If your MIL is toxic

[JustGivingUp]

DH and I are going through some tough marriage problems currently, I don’t know if we will survive it. If I’m really honest with myself I don’t think we will.

What really doesn’t help is the influence my MIL has. She blames me for all of DH’s behaviour. As if anything he did wasn’t a choice on his part. Thinks I’m completely unreasonable, dysfunctional you name it. I’ve overheard her telling DH all of this. She is a thoroughly unpleasant person and I want nothing more to do with her. I’m fine with this, and don’t see why I have to be in contact with someone so toxic. One of the issues is the lack of back up from DH, he pussyfoots around her. No one from her family ever calls out her behaviour.

But how do you manage this? On a day to day basis I don’t have to see her. But we have 3 DC, they have birthdays and there is Christmas, how does that play out?

I feel like leaving them both to it as I’ll always be the bad guy. Part of me has had enough. But I don’t know if I’m ready. I’m just so sad and hurt.

That sounds really tough. I hope you and DH come through this if that's what you want and if it's possible to get through this.
I also have very difficult in laws. Similarly, the lack of willingness to address this has made me lose some respect for DH. However, over recent years, we have withdrawn from interacting with in laws down to Christmas and (some) birthdays. They have no interest in the kids or me, so DH sees them occasionally on his own. Removing toxic people from our family life has been really positive for all of us. It's sad and unfair the kids are a set of grandparents down, but there's never been a positive relationship and when they do see them, they only want to speak to DH and ignore the kids.

All the best with yours.

He sounds really enmeshed with her, so I think you are pushing water uphill trying to get through to him there's a book I read trying to understand my son, who is not enmeshed at all, he is an immature hero, all hubris no self-control but the book stated that an enmeshed man cannot feel "sexual" about a partner who competes with his mother to have more influence over him than his mother has. So the relationship dies.

I'd teĺ him you're off on a yoga retreat, off to walk the casino. Try to have a six month period where before you actually leave him, you live like you"ve left. Spending the evening with your mother? Lovely. I'll be at the gym.

Your mother is staying the night? Lovely. I'll be at my brother's.

Your mother needs a lift to the airport? Lovely, drop me off at Gatwick before you pick her up and I'll spent the weekend in Brighton.

If it doesn't bring you back together a bit, give up. 100% accept it's not fixable.

I had no contact with my mil for the last year of my marriage. It was complete bliss. Ex husband did birthdays etc.

Sadly the damage was already done and we have since separated. Don’t underestimate the damage in laws and an unsupportive husband can do.

Good luck

Some really interesting replies, thank you.

You’re right he is enmeshed. He is also the golden child, so of course I’m to blame. I’m not saying I didn’t make mistakes within our marriage, but I’m not to blame for his actions or choices. She doesn’t see the DC that much as she’s too busy.

It has made me lose some respect for him. I’m aware I have to stop giving her any control and create boundaries for myself which I have done already and I’m happier for it. I’m just so sad and disappointed that my life has ended up in a complete shitty mess.

I always thought we got on ok, but I guess not.

My mil is the same, been no contact for 3 months so far and it's been BLISS.

All me and dhs problems stopped as soon as I went no contact with her. We get along great now. Didn't relieze the negative impact she had on us until we stepped away from her.

As far as Christmases & birthdays go I told DH he's welcome to go to hers and see her for a few hours or whatever on those days just don't expect me to go with him.

I think that’s how I’m going to have to approach it. He can take the DC there or visit, but I’ll stay at home or do something for myself.

Whatever is happening in your marriage is none of that nosey woman's bloody business! Christmas day at home with dh and dc. He can take them another day to see them. Do not let them muscle in on your special days op. I would tell dh being an adult mummy's boy isn't an attractive quality.

Do. The "secret" is not to compete for his time. Don't spend the time at home doing chores as that will give off martyr energy. Instead be like, drop me at the cinema/drop me at my mum's/pilates/shops.
If he is CHOOSING to give up hours of free time to his mother, Don't be at home making sure the house runs smoothly.
If you aren't a bit happier after 6 months, reassess!