How did you feel when your abuser found someone else?

[beigevase]

Did you feel hurt? Relieved? Wondering what she has that you didn't?

Exh has been using the manipulation tactic of he will find someone else if I don't take him back. I'm not going to take him back. So he will find someone else.

As much as it's manipulation, it's also true. He has no choice in his mind. He cannot be alone. He has lost everything and is currently living with his mum who he cannot stand. He needs someone else. He will worm his way in to her home. This is what he did with me but I was completely oblivious and vulnerable. I can see it all now.

Regardless he will somehow find ways to rub it in my face. He is blocked on everything but as we have a DS, I can't have him completely out of my life. He will want to introduce her straight away etc etc.

So how do I deal with this?

I don't love him. I know i don't. It's a trauma bond

You use that ultimatum as confirmation that it's all control and manipulation strategies in order to keep hold of you for his own benefit and not yours. That if he was genuine he wouldn't say that nor would he move on and replace you.

If you look at it from another perspective, someone who abuses and toys the emotions of others is heavily compensating for something lacking in themselves. That if he does happen to find someone else, it still won't be genuine, he will never understand a true connection. A sad existence under a guise of superiority and success but underneath, a failure. The exact thing they run from.

You however can move on and perhaps find someone who will treat you better, something he won't achieve. You break that bond by seeing it for what it is and not the lie that's been sold and understand you win by thriving and that's what they don't want and ultimately how they lose.

That's kinda what I'm telling myself anyway each time I wobble.

You identify each feeling as you feel it, just recognise the trauma bond, process and move on.

Mine has found someone else, and my feelings were initially relief, then I felt unsettled for a few hours. Now I'm back to being bloody relieved again.

He's not my problem any more.

This is great advice. Just feel what you feel, be compassionate with yourself about how difficult it all is and your tolerance for dealing with your emotional experience will increase day after day as the bond will drop off.

One thing I noticed was that anger is a very important protective emotion against abuse. Two people I know who have significant trauma bonds also have significant difficulty allowing themselves to experience any anger and their bond has been maintained with the narcissist.

I was worried for her. She actually wrote to me asking about some behaviours that concerned her. I replied truthfully, but without emotion. She married him and regretted it.

He's now married to someone who has children and I really, really worry for them. I don’t know where they live now though. His mother told me about the new wife.

The first girlfriend my abuser had after me was a 16yr old girl (he was ten years older than that). I was terrified for her.
I hadn't told anyone about the abuse but went to see her dad, that we both knew well. As soon as I broached the subject of his daughter he said "If it's about X hitting you, I already know". Apparently it was common knowledge.
Luckily the 16yr old was more savvy than me and dumped him when he became "too controlling".
The girlfriend after that (that he is now married to) is physically an identikit of me (height, hair color and length, same build) despite him spending years saying how disgusting I looked like and how lucky I was to have him because no one would want a fat heifer like me. I just thought it was bizarre.

Thank you for the replies.

I think for me - if I was meeting him for the first time now I would run a mile. I've done loads of therapy and courses on self esteem etc and I'm doing a group freedom course this week.

He has 3 kids to 3 different women
Failed marriage
In debt up to his eyeballs
Gambling addict - recently relapsed
No where to live with zero belongings

And that's the facts before you get to know him.

He's not exactly a catch. But instead of sorting himself out he will find someone else to take him on. It doesn't help that woman love him either. He has the charm, looks etc.

I just know I will compare myself to her. I can see it coming

Honestly he told me he was going to find someone else or go online dating or sleep with someone he met in the pub if I didn't do XYZ.

Unfortunately he was already sleeping with at least 2 other women so his threats were irrelevant.

Yeah I think this too. This taken me 2 years to fully leave him. When I first left him, he found a new 'friend' straight away. That's all she was apparently but he was sleeping with her. Trauma bond brought me back.

I'm convinced he's at least speaking to other woman too. I blocked him on everything but before I did, he had a couple of new female friends on his Facebook. Not from our area but close enough. He couldn't explain how they were there....then changed it so no one could see his friend list 🙄

What a lovely husband I have lol

I would imagine him at his worst.

Does he talk to other women, yes, does he chat other women up, yes.

Has he slept with other women, probably.

Until you get to the point where he could be sleeping with twenty women a day and not car, know that this man will never change, he will never be right for you and you need to keep away from him.
He's a wrong un.

Be at peace that he's a complete waste of your time, he doesn't deserve your time, company or future.

Do not be blackmailed by his threat of going with someone else.

Hello 😊 first of all, well done for getting out of an abusive relationship!

Its mixed emotions when they move on..freedom because they leave you alone, relief because they've got something else to focus on that's not you, some kind of weird sadness because you're so easily replaceable to them, anger because they just get to waltz into a happy new relationship after the pain they caused.

If the relationship lasts more than a couple of months then there's also some guilt..guilt that the poor woman could potentially go through what you did. Weird sadness again at this point because you wonder if he's treating her better and if he is, what does she have that you don't. Weird feelings around the woman being introduced to her, but if the kids are positive about her that's much easier to swallow. But I promise you, all them mixed emotions will be overshadowed by happiness & relief. You got away from it all and he's not your problem anymore. Parenting with them is tough, especially if they like the control but you got this. My inbox is open if you need a chat x

Oooooo lots and lots of very conflicting things, it’s difficult at first but I’ve trained my brain; and it’s a daily battle sometimes to just not put any thought into it.

In the beginning relief, then sadness as how easy it was after he used to tell me he’d die for me, there will never be another, then relief again as it means he’s left me alone. She is kind and is taking care of my daughter when he has his contact days; which is difficult but she is at least safe with her around.

I’m not going to lie it was difficult to begin with but I’m glad now as he or her problem. She has taken on and had a baby with a man who was given no contact for years with his daughter at court. She was around the whole time to hear what he did so she is a fool.(probably manipulated and lied to, or perhaps she thinks she can save him, who knows)

Keep going with your therapy and I'm delighted you're doing the Freedom course. You aren't out of the woods yet if you're aware of who he's adding on FB. Keep going.

I was relieved

Took the focus off me and my DD and I worried a lot less about him finding us and being violent.

He put stuff on Facebook which I looked at and cried a bit but I know he's not capable of a real relationship.

That was weeks ago. I've since blocked him on everyone and I don't have a clue what he's doing now

Thanks so much for your post. That's all really helpful and I appreciate you reaching out with your inbox.

I think I just wonder if she will be able to fix him. Put him in his place. Have that thing that I've tried to do for 7 years but failed. Realistically I know it won't happen. He's in his 40's now and had countless relationships. Obviously he saw something different in me....blah blah blah. But I know that was vulnerability and the fact I'm a people pleaser. That's what he saw.

I do like the feeling of him not being my problem anymore. I know he really won't be when he finds someone else. Which he says he will have done by Xmas so....we will see.