Narcissist man came back after 8 months

[zarazara87]

This guy I deeply fell on love with 4 years ago ended up emotionally abusing me lots of disgusting awful behaviour. He dumped me pulled me back over and over again. 8 months ago he ended it over text blocked me on every thing. And I was left completely crippled and destroyed.

Lots of counselling working on my self. I've been dating a guy as well and he's amazing kind sweet and takes it at my pace.

Now after all this time this guy comes back. He's spent the best part for a week begging me to take him back. Sent flowers to my work telling me he's going to un alive him self extreme lengths .

He asked me to meet up I said no and asked him to leave me lone.

He's called me awful stuff this week like I'm evil for turning him away. Saying I'm rubbing in his face that I'm happy.

I've blocked him but he's getting through via email any way today I think he's finally got the hint

This is the first time I've stood my ground my boundaries and not give in.

But not I have this overwhelming guilt like I'm the horrible person. Why do I feel like this. I haven't felt this low since I was with him and he was slowly destroying me

Well he's obviously not changed in any way.

It's not your fault he's a dickhead. Please don't feel responsible for him. He was clearly behaving dreadfully before he even met you.

Set his emails to go to spam and try to forget he ever existed.

Look after yourself 🌺

Give him a firm warning to leave you alone or you will refer his harassment to the police

I feel your pain, i am one week out of 4 year narc relationship. I start counselling tomorrow. Everything i have read is "DO NOT ENGAGE" in any way !! He wants an emotional feed from you ..doesn't matter what it is.

Block & change email if need be. Reflect on what you learnt in therapy.

Focus on your new relationship and looking forward ...

Thinking of you

Oh one week that is so extremely hard. I felt great until he started contacting me.

I've made the mistake of talking to him saying how he hurt me and soon realise I was just feeding him. Today I stood my ground and boundaries I just feel so awful and guilty like I did for 4 years. I've told the guy I'm dating as well because we have a good thing even tho it's early. Nothing like last time.

Do not engage. Call the police and get a log number
So what if he says he says he will unalive himself? He'd be doing the world a favour

I think people are are far to quick to label shitty men Narcs because it somehow makes the recipient of the shittiness feel they aren’t in control. Op if you really believed this man is a narcissist then you know that he isn’t about to change and engagement only leads to more of the same.

Block and report his harassment to the Police. If you really need to rehash the relationship then talk to a counsellor. You didn’t need to engage with this man and you need to understand why you did because that is the behaviour you can change.

As great as the new man is, are you really ready for a new relationship if an old one still occupies this much headspace.

Just remember how good you felt with him out of your life these last few months.

Just block and ignore him. Send his emails to spam. If he turns up to see you tell him to leave or you will report him for harrassment.

I get wanting to let him know all the things he did to hurt you. You want validation from him, an apology maybe, thats normal.

So write them all down in a huge ranting letter, or record a voice note of what you'd want to say to him. but don't give it to him. it won;t make any difference to him at all.
He knows all the things he did to you. he already knows. And he isn't sorry either if he is now guilting you into thinking you are a horrible person for not wanting him back. You are not.

Narcissists often try and pull previous partners back in. Its what they do because they need that validation from someone. Anyone. If you shut him off at the pass, he'll be onto the next ex. It isn't you he wants, its just someone to validate him. And no doubt he is also full of woe and remorse and telling you you are the one that got away, love of his life, soulmate etc etc. Its all just bollocks. And you know this because when you told him to leave you alone he resorted to guilt tripping you.

Don't give him that satisfaction. The thing that narcissists hate over everything is being ignored, not validated, someone being indifferent to them. So do that.
And absolutely go ahead and report him if he carries on.

It's part of the narc routine. Obviously he's short of narc supply at the moment and thought you'd be happy to help. It's good you stood your ground, he'll be less likely to comeback again now you've been such a terrible disappointment to him. (sarcasm obv)

But not I have this overwhelming guilt like I'm the horrible person. Why do I feel like this.

It's the residual effects of the condition you underwent whilst you were in a relationship with him. It's remarkable how narcs can manipulate and change you.

His behaviour this week may have been unpleasant but you stood your ground and refused to give him what he wanted. You are on the road to recovery and if he does come back again it will be easier to tell him to fuck off next time.

Feel proud of yourself for not being sucked back in.

Just keep ignoring him. Do not go back to him.

Seriously, a firm verbal fuck off then block. If he persists, police.

But now I have this overwhelming guilt like I'm the horrible person.
You are not a horrible person. Its normal for you to feel like this after being firm about a boundary for the first few times - especially when they go to extreme lengths like making threats of suicide. It takes time to learn to be comfortable with saying 'no'. Its very likely that he tested you at the start of the grooming process (it wasn't a genuine relationship) to check that you were compliant. Think back to the early days - did he ever push at a boundary you'd set?

Well done on recognising that you have to block him. If he continues to email or turns up in person please report him to the police immediately. Take your new relationship slowly and keep an eye on your self esteem. On a complete side note where did the expression 'un alive' come from and why is it used? It bugs me which I know is irrational but why not say he threatened to kill himself?

This is part of textbook narcissist behaviour called hoovering:

https://www.simplypsychology.org/narcissistic-hoovering-signs-how-to-respond.html

Apart from that I agree with all the other posters. If he doesn't stop contacting you let him know you'll contact he police if he doesn't stop, then block his e-mail. If he contacts you agan through other means, then go to the police.

"Un alive" has come from some social media (Tik Tok for sure and probably others). Words like "kill" are bocked so people are getting....creative. It's started to spill over into mainstream use

I call this feeding the dragon. Every-time you feed him you give him oxygen so he can breathe his fire onto you

Now you know so if going forward you feed him then it’s on you as to why he can breathe fire in your direction!

Wise up