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Original poster

Stay or go?

26 replies

ThriceThriceThice · 11/10/2023 16:48

In my early 50s - partner is 6 years older. We met on OLD and have been together for 5 months. He is great company, we laugh a lot together, fancy each other and have a good, active sex life. We are compatible in terms of career, interests, finances - both of us are fit and healthy, have good circle of friends, grown up children (some still at home but v independent and plan to move out in next couple of years). Most importantly I believe he is honest and genuine. My last two LTRs ended badly when I found out that they were fundamentally dishonest/unfaithful so this is an incredibly attractive trait for me.

My problem is that he is very closed down emotionally. He has told me that he likes me a lot, but that’s as far as it goes. He struggles to be affectionate outside of the bedroom and I feel that we are almost FWB (although we are exclusive). I am yearning for more intimacy and am starting to feel quite sad and low.

We have talked about this and he has reassured me that he has ‘strong feelings’ for me but that it takes him a long time to open up and he wants to let the relationship continue and develop. I’m left feeling like I have to jump through some invisible hoop - I’m not sure what else he wants or needs from me - we both know each other pretty well by now.

On one hand, I respect his need to take things at his own pace and not feel pressured or rushed into any sort of commitment - obviously at our age we both have histories/baggage.

On the other hand, I am not expecting to move in together or get married, but just need to feel cared for and loved. I feel quite tearful writing this as it’s obviously a deep need and I don’t think it’s excessive or unreasonable.

Most of my friends think I should cut my losses and move on. However, I know that he is a decent guy and that there aren’t actually that many of them out there - I do really like him but can’t bear feeling like this.

Any advice / experiences appreciated. At present I’m thinking that I’ll give it till Christmas but today I’m having a bad day and not sure I can last that long.

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 11/10/2023 16:51

OMG!
Its been 5 months... whats your hurry?
Relax, enjoy the journey!!
🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

RandomMess · 11/10/2023 16:53

It's still a new relationship!

Give it time, enjoy not having someone's emotional baggage verbally dumped on you.

Redruby2020 · 11/10/2023 16:54

Hi OP, so what is it you want from him outside the bedroom exactly.

Original poster
ThriceThriceThice · 11/10/2023 17:14

Redruby2020 · 11/10/2023 16:54

Hi OP, so what is it you want from him outside the bedroom exactly.

Specifically, I’d like him to hug me and touch me more and say some romantic things to me now and again. I need affection and closeness. That’s normal for me in a relationship.

I want to feel that when I’ve had a bad day he will be there for me and hold me - or rather that he wants to be there for me.

It’s odd, because I’ve had quite a few relationships in my time and never had this issue before - it feels like there is an invisible barrier that he has around him.

OP posts:
category12 · 11/10/2023 17:20

I am yearning for more intimacy and am starting to feel quite sad and low.

He might be a nice guy, but a relationship shouldn't make you feel like this.

Cuddles and affectionate touching outside the bedroom are important to me as well. If he's not comfortable with that / doesn't have that in him, then it seems like a major incompatibility that will make you miserable.

This is the honeymoon period where I'd expect there to be a lot of physical touch, tbh. It's more likely to get worse than better.

Original poster
ThriceThriceThice · 11/10/2023 17:22

Bonbon21 · 11/10/2023 16:51

OMG!
Its been 5 months... whats your hurry?
Relax, enjoy the journey!!
🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

That’s exactly what he’d say Bonbon! But the problem is I can’t see that we are going anywhere. I feel that we reached a plateau once we started having sex and am not sure if there is a ‘journey’.

It feels like we are just friends who sleep with each other. That’s all good, but I have lots of mates already. I’m looking for a relationship.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 11/10/2023 17:24

My advice is stop assuming everyone falls in love as quickly as you do.

It's lovely you're in love, but he's told you he ares for you a lot which seems a big thing.

OTOH if you only really see each other for sex, he barely talks to you outside of the bedroom, isn't looking to introduce you to his friends, doesn't treat you well then move on.

Original poster
ThriceThriceThice · 11/10/2023 17:27

category12 · 11/10/2023 17:20

I am yearning for more intimacy and am starting to feel quite sad and low.

He might be a nice guy, but a relationship shouldn't make you feel like this.

Cuddles and affectionate touching outside the bedroom are important to me as well. If he's not comfortable with that / doesn't have that in him, then it seems like a major incompatibility that will make you miserable.

This is the honeymoon period where I'd expect there to be a lot of physical touch, tbh. It's more likely to get worse than better.

I agree - it’s too early to feel like this and it’s not a good sign. It’s sad when we get on so well, but I am starting to wonder if this is a deal breaker - I don’t think he will change.

OP posts:
Millybob · 11/10/2023 17:28

Why do you have to be going anywhere? You're in your 50s, it's not like you're wanting to start a family. Enjoy this for what it is - it sounds great to me. Don't lose what you've got by trying to change it into something else.

Original poster
ThriceThriceThice · 11/10/2023 17:31

SleepingStandingUp · 11/10/2023 17:24

My advice is stop assuming everyone falls in love as quickly as you do.

It's lovely you're in love, but he's told you he ares for you a lot which seems a big thing.

OTOH if you only really see each other for sex, he barely talks to you outside of the bedroom, isn't looking to introduce you to his friends, doesn't treat you well then move on.

Do you really think 5 months is quickly? Interesting - it seems like a fairly long time for me to know how you feel about someone, but you are right, we are obviously different.

We do talk a lot but it’s always in a matter of fact way or joking with each other. It’s just not very affectionate. I have been introduced to some of his friends and he does treat me well.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThriceThriceThice · 11/10/2023 17:33

Millybob · 11/10/2023 17:28

Why do you have to be going anywhere? You're in your 50s, it's not like you're wanting to start a family. Enjoy this for what it is - it sounds great to me. Don't lose what you've got by trying to change it into something else.

Because closeness, intimacy and affection are basic needs for me in a relationship - as important as sex and trust. I guess lots of other people don’t need them in the same way which is interesting.

OP posts:
SuperheroBirds · 11/10/2023 17:35

You say it isn’t what you are used to in a relationship, but to be blunt your previous relationships weren’t that great or you would still be with them. It could be argued that him not rushing into saying I love you is another sign of his honesty. He isn’t being dishonest and saying what he thinks you want to hear, he is telling you his truth.
If it is making you unhappy, it probably isn’t the best relationship for you. Have you tried asking him to be more physically affectionate outside the bedroom?

category12 · 11/10/2023 17:38

ThriceThriceThice · 11/10/2023 17:33

Because closeness, intimacy and affection are basic needs for me in a relationship - as important as sex and trust. I guess lots of other people don’t need them in the same way which is interesting.

Show quote history

I don't know, I think people might have focused in on the lack of words/not saying I love you yet, rather than the lack of affection?

Or that might be my bias.

Personally I would struggle. I wouldn't particularly need to hear the words, but not having affectionate touch / closeness other than for sex wouldn't work for me.

MrsHedgewitch · 11/10/2023 17:39

I completely understand. My DP is older, 68, we have a wonderful sex life but it is the intimacy outside intercourse that makes us both feel at peace in the relationship: cuddles, holding hands, a peck on the back of his neck when I walk past his chair, him rubbing my shoulders etc…we both know that the bedroom side of things will go at some point but the relationship is solid as a rock and as strong, because we both feel valued as people outwith making love.
I would say, 5 months is not long no, but I had an ex who could only show he cared in the bedroom and it left me feeling lonely and actually cheap - I know that wasn’t his intention but I needed more. You need an honest conversation about intimacy.

Original poster
ThriceThriceThice · 11/10/2023 17:46

SuperheroBirds · 11/10/2023 17:35

You say it isn’t what you are used to in a relationship, but to be blunt your previous relationships weren’t that great or you would still be with them. It could be argued that him not rushing into saying I love you is another sign of his honesty. He isn’t being dishonest and saying what he thinks you want to hear, he is telling you his truth.
If it is making you unhappy, it probably isn’t the best relationship for you. Have you tried asking him to be more physically affectionate outside the bedroom?

Yes - I get that. He could be sweet talking lies to me and obviously that would be horrible (btw not all my past relationships have been bad - just the last two!)

I’ve always been with very demonstrative guys before and I love being held and getting affection and giving it. I’ve never had to ask for this before or even really considered it - it’s always happened organically after a couple of months once the relationship becomes physical - so it’s new for me.

I do respect his honesty though.

I have asked for more affection and he tries sometimes and is physically more open at times but it doesn’t come naturally to him. However, he does love me being physically affectionate with him!

He absolutely does not seem able to do romantic/loving talk - but I could live without that if I had more physical intimacy outside of sex.

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 11/10/2023 17:50

Specifically, I’d like him to hug me and touch me more and say some romantic things to me now and again. I need affection and closeness. That’s normal for me in a relationship.

I want to feel that when I’ve had a bad day he will be there for me and hold me - or rather that he wants to be there for me.

It’s odd, because I’ve had quite a few relationships in my time and never had this issue before - it feels like there is an invisible barrier that he has around him.

Yes i see what you mean, i am a bit like this too when it comes to being with someone, but I know I have issues myself and I can be quite cold in that way, well since growing up issues and previous relationships that have made it worse if not actually caused it.
So i can't be completely off with a guy for being like that too.

But my longest relationship was like that amongst many other problems, and it meant I didn't even feel like sleeping with him over time.

I get it that someone replied it is new don't rush etc. But that's just it, there are certain things, which if they are going to be there, they would be there now. And usually the time where you are all over eachother.
I had a relationship last year, and we were like that, especially in those first few months.

I think someone is either like that or they aren't, it's not something that can be requested or it will come in time.
So this is your time to decide if you want to continue with things or not.
It is an important thing, and something that is important to you so I don't really see how you will be able to just put it aside, and carry on happily.

LightSpeeds · 11/10/2023 17:52

If you feel like there's a great big hole in the relationship for YOU, then there is. Don't get sidetracked into questioning yourself by people here. They're not in your relationship. You say you haven't felt like this with other partners, so you KNOW if there's an issue.

I've had a few partners like this - it will continue to sap your emotional energy and self esteem. You NEVER need to question a relationship that is right!

Original poster
ThriceThriceThice · 11/10/2023 17:53

MrsHedgewitch · 11/10/2023 17:39

I completely understand. My DP is older, 68, we have a wonderful sex life but it is the intimacy outside intercourse that makes us both feel at peace in the relationship: cuddles, holding hands, a peck on the back of his neck when I walk past his chair, him rubbing my shoulders etc…we both know that the bedroom side of things will go at some point but the relationship is solid as a rock and as strong, because we both feel valued as people outwith making love.
I would say, 5 months is not long no, but I had an ex who could only show he cared in the bedroom and it left me feeling lonely and actually cheap - I know that wasn’t his intention but I needed more. You need an honest conversation about intimacy.

That’s exactly how I feel too. I know it’s not his intention to make me feel unloved/unimportant but that’s exactly what’s happening. I am glad you have such a lovely relationship.

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 11/10/2023 17:57

SleepingStandingUp · 11/10/2023 17:24

My advice is stop assuming everyone falls in love as quickly as you do.

It's lovely you're in love, but he's told you he ares for you a lot which seems a big thing.

OTOH if you only really see each other for sex, he barely talks to you outside of the bedroom, isn't looking to introduce you to his friends, doesn't treat you well then move on.

Thing is you can have a bit of both.

I was seeing someone for about 4/5 months who wanted an indoors arrangement if you see what I mean. I liked him a lot and he had some good points, but the sex wasn't that great that it would have given me longer term happiness.
He had his own issues, but also in regards to having a gf/anything about me i don't know.
But we used to have daily phone contact. And in the evenings after my DC went to bed, he would call then or say call me when it's ok to speak, and we would video call nightly. Like an hour at a time, this made me fall for him even more, but then I realised the not so positive side where a friend said at the time, he is reeling you in, and keeping you hooked, and taking up your time, she was right.

Although I am not always good with my free time at weekends, if I had been willing to spend that time with him, he wanted to see me every weekend. Albeit it would have most likely always been indoors.

He had to move and because I was not willing to bring him home, plus he didn't seem to be interested in at least meeting out sometimes to keep the connection going, it ended, so the proof is in the pudding 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
ThriceThriceThice · 11/10/2023 17:58

LightSpeeds · 11/10/2023 17:52

If you feel like there's a great big hole in the relationship for YOU, then there is. Don't get sidetracked into questioning yourself by people here. They're not in your relationship. You say you haven't felt like this with other partners, so you KNOW if there's an issue.

I've had a few partners like this - it will continue to sap your emotional energy and self esteem. You NEVER need to question a relationship that is right!

Is that true? That you never need to question a relationship that is right?
I would have probably agreed a few years ago, but now I’m not so sure.

But I agree I can’t let it continue to sap my emotional energy - it’s distracting me from enjoying my life so we either have to find a solution or let it go.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 11/10/2023 18:11

Have you considered he might be ASD. This might well be who he is, so he may not be able to control his response - or lack of it. He's not doing what comes naturally to him as it isn't natural to him.
Some people like this have learnt to emulate affection without actually feeling it, so can initially seem quite sweet, but it can't be kept up indefinitely as it's copying and going through the motions. Learnt behaviour isn't the same as felt behaviour. Your choice could be to either accept the difference, or walk away.

Abitslow · 11/10/2023 18:13

No advice really its early days i hope it gets better for you.

3rd post to remind me why i want to stay single.
But i do have bedroom fun just not the drama of having to live with a man no strings attached for me.

Frazzledandfried · 11/10/2023 18:18

If you're not getting what you need from the relationship then don't pursue it any further. He's not going to change and you shouldn't feel like you're missing out. Your person is still out there somewhere!

Original poster
ThriceThriceThice · 11/10/2023 18:27

Opentooffers · 11/10/2023 18:11

Have you considered he might be ASD. This might well be who he is, so he may not be able to control his response - or lack of it. He's not doing what comes naturally to him as it isn't natural to him.
Some people like this have learnt to emulate affection without actually feeling it, so can initially seem quite sweet, but it can't be kept up indefinitely as it's copying and going through the motions. Learnt behaviour isn't the same as felt behaviour. Your choice could be to either accept the difference, or walk away.

I have quite a lot of professional experience of ASD and don’t think he fits well in that box. He can be very empathic and is in a very person/relationship centered job - obviously haven’t done a clinical assessment but if he is masking then he’s doing so very well.

But I agree in that the big question is whether this is who he is that just has to be accepted or if this is something that will / can change.

OP posts:
Whataretalkingabout · 12/10/2023 01:05

People don't change fundamentally. He sounds emotionally unavailable. You don't seem compatible and you will end up feeling so lonely and lose all your self esteem. Okay he is a really nice person , well thank goodness!
But so what if you are not getting your needs met? EU men suck all the joy out of you.