Living together post marriage split

[Badidea2283]

Myself and DH have agreed our marriage is over but we want to remain friends. I instigated the split and he initially wanted to remain married but now understands this isn't possible.

I have 4 DC. Two older ones with previous DH and two with current DH. Current DH basically is dad to all of them though. We have not told them yet of the split.

I suggested we keep living together as friends "at first". DH seems to have taken it that we will live together forever. I asked what happens if I get a boyfriend, as he said he didn't know if he could face that and it seemed I was stuck not being allowed a new relationship.

He has now asked how I would feel if he got a girlfriend. I said I'm not sure but would probably prefer not to live with him at that point. He then said, so he has to choose between a girlfriend or living with his kids?

Not sure what is best to do. No way I'm moving out though. Majority of house was funded by my previous property, paid for by me, plus obviously not leaving my kids (youngest two are only 10 and 12).

A complication is that I do have someone in mind that I want to start seeing... obviously after a suitable period of time. We are just friends but know we are mad about each other. I'm not at all keen to live with him or anyone again, but would like to openly see him.

Anyway any advice or comments please about living situation?

You can’t keep living in limbo and keeping your kids in the dark. They will need time to process the split and it’s quite selfish of the two of you to start thinking of dating other people before you’ve even told your kids. Make a clean break, sort out your divorce, finances and custody. You may need to sell the house and move out depending on the split of assets. And for goodness sake, don’t introduce any new boyfriend/girlfriend until your kids have settled into the new normal in their new home(s).

So you want to stay as you are and see a new man but you wouldn’t want to continue to live with your STBXH if he got a new GF? Is this not double standards or am I misunderstanding?

I don't think I explained very well.

I don't want to continue living together. It's my DH who wants this. I also do want to start seeing someone but only after some time has passed. Only in a low key way. Not to introduce him to my kids. Just to have something that makes me happy.

I don't know how to get DH to agree to move out as I don't think it's healthy to live together indefinitely. He wants to keep sharing our bed.

Get a lawyer asap, he will be able to negotiate a financial package.

As you’re the one who wants to split I’d say that it’s on you to move out and then sort the finances.
How the previous property was funded is irrelevant - it’s a marital asset now and a split will start at the point of 50/50 asset split and then need to be negotiated from there.

In terms of seeing other people, you’re way too early here, even for a casual fling. Your children don’t even know you’re separating and their parents are still sharing the marital bed.

You need to put a stop to that for starters. Move into the spare room or the couch, be honest with your kids, and that will make it easier to move forward.

And then see a solicitor with regards to starting the divorce.

Probably because he still loves you but you're too busy lasting after someone else. Can you not try counciling before ripping apart this family unit? Also you won't get to keep the house either, it will be split 50/50 unless you had a prenup. That wouldn't be fair to him would it?

I just can't stay with my DH for the sake of the kids or for him. There are issues I haven't gone into here that mean a sexual relationship with him is permanently off the cards for me. I posted about it under another username.

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't lawyer up, kick me out, or force a sale. This house is perfect for the kids and we just moved in 3 months ago. We have some money coming in soon from an inheritance so he should be able to buy another (smaller) house.

We don't have a spare room and the couch is too narrow for me to sleep on, so I'm ordering a chair that turns into a bed for the living room for now.

Dear God woman! You’ve got new man goggles on. End you marriage properly, which will include a financial split. Hopefully the goggles you were wearing when you married your current H , didn’t stop you from ring fencing your financial contribution to your current home.

You H is desperate for the status quo to remain and has only suggested what he suggested because of that. You appear to see it as the least awful solution because you want to fast track the new man. Sort your shit out properly! Remember, that your H and your children have a lot of catching up to do with regards to your marriage ending and your ‘suitable’ timeline for easing the new man into your life, may not be so ‘suitable’ for them.

Thank you. Yes I agree about the goggles. I was equally as stupid and impulsive when I married this DH (and the previous one). So no I didn't ring fence any money. I thought it was together forever.