Controlling Ex Boyfriend

[xNorthEast]

Hi there

Wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation to what I'm about to post and how was it resolved.

Just to outline I'm male

I'm good friends with a female who has been single for 2 years now and lives alone with her son - previous to this she was in a long term relationship with him for 12 years - the son is to someone else prior to the relationship with him.

Since she's been single ( her friends are v pleased that he's no longer her boyfriend)and wanting to get on with her life, yet her ex has constantly been monitoring her WhatsApp activity and if she's on he wants to know who she's talking to etc - if we start chatting on WhatsApp it's straight to text as she doesn't want him to see her online status.

She's also on Tinder looking for a relationship as she wants companionship etc

Also he still has on his Facebook status that he's engaged to her and made her do the same with her status.

He's always calling around unannounced and telling her how much he loves her, also calls her to say he loves her and ends texts with a Xxx - she - has told him numerous times that it has to stop and to the point she's had stand up arguments in the street to tell him this.

It came to ahead last week when she called me up to say that we'd have to stop texting for good as he's gone through her messages on her mobile and saw our text exchanges(nothing serious, just about work, family, a little bit if flirting but that's about it) he then came on the phone and threatened me with violence, saying he knew who I was and where I lived etc (he doesn't) and that she is "going to pay for every text that she has sent me.

Seems like she was forced in to telling me to stop texting.

From the very early conversations I had with her she was very reluctant to admit she was single and seemed very afraid to say so.

Since then I've been blocked on WhatsApp and I presume mobile/text and have no way of contacting her - I do know where she lives but I'm reluctant to call around as he could be there and secondly I don't wish to make matters worse for her.

I've lost a very good friend - I know from past conversations she doesn't have many as I presume he's alienating her.

So my question is has anyone been in a similar situation and how was it overcome?

Should I just let our friendship go or wait a few weeks and tentatively try to get in touch?

Have any other females been in a similar situation as my friend and at the time would they have welcomed some contact or is no contact exactly that?

Thanks for reading this.

It's a hard one as she is being alienated but equally if you message her he could seriously hurt her. Have you contacted a domestic violence charity? They will know how to best support her. Everything would point towards phoning the police but there might be other steps they recommend before calling the police

Hi,

Thanks for the reply.

I spoke to Refuge last week and they said to leave her, but in their website it says if people are been alienated then reassure them that help is there.

So what is it?

Leave her alone or reassure her help is available which I can't do if I have to leave her alone.

For the record they live apart - I've thought of going through a friend of hers just to get in touch with her to see how things are etc

Also re the police, Refuge mentioned that they could do a welfare check but if the police did that then she would know it's come from me and I could seriously undermine any trust she has in me by informing them

She is perfectly able to block him on her SM, it's not difficult.

There is that option but that's easier said than done if she's scared of him or wary of what might happen to her.

Please don't leave her to be browbeaten into taking him back. He's abusive, controlling and damaging. He wants to remove anyone from her life who could help her defend herself. Don't abandon her to his clutches.

Please try to get in contact with her. Explain to her that this is harassment and abusive control.

She can contact the police and report him for this - he's an ex! There's NO way he should be reading her phone messages and threatening her (and you).

Hi

Many thanks for the reply.

I'm kind of leaning towards waiting a few weeks for things to die down then will attempt contact, though I'm not sure how as of yet - just when she said no contact though I suspect that's him telling her to say that.

I'll see how this thread goes as I'm looking for peoples experiences with this sort of thing.

To say I've had some sleepless nights over this is an understatement...

Sounds like they're back together, and there's not a lot you can do in the circumstances. It often takes many attempts for someone to leave their abuser. and if he's had this kind of control over her while they're "split up" it wouldn't be a surprise that she'd end up going back.

If you are worried about her safety, then ask for the welfare check and take the risk that she will no longer confide in you. Better she doesn't trust you than you discover later on she's imprisoned in her own home or dead.

I had thought that they could be back together, but from all of our conversations she was adamant she'd never go back to him.

If she was back with him then just say so instead of calling me and panicking about him reading the messages

She's probably ashamed / afraid to tell people.

Anyway, I'm struggling to see much difference between her being controlled by him while saying she's not in a relationship with him, and her being controlled by him and being in a relationship with him. He's round all the time, he takes over her phone to threaten you, he dictates who she speaks to. The difference is pretty much semantics.

I should clarify the 'round all the time' bit - it was previously, but not for some time now.

Apart from when he takes her phone off her to threaten you?

Oh I forgot to mention that I have a girlfriend who’s going through stage 4 cancer who didn’t know about this secret friendship!