My mum smokes, so I don't want her handling DS - how to deal with this

[hatesmoking]

I am an ex smoker, and smokers hate ex smokers - I did. I gave up when I found out I was pregnant. My mum has wanted to give up for years and I hoped that me being pregnant would provide some incentive - to be here for her grandchild - but she has not been able to.

I'm a bit pissed off because I know she can do it, I've given her the Allen Carr book and CD and she says she doesn't have time to read it - she is scared of giving up, despite seeing me and my partner go from 20 a day to zero without any withdrawal effects or weight gain (other than preg ) and seen the money we've saved etc etc.

So, she still smokes. A while ago I asked that she wait after having a cigarette before she holds him because it smells quite strongly at first. She was obviously very embarrassed when I asked this but agreed.

But the last time I saw her she came in and said 'I've had a fag but also just had a load of mints so I'm okay' and picked up my baby.

It's awful that I felt I couldn't answer back because then I would be making a big issue out of it - but mints do fuck all! And it's not her breath I'm worried about but the smoke on her clothes and hair.

Smokers don't know what it smells like, I didn't until I stopped, I've tried to explain this but it gets hushed over because she is clearly embarrassed - because she knows how awful it is I suppose

WWYD?

I think it is a fact that after having a cigarette you are exhaling toxic chemicals for the next 90 minutes? Perhaps tell her that. Sympathy to you though, I'm allergic to cigarettes so I really hate them!

Um, the smell won't do your baby any harm so don't worry from that POV. But I can understand that you dislike it - I would too, there's just something about protecting your baby from anything unpleasant.

Hmm. Suspect all you can do is sit her down and explain all over again, very patiently that you'd prefer it if she could wait a while after having a fag before holding the baby.

Really, 90 minutes? Didn't realise it was that long. She will be so disgusted with herself though. There was a thread not long ago about a mother who smoked and also breastfed and I think I remember reading that the general consensus was that this was better than not breastfeeding, but that the mother should wait at least 20 minutes before feeding her baby.

I wish I was allergic then she would have no choice.

But I also feel deeply sorry for her. Now I've stopped I see what slavery it is and feel embarrassed at my past behaviour and how I could barely go a couple of hours without a cigarette. It's an awful way to live really.

Her husband (remarried 10 years ago) hates smoking and if 15 years of badgering her about it has made no difference I am not sure that my child will

Sorry, see where you are coming from, but think a bit unreasonable. It won't harm the baby - having no contact with gran will tho.

You are really going to hurt her if you say anything and really in the scheme of things, its not going to harm.

My mum smoked with all mine - I must admit it didn't bother me.

All the cleaning chemicals in your home give out toxic substances, though, as do new carpets and air fresheners. I really wouldn't panic about the health consequences for your ds. I'd worry more about trying to get across to your mum that you just don't like it and it would be nice if she could respect your views.

Smoke is a massive risk factor in SIDS though and I am already very, very paranoid about this - which she knows.

I wouldn't dream of depriving her - or him - of contact with one another. I would love for them to have a good relationship - all of my grandparents died while I was very young and I'm sad that I never had that influence in my life - I am not about to tell her she can't see him! I just don't know how to talk about it without it being a huge deal. And I shouldn't have to, she knows smoking is harmful.

Although ideally she wouldn't smoke, it's OK that she smokes and then handles your baby. It would be unreasonable for her to smoke in the same room - but she's doing what she can.

I don't think it's a good idea to not let her handle your ds. People have to give up of their own accord. Some are more strongly motivated than others. I gave up because I was bored of having to buy them, and was thinking of having a baby. My dh still smokes outside the house - despite having 2 dds.

By the way, I still love the smell of booze and fags because it reminds me of my dad's hugs!

smoking is recognised as a major risk factor in cot death. Our HV recommended that a baby not be anywhere near someone who has smoked in the previous couple of hours. I checked this up with a paediatrician who concurred.

Smokers around babies should a) have not smoked for a couple of hours and b) not be wearing smoke drenched clothes. It is not the smell which matters, it is the toxins and tiny particles.

Your mum is being unreasonable if she cannot understand this. Unless she is bumping into you by pure chance, she CAN plan her smoking around her visits. I know of many grand parents who have given up smoking or, at very least, heavily modified their their habits, because of a new baby.

I am no smoking nazi but around babies and their very young and immature organs, I see no reason to be anything other than very strict.

sorry

With something as precious as your baby you're bound to want to take every precaution you can imagine. It's right and neccesary that you feel like this. It's built into us to protect the young.

To be honest though I don't believe a word of the toxic chemicals exhaled by smokers and so on. There are very real concerns about smoking for the smoker. I also wouldn't want to smoke in an enclosed space with a baby - just to be on the safe side.

For the rest I think the whole anti smoking thing has taken on a life of it's own with more and more scare stories - so of course you worry. But if it were really as bad as that all kids would have to be kept at home in case they passed someone who has once smoked.

I'd keep to the 'no smoking around the baby' rule - just in case, but I'm afraid you can't expect others to change their lifestyles and many couldn't even if they wanted to.

the link between smoking and cot death is to do with parents smoking around the child day in day out, nothing to do with a Granny smoking BEFORE she comes in the house. It really is alarmist and untrue to claim that a grandmother who smokes away from the baby has any relevance to cot death.

It may not be nice, but please don't get carried away.

It sounds like you need to explain to your mother that she is still exhaling harmful fumes for a long time after she smokes. A lot of smokers are not aware of that fact - and she clearly isn't.

You're not being unreasonable to ask her not to smoke for a time before she comes around, but don't panic unduly. You have a right to protect your baby as you see best. Talk to her about it, explain that it's something that worries you and you're not having a go at her, you just need her support.

you don't likeit, it's YOUR baby, tell her she stinks and PUT MY BABY DOWN!!!!

Tell me hatesmoking how will it work when you go round to your mother's? Does she smoke in her own home?

TBH I think your mum would be much happier if she managed to give up. Your attitude - firm but supportive - may help give her another boost to stop. The best thing is for her to go to the local stop smoking services who should offer a way of stopping that will suit her lifestyle (Allen Carr may have worked for you but may not work for her). And it's free. Giving up on your own is very hard; with support it's much easier. And the professionals will also give ACCURATE advice about the health risks to her, and to those around her.

Can anyone link to the information that says it is harmful if a smoker holds a baby straight after smoking? My dd's godfather is a smoker and I really hate it when he comes inside stinking of cigarettes and picks her up. It would be great to be able to send him some relevant info so he knows it is harmful and stops.

Bessie, it was in my bookelt from the maternity ward when I left hospital, said that smoke stays in the lungs so on the breath and on the clothes for at least 20 minutes after smoker has a cigarette, maybe ask your hospital?

www.tommys.org/dr_media/tommys/Health_smoking_07-Mar-08.pdf Fact 7 on page one mentions it.
Also says here that it can take an hour to stop breathing toxic fumes.

I think you have a great opportunity here to give your Mum added incentive to want to give up.
Whilst the smell is unpleasant, it is not harmful, but there is evidence that children of smokers -whether they smoke around the children or not-have a higher incidence of developing asthma.
I don't know that any studies have been done on less close relatives but if your Mum is planning on frequent contact with your baby that would be the same thing. Infrequent contact is probably irrelevant.
Your baby, your choice.
With my FIL-he was a pipe smoker and whilst I didn't like the smell, I allowed him to hold the DDs as babies as he saw the only once a year(lived in another country when they were babies).

Arrange for a lunch just you and your mother, and talk to her about your concerns. Although I would not compare how you and your husband gave up smoking with how and when she should give it up.

It is like losing weight, just because some people find it easy to lose weight doesn't mean that everyone else should find it easy.

I am personally a total anti-smoker, but I accept that my children's nana is a smoker and finds it too hard to quit, because she is from a generation where they did not know any better.

She is kind enough though to never smoke inside the house when they babysit the children. She always goes outside to smoke. The only place she smokes in their house is in the kitchen with the door closed.

Try to reach a compromise, but please don't underestimate how hard it would be for her to quit.

Neither of these places seem likely to have done medical research so it makes it as conclusive as saying "I heard down tescos that smokers give off fumes that kill you" Just because it's on the net doesn't make it true.

The anti smoking PDF just says holding a baby can reduce oxygen levels and it's right in a way as I will explain.

All humans breathe out poison day and night. The main one being carbon dioxide. This substance in great enough quantities will be fatal. Holding a baby close means that they are breathing your exhaled breath and therefore oxygen levels are slighty lower.

Since people are also covered in microscopic germs and viruses it's bad for your health to let anyone get closer than 10ft at any time.