hi I am posting for support really, as I know my marriage is over. I think (!)
I have posted before etc. I haven't name chnaged, nothing to hide. I'm just a damaged person. I have held no boundaries etc I await therapy - I have done CBT and counselling - I need something deeper and have been assessed etc. I guess the wait will be long.
H and I married nearly 8 years together for 10. He was my first love age 16 to 19 (am now 50).
During the 25 years in between I was with my DS's (13 and 14) father who was and is financially, emotionally, psychologically abusive. Escalated when pregnant and thereafter. Left with my DC and suitcases. We weren't married so I started from nothing again.
H and I got together again, he was tender, loving, supportive and attractive.
Since we got married we have had a tumultuous time, he is a drinker and it has sometimes been way too much. Other times less, or sober.
We both had awful childhoods and prone to anxiety and low mood but support each other and have a lot of laughs.
DS1 has OCD and low mood. He has lost a lot of weight and it is heartbreaking. We have CAMHS at the side but he can't engage with any therapy at the moment.
DS2 awaits autism assessment. He is clearly PDA and needs intense support from me and will accept only me.
3 months ago they both decided to not be in touch with their father as he is awful to them. They have just had enough. Ex is furious keeps messaging me to "arrange for them to speak to him" .
Last few years been v difficult. 2020-21 H had 1.5 years off work with back pain.
I worked in NHS through covid but for last 2.5 years been bullied by my manager; my mental health is gone. I have needed some flexibility and work have paid lipservice but not been supprtive. Manager bullied me before but having fibromyalgia and 2 needy kids has given him even more power over me. I have given notice (finish end Dec). No job secured but I will get a job and if not I can do nursing shlfts.
2022 I had a few weeks off diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. This summer I had another month off with anxiety about manager and as I say, am holding on by a thread it feels like. Am back at work.
January 2023 FIL died. H grieving and took about 5 months off work so again at home all the time. Drinking in the evenings. On occasion becomes argumentative, bordering on abusive. He loves film and TV but us either at work or in the living room. The DC feel like they can't use it. H just says "yes come in you pick the TV" but then huffs and sighs when they want to watch young people stuff. And may also be drunk and crappy. They are both sensitive and can't be bothered with this.
H inherited a tidy non life changing sum. He took us on a holiday of his choice which was extremely hard on me because of looking after the DC. But we sort of had a good time. He spent some on himself, gave me a small amount as a gift, paid of all his debt bar mortgage (which is joint).
The rest he has made arrangments to max his pension with and as a result feels a bit poorer month to month but has a nest egg and a bigger pension pot. He did not discuss this with me and I only know because I asked.
For the first 6 years I earned more even though I had (and have) unsecured debt as a result of ex- behaviour and then having to start with nothing. Because I earned more I covered food and household things but we split the bills. He didn't have much spare money (after alcohol supplies purchased). I paid for days out and modest holidays.
H has been contributing to food, 25% of the month's cost (less really, given the price rises and top up shops) for a few months.
He has now decided this is too much as he "doesn't eat much". Also the food he likes is not always in the fridge. Also when I make dinner after work and trying to care for DC it gets late and he is hungry so he'd rather sort himself out.
He also said he has been going to work hungry on an afternoon shift and that's not OK. I know, I know.
SInce he made this decision he's still asked if he can share meals I have cooked, taken food as usual from the kitchen etc. I have said that's not what he set out as the new arrangement and that I do not want to be the food police or live like students. He just shrugs. Eats DC ice cream.
This evening I had made chicken for me and DS2. DS1 doesn't always eat which is such a big worry. I had no idea when or when H had or would eat. H went out and got chinese. So, not money saving. And this is one thing we can always tempt DS1 with, and H just fucked off out, got himself Chinese and a second bottle of wine. Sat in the living room watching TV with his wine and his takeaway. I went in (to my own living room!) and soon came out, because he is so self righteous/drunk/unpleasant. He told me he was annoyed I had made chicken and "left him out" even though that is exactly what he said he wanted.
I have told him any number of times that the drunken verbal abuse is not acceptable and warned him that it will be a deal breaker. I have tried to be understanding about his bereavement and that the DSs significant and different needs are very difficult and would impact any marriage. But now, the deal is broken.
We barely have sex (his choice - he says not his "choice" - that he just doesn't always (ever) think about it and/or the kids are always here. But prior to the last few weeks they were at their father's regularly and it was the same. We have talked about it many many times. He says he'll make more effort and doesn't. I accept that this is how he wants it to be.
He lacks motivation - I have to chase up DIY type jobs he has planned. He promised to build a shed to allow the garage he monopolises to be a second sitting space but just hasn't. He won't, I know that now.
Financially we both earn OK - he now has no debt payments and has savings. I am still servicing debt and trying to overpay it and get rid of it. No surplus cash month to month. No savings. And after new year, no job! We have no family backup really. He can expect another inheritance, I cannot.
I paid deposit and legal fees on this house purchase. We have both spent money on improvements.
So how do I get him to go? He will make a fuss and say it is half his house and he has nowhere to go. He phsyically will not leave and be here with his drunk negative presence and be angry if I ask him to move rooms or whatever. Also snores - unbelievably loud and drunken moving in his sleep. I asked him to trial a CPAP and then he missed the return date for the rental period and so bought it and now is angry with me for "wasting money".
HOW DO WOMEN GET THIS SORTED??
I can't buy him out of the house.
I can't remove him.
I can't afford this house alone.
I have looked at rentals and the prices!
I could move with DC to some remote place and tell no-one where we live....
ah! it is illuminating to type this all out. I would be so grateful if anyone can help me see a way out. It's the finances really. Also his drunk presence is unacceptable for me and the DC especially and I am feeling increasingly anxious (and angry).