Introducing new partner to children

[WhyDoTheyDoItt]

Interested in opinions, how long do people think it is suitable to wait before introducing children to a new partner.

Back story, children are 10 and 8 and their dad moved out 3 months ago, we had been together their whole lives.

It was only last week he had told me he was single to now this week asking if I'd be comfortable with introducing the children to his new girlfriend this weekend. As far as I can work out they have been together a couple months tops.

Was I wrong in saying no I'm not comfortable with that yet? (he was ok about it)

We had always agreed should we split that we'd wait a year before introducing new partners.

I know now he spends more time around his partners child than his own. This worries me that our children may feel replaced? Or is that me projecting my own feelings? My eldest especially is quite emotionally aware and took the split quite hard.

It's a tough situation and I do feel a bit blindsided by it all.

I'd ask why he was wanting to introduce them so quickly to a new partner? What is the rush. Is he thinking of having your kids over at hers?

I think a few months is far too quick. I'd want it to be a significant amount of time and know that this relationship was going to last a good while before even thinking about introductions.

Yes I am wondering why the sudden rush now and also going back on what we agreed? As far as I'm aware new partner lives with family (is significantly younger) so I don't think the staying over is the reason.

Personally I feel the children need a good amount of time to adjust to this new normal before throwing new partners and othe co dependents into the mix. I don't wish for them to have a stream of people in and out of their lives.
He is very cagey about the relationship itself, hasn't told me who this person is or any other details.

I'd be doubting she's as new as he claims and suspect she was actually OW, but I suppose that isn't a productive line of thought.

It is very quick following the split for him to start introducing a new girlfriend. You're not wrong to want him to wait, but you won't be able to stop him. Ask him to stick to your prior agreement - don't expect him to stick to it.

I’d say around 6 months but does depend how often you’re seeing them. Once a week, 6 months won’t be often enough. He doesn’t have to listen to you though, he can introduce them if he wants

You can say what you like but he doesn’t have to listen unfortunately

That is far too early to be introducing a new partner. There really are some s* parents aren’t there?

I think a year is unrealistic but a couple of months is a bit soon.
Fwiw I met my SC fairly soon but DH had been seperated a while beforehand. Kids were curious to meet me.

The main issue is that it's not good to introduce lots of new partners, so you want to be sure that it's a long term one before introductions.

My kids were older and i introduced after a couple of weeks, I wanted their opinion! They chose to move with me across the country (they had the option to stay with their dad in the family home) it worked for us but if they were under 12 or so I would have waited longer

My neighbours children now refuse to meet any more of their Dads new partners, he's been through that many.

I left it a year and introduced them slowly. I also promised DD she would never have to share her home with him. She was 11 at the time, now 18 and at university. She has a really brilliant relationship with my partner, he's like a second father to her, but we still don't live together. I honestly don't understand the rush to.move in together and play happy families. It's hardly ever on the child's best interest.

FWIW I think your ex is a selfish twat to want to introduce your children to his new shag so soon. And the new shag is a twat to allow a man she barely knows around her own children. I know you can't stop it, but hopefully you are coparenting well enough with him that he will at least listen to your concerns and act accordingly.

As a couple of others have pointed out, you can say what you like but he can do what he wants. You're very early in the process but trust me the more you push on issues like this the more conflict you'll have. In the end they will do what they want even if you know it's not in the child's best interests. It's infuriating, worrying and horrible to deal with but you have to just accept this is how co parenting often is. Just be stable and supportive for your children and they'll be alright.

You’ll have to accept thisnis the future and there may be multiple ‘new partners’ that your children will be introduced to. How you manage this is to remain the consistent force in your child’s lives. They’ll notice one day. Trust me.

Seconded. My DP introduced me to his child after we'd been together 6 months. By this time he'd been separated from her mother for around ten years and I was the second person he'd introduced her to since the split. Contrast with her mother, who introduces her to several new men each year. He's a source of security for his child, her mother is a source of anxiety. Child lives with him full time and visits her mother maybe once a month for a few hours.

It's tricky as obviously the new (if she's really new) gf has made the decision to introduce her ('new') boyfriend to her dc, so they may be defensive - you saying you don't feel it's appropriate for your own dc it basically criticising her. She may have less choice if she has the kids for all or most of the time though.

I think you should agree on what you mean by 'meeting'. Saying hello at a drop off, attending a wonder family party, and being there for bed and bathtime and breakfast are all very different - I would at the very least keep new partners out of intimate family routines like the latter for as long as possible, but meeting someone at a party isn't a huge deal as kids meet new adults all the time . That's probably the bit I'd want to negotiate with him.

Yes, this. Clarify what he means by introduce. Children knowing their dad has a girlfriend and sometimes she comes to clip and climb with them, or keeps dad company while he watches them do football training, or comes for tea on Fridays, is very different to meeting gf (and her child?) and she stays over (or they stay at hers) and starts doing school pickups etc.

Just to try and answer a few questions, we are co parenting as well as can do given the situation. However I have to be careful on what I voice/how I approach things as he will just shut down and dismiss the conversation. I like to discuss things openly, consider things before going ahead wheras he is more of a yes/no well end of story type of person.

He has said he respects my decision and judgement when it comes to our children. I also said I appreciated him being considerate and approaching me and asking first as I know that when they are in his care I can't dictate what he does. It's all a work in progress.

He was asking to take them to her family party which to me is a bit much for a first step?

So as not to massively drip feed we were still sleeping together until 3 weeks ago. Please no judgement, really not ideal I know. The children were obviously not around on at them times and are none the wiser! Probably shouldn't of happened I know. But I think that is also clouding my judgement on the situation and as to how serious this new relationship actually is.

But the rational part of my brain just wants to give my children as much stability as possible. It's really hard navigating this.

I was however not aware of the new partner when that was happening.

How much time is he spending with his own dc? If he sees them less than 50% why js that?

It doesn't sound the ideal introduction scenario - sounds a bit much for the children unless they're very confident socially.

Sounds like he's been merrily having you both on the go on and off.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum
That is a valid point about feeling defensive around their own decisions, hadn't looked at it that way.
Helpful to get others outside of the situations perspective.
He's very much of the mindset my life/my business which fair enough however when you are trying to involve your children within such a quick time frame I feel it does become a bit of my business too as I imagine I'll be the one faced with all the questions, would be more comfortable with a gradual introduction in time rather than throwing them into the family party scenario off the bat.

The added complications between us as adults are just obviously not helping my mindframe around the whole thing if I'm honest.

But I think as a general rule a couple of months, if that is far too soon to be thinking about going down that road.

I'd be doubting she's as new as he claims and suspect she was actually OW, but I suppose that isn't a productive line of thought.

I agree with PP. This is a good possibility.

He was asking to take them to her family party which to me is a bit much for a first step?

Hugely.

So as not to massively drip feed we were still sleeping together until 3 weeks ago.

No judgement but please, you need to stop that for your own mental health.

Just to update,
I put the feelers out with the children, I wasn't sure what to do as if he does go ahead and introduce I'd like them to be slightly prepared, or at least know that mummy/daddy being with new people is an option. Again whether I've done the right thing I'm not sure.

So I asked in conversation how they were feeling about how things are now a little time has passed. Youngest said fine, oldest said ok I guess. When I asked what I guess meant oldest said I hope mummy and daddy get back together.

I asked how they'd feel if mummy/daddy had a new boyfriend/girlfriend in the future, again youngest was fine, oldest said well we would never know everything about the new person because we don't need to.

I'm not really sure what to make of that responce and whether I've done the right thing in trying to raise it gently so they know it's a possibility.
This is new to all of us hard to know what to say and how much to say.

I reassured them that they are the most important people and if they ever had any questions don't be afraid to ask.

This is a tough one. I’ve been the mum who didn’t want her kids to meet ex’s new gf. She broke up our relationship and the thought of her having anything to do with my kids made me feel sick. Eventually she met them twice I think after 6+ months then I don’t know what happened but he has had NC with our kids for 10 years now. I guess after meeting them she decided step parenting wasn’t for her but he also decided he didn’t want them in his life either.
On the other hand I introduced my kids to my current partner early on. I was fine with it, it was sooner than I’d expected but an opportunity arose and I went with it. I suppose tho I saw them as MY kids as their dad hadn’t been on the scene for 8 years by this point so there was no need to consider his feelings.
On the other, other hand, I’ve not been able to meet my fella’s son as the mum hasn’t for whatever reason felt comfortable with it. There hasn’t been tons of opportunity as they live far from me (as does my fella) but dozens of times over the last year or so he’s tried to arrange it but she vetoes it. Now we’re in an unfortunate position as it’s kind of the elephant in the room as he has this lovely relationship with my kids yet i feel like his son is missing out in a way.
So whatever you can work out as a happy medium between the extremes I’ve presented with, go with that. She might be a really nice woman who wants to see him as a the dad he is and be a decent adult in his life.