How do I stop feeling like this???

[Lorzzz]

Hi all. This is LONG but Just looking for a piece of advice please as I’m still really struggling to get over breaking up my marriage. Bit of back story. Met my exh over 20 years ago, fell pregnant within a few months. He was a nice guy, wouldn’t have been who I’d pick to spend the rest of my life with, and im sure he wouldn’t have picked me either! Anyway we made a go of it. Had 2 beautiful and such good kind children. Age 20 and 12 now. Im so proud of them and how they’ve turned out. The marriage wasn’t a brilliant one but we stuck together and made a home for the kids. To be honest I didn’t find him attractive and im sure he didn’t find me attractive either because in all the 20 years I’ve never had a compliment from him, even on my wedding day. He was a cold person and belittled me and was never affectionate towards me. He would normally turn his back on me in bed unless he was looking for s*x and then if I didn’t feel like it there was something wrong with me. After 20 years of this my confidence and self worth were on the floor. I have been on anti depressant tablets for years as I was so unhappy, I hated where we lived but my ex wouldn’t hear about moving because he was happy. I cried and begged him for years to make a new start somewhere else but I was just put down and called a psycho or told nothing would ever make me happy. Basically ignored time and time again. I was always a happy person who had loads of friends but the last few years especially I was like a shell of myself, constantly on edge. I have to point out there were times he was good and we did have good times together. I was very close to his family and his relatives as they are a very tight knit crowd who live in one another’s pockets. I put on a brave face for years. Not even my closest friends knew how unhappy I really was. His family knew how odd and moody he was at the time but deny it all now. Anyway towards the end of 2020 I got extremely depressed. Not sure of it was Covid or if it was menopause starting as I was in my early 40s at this stage. I had lost my mom first and then my dad within a couple of years and I felt like I had no one to turn to. My mom and dad were my rocks and without them I felt I had no one. I know I’m probably going to be slated for this but please bare in mind nobody knows anyone else’s circumstances, I started talking with an ex that I hadn’t seen since before I met my husband. it was just as friends catching up on everything that had happened over the years. Speaking to him made me realize that I deserved to be treated with kindness and that I wasn’t stupid. I eventually found the courage to tell my ex I wanted to separate. He took it really badly. Sadness at first and begging me not to break up the family and then anger. Treating me like a prisoner in my own home. All the while my friend was there to support me through it. I’m rambling on a bit but basically I’m now in a relationship with this friend for a couple of years now. We are happy. I love him and he is extremely kind and respectful of me. My kids like him. My exh is also in a new relationship but I just can’t get over the hurt I caused him! When I think back on it I still feel like crying for causing someone I spent 20 years with so much hurt. Part of me would probably go back for my kids as I feel so bad for breaking up the “family” I don’t know what is wrong with me and why I still feel like this??? Everyone I was close to seems to have disappeared. his family and friends of mine. It’s like they don’t believe I was as unhappy and that I just got up one morning and decided to leave my husband which couldn’t be further from the truth! I feel such guilt even the girls I work with don’t know about my new relationship because I don’t want to be judged. They all believe in marriage being forever and unless you’re being physically abused you should stay put. I feel like the worst person in the world and I can’t shake off the feeling that people are talking about me behind my back. Even my own family who have been very supportive of me. I’ve tried counseling on numerous occasions but nothing works to get me to stop feeling this way. I want to shout from the rooftops that I has a miserable life but I won’t think anyone would listen to be honest. Everyone thinks my ex is so nice. Can anyone help me or advise me on how to move forward. I want to be happy and live a happy life. Thanks if you’ve read this far! X

You sound pretty traumatised OP, all I can suggest is going to the GP to explore therapies/medication other than just counselling?

Perhaps try something like CBT? It sounds like obsessive/intrusive thoughts so I would look into what might help with that outside of counselling. I think your grief over your parents might be part of why it's so powerful for you.

At the end of the day, your ex has moved on and is happy. That's a win for him. Your children are presumably adapting to the new situation and happy? You have moved on and are happy (apart from your guilt/paranoia over the affair/emotional affair).

I would tell your colleagues that you're in a newish relationship and they'll be pleased for you. Fudge when it started. Then at least you can talk about your life more normally at work instead of acting like your partner's a terrible secret to hide.

Try to start building yourself a new social circle. Reach out to old friends in case you're assuming stuff out of your own paranoia and not out of reality.

It doesn't matter what other people think, if everyone's happy as you say now, why would spend so much time ruminating over this.

Does it matter whether you are viewed as the victim or the purpitrator, so long as you and the children are happy now, that's all that matters. Ex has a new partner, as for the inlaws, who cares, you know they are never really going to like you for instigating a spilt with their granchildren being involved.

You can't control everything, you can't control what people think of you and of the situation, and you can't make everyone like you.

Try to let it go.

There’s quite a lot to unpick in your post. What exactly is upsetting you? Is it just that you don’t feel believed? Why does this matter so much to you? Especially if you don’t speak to these people. Why do you say you would return to not split up the family.

Is upsetting him the main reason for you being so upset? Or is it the fact friends and his family are no longer there for you? Are you having doubts about leaving your ex as you see your kids less? Are you unhappy because you betrayed yourself by cheating and you became the bad guy?

I think you need to get to the root cause of your issue. Why did you stay for 20 years if it was so bad with him, you say your parents were supportive, why didn’t you leave him with their support?

you don’t need to answer these questions op. But you need to think about your whys? You need to work the root cause(s) of your upset.

Thanks everyone for replying and offering advice I really appreciate it xx @236Adf i can’t put my finger on why I’m still so upset. I think it’s a mixture of not being in the family unit anymore and seeing my ex hurt back then affects me in a way it shouldn’t because he was not upset over having hurt me with his behaviors all those years. The reason I stayed in the marriage was because I didn’t have the confidence to leave. My kids were younger and I thought it would affect them badly if I did. I knew it was the right thing to do because I knew deep down my ex was very unhappy too. Why would he treat me like he did if he wasn’t? I tried to get him to admit how unhappy he was on numerous occasions but he dismissed all my questions and acted like I was “losing it”. I also didn’t leave because I didn’t want to cause upset to my parents because I never told anyone the extent of my unhappiness. Maybe staying that long was the wrong thing to do as it’s causing me so much pain now but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing. I find that some people are still very judgemental about marriages breaking up when there are kids involved especially when there are new partners involved also and I can’t bare for anyone to think of me as a bad person because I genuinely am not. I see my kids less and it’s awful but I do believe I’m a happier and better mom because of the split. My youngest little girl asked me one day a long time ago when I was still with my ex (on a good day) why I was happy that day and that stuck in my mind always. It must have been so miserable for them as I was always miserable but thought I was trying my best for them and putting on a brave face. And even in spite of all that if they told me they missed me and their dad living together I would seriously consider going back as I would rather see them happy than myself. I know I seriously need to move on and start making a life for myself and I worry too much, always have done since I was a child, about what people think of my actions. I hate to hurt anyone. You are right there has to be a root cause for this but all the counseling I’ve had has never helped me get to the bottom of it.

Okay so from that you mention not being seen as a bad person/how others think of you a few times. Why not explore this initially. I’m not saying it the answer or the cause but explore it.

Why do you need external validation? Do you understand that not everyone can like you? If everyone liked you you couldn’t be authentic you would be twisting yourself to fit other people - you would be a bit like a pretzel 😝.
What does it mean for someone not to like you? Why does it bother you? In your past where does this come from?
Write for 10 mins (no stopping or thinking) about it in a piece of paper - do it when you wake up tomorrow. Can you get anything from it?

There’s some amazing books out there. I do a subscription to blink and it give short blinks on books. I got a years subscription in Black Fridays sale it was about £15 for the year. I’ve come up with so many new thoughts and I ‘read’ books that I would never have read as it takes 10 mins. If I like the blink I read the book too.

Have you watched Brene brown on YouTube - shame - watch her ted talk.

Also mark Manson - the subtle art of not giving a fuck. Both Brene and Mark are on Netflix and YouTube.
I get Mark Manson weekly newsletter via email - it’s thought provoking. I don’t agree with everything he comes out with but that’s okay too.

Another favourite book it’s love yourself like your life depends on it by Kalil Ravikant - it may help ground you if you start over thinking .

@236Adf thank you so much for all that information. I’ll look into it all x