Why do I struggle to apologise..

[tigereyes10]

Hello! I've been thinking alot about this recently, been googling and trying to be better but it's difficult so wondered if anyone was similar / has advice.

I am a people pleaser in every day life (at work, with family/friends) I don't like saying no, I apologise too often for things that I don't even need to apologise for, let things that annoy me slide and just generally want people to like me.
However, at home with my partner..I really struggle to apologise during/after conflict and I definitely have no trouble letting him know when he's annoyed me. After nearly three years together he's obviously noticed this and he made a comment last time we argued that I rarely apologise / don't apologise first. I didn't agree at the time but when I've sat and reflected - I actually find it really hard to say a genuine sorry to him, it's like I want to remain the winner of the argument which I know is stupid and wrong. I don't understand why because I apologize so freely to everyone else. We don't argue a lot and have an amazing relationship, but I do recognise that I need to change this behaviour and it would make arguments end much quicker if I stopped being so stubborn in them moments! Sometimes I feel sorry, yet can't seem to admit it!? The last time we argued, I said something I didn't mean and instantly apologized, it felt refreshing, my partner appreciated it & conflict was over so quickly. I guess I'm just wondering why it doesn't come naturally to me!? I read on Google it could be linked to having low self worth, and admitting fault is hard on a fragile ego..which could be true as I don't have very high self worth or esteem. Is anyone else the same?! Google threw the word narsisist around very freely and I really don't think I am one! 😳

When I first got together with DH he never/rarely apologised. In his case, it seemed to be due to two things.

Firstly, learned behaviour from his mum who NEVER apologises. Even if she's very clearly in the wrong she'll find a way to make excuses for her behaviour. Pointing this out really helped DH to make a change, as he didn't want to go down the same path!

Secondly, the meaning of the apology seemed to be important. To me, saying sorry can mean "I'm sad that this happened between us" rather than admitting that it was all my fault. Whereas to him, it used to mean that he was taking full responsibility for the argument, which meant that he rarely apologised as it's usually not entirely one person who is to blame.

He made a real effort to change this, and now he is much much better at it.

Perhaps you don't feel the need to apologise because you have nothing to apologise for.

it would make arguments end much quicker if I stopped being so stubborn in them moments!

Why doesn't he apologise then?

I'm not saying he's right or you're wrong or vise versa, but the situation really isn't that clear and should be examined on a case by case basis.

The last time we argued, I said something I didn't mean and instantly apologized, it felt refreshing, my partner appreciated it & conflict was over so quickly.

This proves you are capable of apologising to him, but there's a weird undertone here. The conflict was only over because you apologised? You're the only one responsible for arguments?

I think both of them reasons resonate with me too tbh! My mum isn't one to apologise..neither was my abusive ex husband who I was with for 10 years! I don't want to be like either of them. The second point you made, about not wanting to admit full fault - that's probably a lot of the issue. Although sometimes he will apologise for his part of the argument, and I still struggle to apologise for mine! Even when I know I've played a part in how things escalate. It's just I find the words hard, and often get emotional when I do apologise. It's very strange! I wish he could hear what's going on inside my head..because I am sorry 😂 it's just some kind of pride thing maybe that I can't get it out..

Sometimes I don't feel like I have anything to apologise for, as in I didn't cause anything or do anything wrong to begin with..but I'm an adult and I know I need to apologise for my behaviour, tone, delivery and words during the argument. But I still find that hard. He apologises easily, genuinely & usually first..he hates conflict and I know if I got better at my end of apologising things would resolve much quicker. The conflict was over quickly in my example because in a 'normal' argument he would've apologised for his part and I would remain stubborn and not let it go or say sorry for my part which drags it out. But he'd apologised, I then apologised straight away and it was done. I just don't seem to have a very healthy argument style. Im not sure if I'm even making sense! X