doesn’t feed her at the times I write down. I come back to odds and ends to finish up.

I am very clean and tidy and he isn’t. We were raised very differently, MIL house is chaos (piles of stuff everywhere, collecting dust) I think they just don’t see it? Or it doesn’t bother them? But I can’t cope with it, makes me nutty! LOL
It’s easy saying just leave, I’ve considered the options, but we’re only 6months in with our DD I think I owe it to her to try? Hence asking for advice.

Did he live with his mum before you?

Leave now that way she'll have a better childhood. Guaranteed.

Yes. We both lived with parents, then we moved into our home together.
I work full time at home too! If I didn’t I don’t know how I would cope!! and my office is now my DD room.

@Chattygirl45 enrol him on a parenting class and go to couples counselling if you don’t want to leave him, I think constructively that’s the best advice.
Otherwise if things don’t change I second other posters I would make plans to split.

It's not about getting him to understand, as I sense you've been trying to do, and are baffled that he still doesn't get it. He gets it, he just doesn't care.

He's always been useless in the past.
He's useless now.
He will always be useless.

Make a choice.

You need to leave him. It's as simple as that. You cannot change him and it's not your job to fix or change him. You are both different people and want different things.

I'm 43 and split from my kids dad this year. I had all the red flags you did about your DP when I was your age. I was always the one cleaning up and being the responsible one. I wish I had left him before I had kids with him. Don't waste 20+ years of your life with him like I did!

I think useless is a strong word. At the beginning of the relationship I didn’t think he was… or maybe I didn’t notice.
And I thought this. I was very black and white. But I honestly don’t think he knows, I ased him previously “do you know why I’m upset?”, when he replied “yes”, I though success!!! He thought I was upset over something else very specific….

Once you’ve emphasised the problem again and he’s in the two-week period of being more useful, give lots of positive reinforcement? Show him how sharing the load benefits you all, him included? I know it may seem as if it isn’t necessary or perhaps appropriate , but pulling his weight is something he hasn’t learned in childhood.

I mean - you moved in with a man who had never lived alone and discovered he was immature, lazy, selfish and messy and then...had a baby with him?? You knew what he was like and you expect him to change now? Not going to happen. You either accept this is your life or you separate.

Why not get a cleaner?

This is what happens when people commit to each other when they don’t know each other properly

The guy was raised in mess and so he genuinely isn’t concerned about it the same way you are - you are asking him to change his fabric well why don’t you change yours?

You stopped loving him because he can’t clean and tidy after only 6 months of being a parent?!

Id say you are asking for too much especially saying he is hyping the baby up? Really? At 6 months old?

However you do you and understand that he will get access to the baby and his cluttered mother!

Next time wait at least three years before you jump into something

And understand that people rarely change! If you were doing the cleaning etc in the beginning chances are you’ll always be doing it

Awww so sorry you’re going through this OP.

It’s the hardest time with a new baby because you can feel so trapped in your relationship. I remember feeling like I’d always had the option to runaway from a relationship that was getting me down but once DS was born that option felt like it was gone.

But it isn’t…

The good thing is you don’t sound like you need anyone to be a good mum or a successful person.

You never know he might change. Give him clear expectations like I need you to clean the bathroom once a week, cook dinner on Mon, Wed, Fri etc. and let him know that if things aren’t different in 6 months (by which time you’ll feel a bit more human and have your independence back) then you’re gone.

Sending virtual hugs x

Well this is kind to a new young mum reaching out for support - well done you.

They’ve been together 3 years so hardly jumped into it.

Bit of a privileged assumption that everyone can automatically afford a cleaner.

This.

Before leaving, spell out how unhappy you are and what he needs to do, long-term, to change things. And make it clear you will leave if it carries on like this.

Has he ever read books about parenting and child development, gone to baby classes, hung out with other parents?

Could you also both keep a log of what you do in the house over a week or a month and then compare, and ask him to justify the difference?

So many men are raised to just think if they just disregard housework then a woman will do it for them eventually. Which they often do, tbh. It's a strategy that tends to work.

Leaving isn't that easy, hard financially and you're going to be stuck co-parenting whether you're living together or not.

I wouldn't be taking DC when he gets her worked up - let him sort it out and he might learn not to do it.

I’ve suggested time apart but he is always adamant on not doing this. He parents are
divorced and it definitely really upset him and whenever I suggest space it makes him very upset, apologetic etc

If you aren't happy you do not need to stay with him.
He's so adamant on not separating but is doing nothing to help the situation.
I suspect the reason he gets so upset when you suggest it is because he has such an easy life. Everything is done for him. He has gone from his mum doing everything for him to you doing everything for him.
Plus, if he does move out, he's going to have to put in effort to see you and his child. Do you think he would do that considering he can't do anything with her now, even feeding her when she needs it?
I think, for your own sanity, you need to have a break from each other and he can decide if he is going to step up, and you can decide if actually you want him back.

DP and I were 25 when we had our surprise baby. We were both immature in lots of ways but we were a team and have matured together to build a good life for our kids.

I don't think it's looking hopeful for you if he has literally nothing else to do and still cba to help.

Also the shouting at a 6 month old thing is absolutely unbelievable. He is not going to cope with a toddler.

I think you need a clear conversation about what kind of environment you each want to live in
you need to ask questions such as :
how much litter round the house is okay ?
how long can a sink of dirty dishes sit waiting to be washed up ?
is it okay to mop the floor once a year
how often should we hoover up ?
how often do we change the bed sheets ?

the answers will tell you how compatible your housekeeping standards are

i think they need to be close to be able to live together

( and yours sound light years away from your OH, but this conversation will confirm this.)