TLDR- I feel empty, lost and bewildered. My life has not turned out like I hoped and I know it's my fault. I had a series of awful relationships with men but some amazing friends around me who kept me sane. I was desperate for a family, to settle down, so when I fell pregnant in a new relationship I was so happy! The man did not want the baby but I did. We split but I chased him with the idea of a family being so important to me, he was awful to me, cheated, lied, but we are still together years later. He didn't like my friends, so I stopped seeing them, he didn't like me going out so I stopped going and now I feel so alone. He has tried over many years to make up for not wanting the baby but it's not even that which bothers me, I feel like I lost myself in a fight to have a family, to be a good wife, to keep the peace. I fight for what I believe, so we are far from harmonious and I am ill, stuck between a family I wanted and a life I had hoped for. Family life is hard and I envy the people who maintained independence in a relationship, who don't live in each others pockets for every element of life. I'm sure I've lost my friends, and I'm not sure how to make more when I can't go anywhere or do anything that is not family orientated. I let my friends down, I don't reply to texts, I'm just so tired all the time, I don't know what I want to get from this, just feels nice to express it. thank you for reading if you did.