Marriage wrong or mental health issues?

[Bex77665]

I don't know where to start with this...I'm having serious problems in my marriage and I can't tell what's what anymore as we both have mental health problems (me anxiety, him depression). I think he's got depression anyway - he kind of agrees but won't do anything about it. I think he's got depression as he's tired and miserable all the time, never wants to do anything, is critical of everything I say and in a horrible mood every morning and throughout the day. He says he's like this because we've got two young kids and it's hard...I think he's always been a bit like this and it's just magnified now.

I have a lot of anxiety, general and at the moment also panic attacks. I'm in psychotherapy and very strict with diet and exercise, meditation etc to manage it...but I think the marriage itself is causing me a lot of anxiety at the moment. I have a problem with talking too much about things when I'm anxious and it drives both my mum and husband mad. I try to talk about how I'm feeling but I don't know why I do it because the reaction is always negative. I'm also very analytical and I think analyse the marriage and this drives husband mad, he then pulls away more, which makes me feel more insecure etc it's a vicious cycle. I'm trying hard not to talk about things but sometimes get overwhelmed. I feel like my anxiety irritates him so much, during panic attack I usually go into bedroom by myself but if it means he has to watch the kids for example he's very irritable about it and I wonder if he thinks I'm putting on sometimes. Both my mum and husband have told me I'm selfish and self absorbed as I talk too much about things that I'm anxious about...sometimes I think it's true but also my mums very cold and not good with emotions and husband is similar so wondering if it's more a case they just don't understand or tolerate anxiety.

The issue I have is that my anxiety is so much worse at the moment and I think it's because of the stress of the marriage...I wonder if I improved my anxiety and husband did something about his depression things would improve, or if it's the marriage itself that is making us miserable. I don't feel anxious when I'm with my friends and don't get the feeling that they can't stand me like I do with my husband..but I suppose I don't share as much with them / talk about my worries as much.

This morning it all blew up. Husband does drop offs at nursery, I do pick-ups. I'd forgotten to fill the car up last night / I thought it was his turn as we share a family car so take it in turns filling it up. I'd gotten it wrong and he went crazy at me as he thought I hadn't done it on purpose, I had a day off yesterday so should have done it but my memory is shit at the moment, I'm signed off work for a month for panic attacks. I said sorry straight away but he screamed at me in front of the kids and said it's f**ing ridiculous that I expect him to do it when I was off all day yesterday. I said I agree and I'll do it when you get back as there was still enough to get to nursery and back. Before this happened he was already in a bad mood, he sits at breakfast barely saying a word to anyone then barks orders at the girls impatiently to get ready and wonders why they don't happily comply (they're 2 and 4!). Then every day when I try to say goodbye to them putting them in the car he's grumpy and tells me to hurry up...I just feel like he sets the day off on such a bad tone and it's impossible to not get sucked into as it's projected at me usually.

This is just a long rant...I just don't know what to do. I think I'm probably hard work and winding him up but I also think he loves being miserable and isn't doing anything to change things.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. It appears you have married a man similar to your own cold mother (she is perhaps very fond of your H). Indeed your H and your mother are very much similar in nature; it is THEY who are abusive, cold, selfish and self absorbed.

If your partner is not owning up to their actions, is not admitting to how much they’re hurting you, and is not seeking out professional help, then that’s a sign that your partner isn’t willing to change.
If that’s the case, then the abuse in the relationship tends to continue and escalate over time.

Was your mother similarly "depressed" too and did nothing about it?. Did she take out all of her bad choices and life's mishaps on you also?. Did she (like him now) make you responsible for all of their inherent ills?. He likes having you around in order to abuse you so will not let go of you easily.

His reaction towards you over the petrol is well OTT. Its not you at fault here, its him and I would think your mental health will improve markedly over time when you and he are no longer together 24/7.

Many abusive men further ramp up the power and control against their chosen target when children are born too.

He is abusive towards you and is likely also the main cause of you feeling anxious all the time. He dictates the mood of the house and is also putting his children on edge too; they love him but they certainly do not like him. They act both compliant and subservient around him and watch how you react to him also. Trying to protect them from him whilst you are all under the same roof is an impossible task.

I would urge you to contact Womens Aid and seek legal advice from a local firm of Solicitors.

What is he like around people in the outside world, in particular work colleagues?.

The following questions may help clarify whether what your partner is doing is abuse or abuse with mental illness:

• Does my partner yell or scream at others (friends, coworkers, family members) outside of our relationship?
• Does my partner make others check in to see where they’re at and who they’re with?
• Does my partner hit others outside of our relationship?
• Does my partner minimize or verbally tear down others?
• Does my partner pressure others to do things that they aren’t okay with?
• Does my partner make threats to others when they say something my partner doesn’t agree with?.
• If you answered no to most of the questions, then most likely your partner is abusive without mental illness. If you answered yes to most of the questions, then it’s possible your partner is abusive and also may be experiencing some form of mental health issue or illness. Lundy Bancroft’s book, Should I Stay or Should I Go?, has a chapter on untangling a partner’s mental health issues from abusive behaviours.

@AttilaTheMeerkat the only other person he speaks to like this is his mum. Although he has been spoken to about being overly negative and blunt in meetings at work also. He does complain of being chronically tired to everyone / it’s a running joke with my family members that he’s always tired and he’s known for being quite miserable but not rude to others.

i do think I have a part to play also as I seek too much reassurance and this can be draining. It’s something I’m working on but I know speaking to me like that is unacceptable regardless. I do think he and my mum are similar so definitely some truth in that…they get on great and my mum says I’d be a fool to leave him. I’ve told her about him shouting at me and she says no marriage is perfect and I’m not perfect to live with either. I know this isn’t right as I’d never say that to my own girls

So he is abusive to his mother as well, a woman who he cannot abide either. What if anything do you know about his family background in relation to her relationship with his dad, that often gives clues. He is not willing to address anything and is quite happy to use you as his personal emotional punch bag.

re your comment (that I have separated out)
i do think I have a part to play also as I seek too much reassurance and this can be draining. It’s something I’m working on but I know speaking to me like that is unacceptable regardless.

He is using your anxiety against you here, it is ok to seek reassurance. Indeed he speaking to you like he does (he sees you as his possession) is unacceptable. Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

"I do think he and my mum are similar so definitely some truth in that…they get on great and my mum says I’d be a fool to leave him"

Yep, they are two peas from the same pod; they are indeed very similar to each other. BTW she is wrong and does not have your interests at heart here.

"I’ve told her about him shouting at me and she says no marriage is perfect and I’m not perfect to live with either"

Again she is wrong on all counts here. She really does not have your interests at heart at all; she does not at all want to reflect on her own (abusive) behaviour.

"I know this isn’t right as I’d never say that to my own girls"
Exactly.
Consider also what you want to teach your children about relationships as this is really no relationship model to be showing them.