How did I end up dependent, and now fucked over?

[SquirrelsAreGo]

I cannot, can NOT believe I'm here, writing this.

I'm so angry with myself. I've been in an awful relationship in the past, I've counselled others endlessly on The Script, financial independence, all of it. I know about getting ducks in a row, I know about getting a SHL, but here I am.

I've ended up a sahm despite my best efforts, with 2 teenagers with special needs, completely trapped, burnt out (all these auto immune conditions keep turning up, the doctor thinks its prompted by stress, not just genetics) and now, it's pretty clear, my DH is having some kind of affair. As far as I can know, it's "just" lunch, coffee, emotional affair type shit, but even if it's not (as in more than that, or I'm being paranoid), I've just realised how screwed I am. (I understand that it's easy to shag in broad daylight, btw, but it's all during coffee breaks and lunch hours (she doesn't work with him), so unless they're doing it in the loo of the sushi bar....).

I have literally held on and held on because I've been dealing with each day at a time for years. We're all neurodivergent, and, for those who live it, you'll understand the idea that I've been the one holding everything together, and in the end had to stop work altogether, and now youngest is homeschooling. Which is my worst case scenario, but he is flourishing after being extremely unwell for years. I am a shell of my former self, and cannot imagine ever being a sparkly in interesting person ever again. That doesn't matter right now. I can't imagine every wanting to engage with another man.

Anyway. My brain is all over the place. One minute I'm relieved because it means everything shifts, but then the next I'm frozen in fear. I cannot imagine the impact on the kids, truly. They're both scary clever, and very good bs radar, and struggle with the fact that they're ND and that it has an impact on us as a family. I'm being very truthful here, and you have to trust that I've done everything I can to protect them, but, as I said, they have a 6th sense for emotions etc., which may be the scariest fact of all. I cannot see past the next stage at which at least one of them will react very badly, and be very unwell for a long time.

I suddenly realise how isolated I am, how little autonomy I actually have, and how our life is a pack of cards.

I feel as if I'm about to pull one card loose from the bottom. Suddenly I understand why women put up and shut up. I'm not planning on doing that, but I understand it.

As a couple we're pretty much done, because I cannot feel affectionate about someone who needs so much mothering, and can't support me/I can't lean on. He feels resentful that we can't "just have sex". Having said that, despite my moments of feeling pretty much relieved, I also have moments of ... desolation? We've been together 20 years, and that's not small.

I've no idea what I expect, maybe I sound ridiculous. But I needed to tell someone.

Btw, been here on MN for 17 years, changed names for obv reasons.

Just so sad to read this. A huge virtual hug, if that is ok. I hope others are here with more words of comfort.

Your gut reaction is right on the affair. Are you married ? Have you seen a lawyer?

Thanks @pikkumyy77 - of course that's OK, I don't have anyone in real life to do that so gratefully received.

@CookieDoughKid - I haven't even got that far, I only figured it out on Friday, and it's all been a bit surreal so far. Of course it makes sense to speak to them before I talk to him about it. I'm in denial frankly. Not that it's happened/ might be happening, but given that I'm not sure I have the energy for everyday stuff, this just looks like way too big a problem to even start unpicking.

I hear you. I'm so sorry. I found myself in a fairly similar situation some years ago.

We are all far more vulnerable to this happening to us than anyone feels comfortable acknowledging.

There will be a way through but seek and take all the support you can find, from any source. Just get yourself through this in any way you can. For me, new friends appeared in unexpected ways once I reached out a bit.

What a shit situation. This comes with un mumsnetty hugs. I’m so sorry.

Now… back to real life.

Find a lawyer and go and see them. Knowledge is power in this instance, and you’ll walk away with a reasonably good idea as to what you might get in the event of a split.

I'm so sorry - honestly though, all your knowledge on how this goes down will help.

I held on for an extra year after getting the first inklings, so I could get my ducks in that all important row. I followed grey rock, I did everything I should, and I'm finally out the other end with a signed separation agreement.

Do your level best to keep calm and get organised. I really regret not getting a cash stash built up over that year (actual, hard cash, for emergencies/so I felt secure).

You can do this. There will be a path - but you're going to be angry and it's going to be hard - I started doing long walks where I could get all the angry thinking out of the way (it was too distracting to think about it while driving). So find something where you can have that time to process.

Been here got the t shirt. Made so many mistakes. Huge impact on pre teen eldest. As important if not more is find a family therapist and psychologist for each child. You need your own support too: divorce coach. Someone for practicalities and not a legal bod to make everything ten times more combative. You're dealing with a situation that lawyers don't often fully get. And it made me very very ill. And letting go of overfunctioning had its impact too. It's a slow process and not one you're gojng to get perfectly right bc you can't control him. Do you think he realises the other skde if this? How much unhappiness efc? The other thing I would say is that you choose your route - you may not have a thriving career but you separate your own way. Two yesrs in and we have focussed purely on practical and emotional to the extent we can. And the fall out of all mistakes with kids. You can't make all the decisions up front but you do owe it to yourself and children to start to look after yourself and build up your strength.

He needs to feel the consequences of actions. Perhaps within the safety of a therapy room. But how you both act will define the mental health of your children. And I would say that maintaining a family home at least initially is no bad thing.

As the OP doesn’t seem to suggest this can be a quick split, I would say her finances are not so flush, and can stretch to 2 counsellors and a divorce coach. You’re probably looking at about £4-600 a month for that! Counselling is about £50 a week.

OP, see a solicitor and set up mediation to split. Please be aware, most processes favour ‘clean’ splits now and divide assets, with childcare arrangements and maintenance done separately- however, your H might agree to you staying the property you have and you managing the mortgage. Just don’t go in expecting to retain the property. You may well need to get a job, your child may need to go to school. Sorry, it’s costly and financially impacting to split and there are usually uncomfortable financial decisions to make.

And yes, it’s stressful. Akin to a bereavement. Let friends and family know as you will need support.

First things first, is he actually having an affair or has he found a friend? Particularly in the workforce, women and men can be lunch friends without any intention for an affair. Work can be dull; networking or friendship brings benefits. If he is not, is the relationship worth fighting for? Is the sex aversion insurmountable? Marriage without sex is possible but both have to accept it.

Regarding the kids, they sound vulnerable. What age are they? Perhaps if older (teens), this is the moment to transition them to more independence so you can get a job and more financial independence. If younger, it’ll will need more planning but is possible. Or do they reach a threshold of care where you might claim benefits as a carer?

Being able to support oneself is so important in most cases - even if it’s part-time and could be scaled up.

Good luck OP.

So sorry to hear you are in this situation, and I totally relate.

We are a family of four, all neurodiverse, I was a sahm for years up until a few months ago when I got a job. Both children are very emotionally sensitive and have struggled over the years.

I too am holding everything together and have barely any autonomy. DH and I are just functioning - over the last year I have occasionally tried to hug or kiss him, and he just looks uncomfortable and moves away. I don't know if he's having an emotional affair with anyone, but I wouldn't be surprised.

I have always been the one to help DH with his problems and support him emotionally, whilst getting very little in return. Now I'm not doing that anymore I think he's stopped loving me, as that was my "function" for him.

I feel trapped and stuck and have no idea how I can possibly get out of this situation but feel like I am slowly withering away.

The thought of separating, of forcing the dc to leave the nice home they love, to go to and from two different houses which would be much smaller and less comfortable - it breaks my heart and I don't know how they'd cope with the family unit being broken up.

So yes, I too understand why women put up and shut up. I wish I had some answers for you, but all I can do is say I really empathise!

given that I'm not sure I have the energy for everyday stuff, this just looks like way too big a problem to even start unpicking. I understand that. I also have Autistic DC and chronic illnesses. Stbxh is emotionally abusive. It took me years to get to the point I could tell him I was done. I kept waiting to be in a better place, have some energy and mental space to deal with it. Felt impossible to find the energy to deal with it all. Never got to a point I had the energy to deal with, but I did get to the point I couldn't cope with him anymore. Now we're in the middle of it and wish so much I'd done it sooner. Whatever the outcome I wish you all the best, you've got a lot on your plate to deal with.

@SquirrelsAreGo how are you now? I am in exactly your situation, I have gradually backed off my career to support 3 DC (one of whom has an illness and needs lots of care) and run a house with a totally hands off DH. I had to carry the load that he couldn’t. The kids are getting older and maturing, but DH needs near constant mothering. I was working full time 5 years ago but developed a nasty autoimmune disease and spent time in ICU at my worst…. I really believe it was stress. After 20 years of marriage I’ve come to the end of my tether, I’m a miserable shell of the person I used to be. I don’t want to carry the load every weekend as he sleeps off his hangover until late afternoon for 2 more decades. But financially I feel fucked. I don’t want to disrupt the DCs. Did you get out?