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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Telling someone how they feel

7 replies

Daisy12Maisie · 11/10/2023 18:09

The scenario is:
Male/ female couple together 2 years but live separately. Her mortgage has jumped up so high she has had to rent out a room to a lodger. Lodger is lovely but its been a huge disruption moving all bedrooms in the house around. Reason for this is lodger has got main bedroom that previously belonged to homeowner. One child has moved out so child 2 has moved into his bedroom.
So after a lovely evening together female says in passing that she is going to finish sorting out her bedroom at the weekend. Male says dont be ridiculous that would have only taken you an hour. Female then ecplains that its been a massive job, her whole life was in the original room, photo albums, paperwork for her business etc. She said she sorted through her stuff and childrens stuff to fit into new rooms and has been to the tip and clothing bank several times. He laughs at her and tells her not to be ridiculous and says it would have taken him an hr. She starts to become tearful and reminds him that she nearly lost her house due to morthgage rise so despite the lodger being nice its still been stressful and a big upheaval and lots of work. He said dont be silly you could have done it yesterday when you were working from home. She says she couldnt as she has been flat out with work lately. Sometimes she does get downtime at work but not at the moment. He repeats not to be silly and that she isnt busy at work.

After going round in circles he asks if she wants a hug but she says no not while we are arguing. As it continued she walked out and went home so as not to escalate things. She then apologised for walking out as she isnt sure if it was the right thing to do or not. He hasnt apologised and thinks they need to agree to disagree.

My question is, is this just a silly argument or is that gaslighting telling her she is not busy at work when she is and telling her she is being silly and it wasnt stressful and it would take an hour when she knows this is not true as it took several days and isnt quite finished.

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 11/10/2023 18:11

Yes he’s a gas lighting arse twat and you should dump him OP

WorkSmarter · 11/10/2023 18:14

He is at the very least unsympathetic, has no empathy and no clue TBH.

Xx

Alphyn · 11/10/2023 18:17

What @MiddleagedBeachbum said - he’s dismissive and condescending and the way you responded to him shows that he’s starting to make you doubt your own reality. Dump.

Opentooffers · 11/10/2023 18:42

He clearly is plain wrong as its taken longer. What he is saying is basically "I'm better than you and could do it far quicker". He has also belittled you job and has no insight into what wfh can entail.
He has a nasty trait of making himself feel good by bringing down others around him, which stems from his own insecurities. He probably behaved that way because you implied you'd be busy doing stuff over the weekend, so likely to be unable to see him. He was being insecure about that too and that's where his scepticism came from, seeing you being busy as an excuse not to see him in his warped logic.
It must be quite waring, I doubt it's just this instance he has been like this. Up to you if you can put up with it.

Specso · 11/10/2023 18:47

Male sounds like a bit of an insensitive twat and he is in the wrong in that disagreement.

Bimbimmer · 11/10/2023 18:55

“Don’t be silly” as a response to anything I say is an instant red flag for me - my ex used to minimise every thought or feeling I had - usually with those words - and I will never forget how humiliating it was.

Fromage · 11/10/2023 18:56

He is a pig.

A brilliant pig, because he could have done the job in merr seconds, instead of the hours she wasted on it. He has also unburdened himself of any sympathy or understanding. He might also be a deaf pig because he wasn't listening.

So yeah, a pig. Dump the chump.

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