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Original poster

Fwb advice

25 replies

BananaSlug · 09/10/2023 16:39

For certain reasons I’ve been celibate for 7 years 😣 I am not a sexual and I do miss sex but my situation means dating and meeting someone is impossible (lone parent) I am not into friends with benefits so have been avoiding those types of situation as had them in the past but never really enjoyed it (I prefer sex in a relationship) but am I cutting off my nose basically? Has anyone had a fwb even though it’s not their kind of thing? In the past I’ve usually developed feelings and it hasn’t been reciprocated so what’s the best way to avoid it but also not feel like a Fbuddy?

OP posts:
Ianz · 09/10/2023 21:02

The main thing is to set boundaries really. If that's all you want from the person you need to make it clear from the get go. When you speak, how you speak, when to meet etc. You would more than likely want to do connect with the person, however, my advice would be avoid anything that's romantic. You can still go out for a meal, breakfast, brunch etc but try and keep it to a minimum interaction.

StarlightLady · 10/10/2023 06:17

OP, only you will understand your wants and needs. Yes, it is possible to have a relationship under the terms you state, but no, that is not for everyone.

So, if you do decide to go down the friendship route and want checks and balances, l would suggest the best way forward is to have 2 simultaneous friendships.

Before l get MNetters shoot me down in flames, l am not suggesting any deceit with either of them.

Zanatdy · 10/10/2023 06:22

I didn’t have sex for a decade when I was in similar situation, yes I missed it but I don’t like casual sex personally, and I know I’d get too involved feelings wise. I just waited for my kids to grow up and not need a babysitter anymore

Thereasonidid · 10/10/2023 06:38

I'm currently in a FWB situation that feels like a relationship. We chat multiple times throughout the day, share each others lives, do life admin for each other, go out to the cinema, restaurants, fun days out etc. We're off on holiday for a few days together later in the year.

He's not met my children and unlikely to ever do so. I've met some of his friends, he's met some of mine.

I set out at the start wanting a relationship, but as time went on I realised i didn't have feelings for him. We spoke, and he didn't have feelings for me. We agreed neither of us saw it going anywhere, but we enjoyed each others company, enjoyed the sex and enjoyed the companionship, so we decided to turn it into FWB. We both know that the other has still got an eye open for someone long term. It's working for us for now and feels pretty ideal tbh.

So it can work out. Why not give it a try and see what happens?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/10/2023 07:43

This is a tricky one

us single mums arnt available literally !
so we can easily end up in situationship with emotionally unavailable men

I did find one , he lives 30 mins away and the sex was great
It was an escape

but I’ve come to realise he has some major issues himself and he’s not able to resolve them

But really maybe what you need is a casual relationship with someone who has similar issues

either way it’s NOT hard to find people

And despite all the negativity about men on this board I’ve met some nice men and ive
learnt so much

ill be shot down for this , but get your glam on . Approaching this when you have nice profile pics , you feel good about yourself , your in decent shape - it’s a confidence booster

Original poster
BananaSlug · 10/10/2023 11:21

Zanatdy · 10/10/2023 06:22

I didn’t have sex for a decade when I was in similar situation, yes I missed it but I don’t like casual sex personally, and I know I’d get too involved feelings wise. I just waited for my kids to grow up and not need a babysitter anymore

Neither do I but I don’t think I can wait another 4/5 years 🫣 I have a high sex drive so this amount of time has been extremely difficult anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
BananaSlug · 10/10/2023 11:24

Thanks all some good advice, don’t think I could see more than one man I think that would get too complicated. Just a good friends that can help with my needs. Where is best to look just regular dating sites? Don’t want to use any “special sites”. But also don’t want to put it on my profile.

OP posts:
Ianz · 10/10/2023 11:31

BananaSlug · 10/10/2023 11:24

Thanks all some good advice, don’t think I could see more than one man I think that would get too complicated. Just a good friends that can help with my needs. Where is best to look just regular dating sites? Don’t want to use any “special sites”. But also don’t want to put it on my profile.

It's always a good start to go through the list of your friends that you have first and see if you fancy any of them and if you think their lifestyle could allow for you to be fwb rather than just friends and just start it off in a really subtle way to gauge their interest.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 10/10/2023 11:35

No there is no one I know now that I would consider asking.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 10/10/2023 11:38

Just put 'want to date but nothing serious'. There are loads of men who put that. However, you will find that most in this situation are probably seeing others too and are after short flings rather than a continuous thing. A lot will also be attached, so there is probably a lot of weeding out of that pool you need to do before you get to what suits your needs.

PansyPolly · 10/10/2023 11:38

Op

are you happy if your FWB is in a primary (but honestly open) relationship with someone else?

Original poster
BananaSlug · 10/10/2023 11:43

Yes I’m ok with them seeing other people just not someone in a relationship.

Want to date but nothing serious sounds good, just didn’t want to put up that im looking for a fwb on my profile as wouldn’t want anyone irl that recognises me to know that!

OP posts:
SamW98 · 10/10/2023 11:45

Totally get where you’re coming from OP. I’ve been single and celibate for over 3 years and the lack of sex is driving me mad. I’m very sexual in a relationship and I miss the physical side more than anything else.
But I have to have a connection to sleep with someone. The thought of casual sex leaves me cold - I’ve tried OLD and also met a couple of guys in the wild so to speak but no sparks with any of them.

Its a real dilemma

Original poster
BananaSlug · 10/10/2023 11:52

SamW98 · 10/10/2023 11:45

Totally get where you’re coming from OP. I’ve been single and celibate for over 3 years and the lack of sex is driving me mad. I’m very sexual in a relationship and I miss the physical side more than anything else.
But I have to have a connection to sleep with someone. The thought of casual sex leaves me cold - I’ve tried OLD and also met a couple of guys in the wild so to speak but no sparks with any of them.

Its a real dilemma

Thanks it’s good to hear it’s not just me! Was starting to feel like the only one who misses sex. I haven’t had sex since I was 28 and I’m turning 35 this week I never thought it would be this long, but the thought of not having sex again until 40 I don’t really want to do that if I’m honest 😣 I do prefer sex in relationship and casual sex isn’t for me but I think I would prefer that than nothing at all.

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 10/10/2023 13:43

OP, l hope things go well and you meet someone on the same page that can address your needs. There is nothing wrong with having sex with a good friend.

Remember to take care, there are lovely people out there but there are also weirdos.

Final health related words from me, Condom, condom, condom! x

JerkintheMerkin · 10/10/2023 14:49

Watching with interest as have exactly the same dilemma. I can't think of one good friend I'd ever consider having sex with never mind a stranger.

Ianz · 10/10/2023 15:02

I feel like there is a demand in here and I might set up a website of FWB !

EBearhug · 10/10/2023 15:24

I can do casual sex, but it's better with someone you have some connection to. If you do have a friend you can ask, it's not always the solution, as they can turn out to be not great in bed. (Others turn out to be awesome, though!) I would go on OLD - Tinder, Bumble, okcupid all worked for me. You'll get loads who you don't want to go out with after chatting and others won't make it past a first meeting - I think you need to expect that, that it is partly a numbers game.

While it's fine to say on your profile you don't want anything serious, I wouldn't go into more detail there, but wait till you're talking.

Maze76 · 10/10/2023 15:38

As others have said, OLD is the best option. When you sign up and build your profile you are free to be as detailed as you wish. I have had a couple of casual relationships through the sites and I’m currently in a FWB.
I say just give it a go.. good luck

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/10/2023 22:08

Just use normal sites , tinder hinge bumble etc

keep the profile bright and breezy
no need to share what you are looking for immediately

there is no shortage but FILTER

Original poster
BananaSlug · 10/10/2023 22:54

Thanks all yeah tinder is the way to go I think, I heard most men are only looking for that on apps anyway so shouldn’t be too hard!

OP posts:
Confusedscottishdad · 10/10/2023 23:12

Hi all, new here.

While I’m still married the relationship is now more platonic than physical, we have had sex about 4 times in the last 2 years and despite a number of attempts by myself to rekindle the physical her constant rejection has destroyed the marriage.

My wife has told me that she doesn’t want me to leave and also wouldn’t be able to cope without me but I’m 43 years old I don’t think it’s possible to stay monogamous without the physical.

i have often considered the fwb route but not many want to be “the other woman”

EBearhug · 11/10/2023 01:05

i have often considered the fwb route but not many want to be “the other woman”

No, they don't. Fortunately, there are plenty of single men out there, so we don't have to bother with men who won't leave their relationships they say aren't satisfactory.

There are also plenty of married men on OLD, so if someone were prepared to be the other woman, she could afford to be really picky about it.

Confusedscottishdad · 11/10/2023 01:18

I guess that’s the thing, there are plenty of single men and women out there.

I’m certainly not looking for any kind of sympathy for being in an unsatisfactory relationship, it’s our choice to stay.

Thereasonidid · 11/10/2023 06:12

Talk to your wife @Confusedscottishdad about how you're feeling. If she is no longer willing to have sex with you, see if she consents to an open marriage.

If she doesn't then you have 3 choices. Leave her, cheat on her or stay without complaint in a sexless marriage. Give up trying to get things going again if she's made it clear she's done with sex. Only you know what sort of person you are as to the choice you will make.

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