If there is no abuse or affairs, how do you know when it’s over?

[Marmaladedreams]

DH and I have been trying to work on our marriage for about 2 years now. We’ve tried counselling, weekends away etc etc but nothing seems to be improving. I fear we’re just incompatible (we married young, now late thirties with 3 kids). He doesn’t seem to ‘get’ me and and I know he feels the same way, though on paper we have lots in common. We just don’t seem to connect or love each other anymore, physical side is non existent.
How did others know when it was over? We just seem to make each other miserable, it feels like it will never end and I’m worried I’m getting depressed.

Could you try a trial separation for a couple of months, to see if that helps confirm the decision?

It sounds like you both know it’s over. I’m sorry. But best to agree an amicable separation now before depression and resentment make the whole process harder.

You don't have to have a big moment to know that it's over.

Everything you wrote above is everything you need to know that it is over.

All you need to do is say it.

I always want people to think of it like this:

The before: unhappy
The during the split: hard
The after: happy (eventually)

Obviously that is a huge simplification and not true in every circumstance. But still seems applicable in the majority of cases I've ever seen.

And that being said - why stay longer in the unhappy bit, when you could spend more of your short life on this planet in the happier bit?

Thanks all. I guess maybe my question is, when do you just stop trying?

I mean, I want to move to the ‘happy’ bit but keep hoping that’s some version of staying together…

Is the "trying" you're currently doing effective?

I knew it was over when I no longer found him attractive, the thought of sleeping with him made me feel repulsed, everything he did started to annoy me 😬. We grew apart, he was much older than me and there was just no excitement, we wanted different things, I had ambitions and he had none. Leaving was the best thing I ever did.

Sometimes it seems like we’re getting somewhere, and then we just go back to square one again. I am losing hope of anything changing - or changing enough

A trial separation could be a good idea.

When the house feels lighter when they're not there.

@Millybob oh dear I think I’ve reached that point. He was away for a few days and everything felt lighter and calmer…

Do you have a common/shared vision of what this marriage looks like if it's working for you both? Do you have your own vision?

Are either achievable, even in a slow way? (most big changes are long journeys of two steps forward/one step back). Can you both see that path and what needs to be done?

Is it genuinely back to square one and what causes that?

What skills were developed or patterns changed through the counselling work? What outcomes are you still using?

Don't feel you need to post answers, but I suppose I'm asking whether there are routes forward as a couple with time and consistency/commitment.

Or whether you have exhausted what's possible.

@user1846385927482658 these are great questions, thank you!

For me it was when I just didn't like him anymore. I used to dread seeing his car in the drive knowing he had come home early. We had nothing in common any more, rarely talked, slept in separate rooms.

I did find it harder to separate from him as there was no abuse or affairs, I just didn't want to be with him anymore.
With my first husband he had an affair, so for me that was easier to split.