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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finances & household my responsibility.

28 replies

Sorrowfulsoul · 09/10/2023 10:54

My partner was covering the rent until June and he then ran out of savings and said to me since I return back to work from my 1 year mat I need to cover it July onwards and it’s only for a couple of months until he finds a job.

Now we are in October.

  • I pay the rent (£800)
  • I pay the bills
  • I pay for anything we need at home
  • I pay for family days out
  • I pay for anything for our 1 year old
  • I do all the chores
  • I work from home and take care of our baby at the same time. (my partner supported taking care of him for maybe a month in total of me returning to work now he sleeps and I work and manage our baby)
  • I cook dinner

I found him a job at my workplace he was on the ball with it but he did not pass probation that was for 2 weeks he was at the job. He isn’t even looking for a job? I am applying for the jobs for him and when he gets calls he doesn’t answer them saying he won’t get the job anyway.
he then lied to me 2 days ago and said he has been applying and looking on indeed but I am logged into his indeed as I am applying for them for him and checked and nothing has been applied to other than what I applied for. I struggle everyday and at the end of the month to make ends meet so my little one gets the best. I struggle to manage my job and am not doing the best at it as I’m also looking after the baby whilst working and he does not share the burden of anything and he says this is down to me because in other aspects of our relationship (communication) I don’t fulfill him. I struggle to communicate about my feelings as I feel like I get shut down or feel stupid I’ve had a tough life so I’m still living with the affects of things that have happened to me. But I told him just because I struggle with communication and can be snappy and angry does not mean I’m left doing EVERYTHING. Am I wrong?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 09/10/2023 10:58

Kick his lazy arse out the door and change the locks.

Original poster
Sorrowfulsoul · 09/10/2023 11:03

Also my landlord has now handed a notice to end the tenancy and I’ve had a look at new places to live and everything is much more expensive and idk how I will afford it on my income and he has no concerns hasn’t even spoken to me about how we will afford it or he hasn’t even said he will try whatever possible to find a job just nothing

OP posts:
Olika · 09/10/2023 11:15

I am so sorry to hear of this situation. So your partner actually does nothing but sleeps. I wouldn't be able to continue being with him. Tell him to sort himself out asap or he is not moving to any new place.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 09/10/2023 11:16

Why are you with him? What does he actually bring to your life?

Ladyj84 · 09/10/2023 11:18

Well he is enjoying a dandy life because of you. Clearly wasn't bothered getting a job even when he had savings so you wouldn't get me moving house with him

Rainbowqueeen · 09/10/2023 11:20

You would be better off on your own. Less work to do and more income. You would be entitled to some top up benefits, possibly child care hours and he would have to maintenance.
Speak to womens aid about entitlements and your local HA about rentals.

This man is not worthy of you or your DC

Docke · 09/10/2023 11:27

OP, surely you can see this is a ridiculous situation?

It’s not normal for a grown man to choose to be unemployed and have his girlfriend foot every bill.

Why are you with him? He sounds awful. He’s making a fool out of you and your child is growing up in a bad environment.

Mrsm010918 · 09/10/2023 11:29

Well when you move, leave him behind.

He is not a partner in your home, he is a drain on it.

Thebigblueballoon · 09/10/2023 11:34

So he does… nothing. Nada? Zero? Zilch? And he’s in no hurry to change the situation because… well, why would he?
Can appreciate why you’re worried about the increasing rent OP, but at least when you kick his sorry arse out you won’t have to pay for his food and other expenses. His existence in your life is pointless.
Give him an ultimatum if you want, but I’d personally have lost all attraction for him months ago.

anywherehollie · 09/10/2023 11:37

This is insane! How do you even have sex with a man like that? So, so off putting and gross. Kick him out, you would be better off.

Pacificisolated · 09/10/2023 11:38

The end of your tenancy is a perfect opportunity to move on. Rent a smaller place in just your name and don’t give him a key. He’s not adding anything to your life and you’re losing out on all the financial benefits of being a sole parent.

Highandlows · 09/10/2023 11:55

Did you knew he was such a catch before all of this? If he goes is a less expense on your household so may be worth getting ride off him if he does not get his act together.

Original poster
Sorrowfulsoul · 09/10/2023 22:23

I mean I’ve been threw a lot of trauma which shut off my communication in terms of I struggle to speak about how I’m feeling whether that’s anxiety or overthinking etc so I tend to blow up when we argue as it’s all the exhaustion from the chores and being burnt out and also financial burden and work and everything with no support and he says to me because I can’t give him the communication aspect of it he doesn’t see anything wrong with him not giving me this aspect of things and whatever because at the end of the day it’s still unfair to have someone pay the rent, bills, grocery, chores, look for jobs for you, look after the baby and work at the same time. Have the stress of finding a new place to live. Today I woke up at 7am. Started work at 9am and finished at 10pm so did overtime so I can try make ends meet. And he watched the baby for part the day and played PlayStation. He says in his previous relationships he stepped up and funded everything because he had the communication aspect of it but when I really do try communicate things are misinterpreted. Like for example we were having a conversation and I said to him I understand no one else would care about our son like you, I mean they wouldn’t care if I left him with the neighbour. I was explaining how me and him want the same things for our son whereas someone else wouldn’t and recently he mentioned that this comment was too specific and I must have cheated? Like what the fuck is even the point in me saying anything. I have never cheated on this man, I have not even led a man on. There has been a time at the beginning of our relationship I spoke to my ex in a platonic way because he was doing shit with his ex and then this other time after he broke up with me because I caught him speaking to a ex of his and flirting with her and then she laughed at me for carrying his child etc and so I must have just spoken to a old friend of mine and just was telling him how I’m pregnant and about my partner etc it was the 1 time and when me and my partner got back together he saw this and when he did I told him honestly but other than that nothing. Whereas we have had issues with him and girls always only this last year we haven’t aside from him downloading his ex’s text screenshots on his phone from a iCloud.

OP posts:
shoeawsome · 10/10/2023 14:23

Honestly you are wasting your breath!

Stop jumping to his tune!

What does he mean he would go to work if you improved your communication style? You must be able to see that this is unreasonable?

Check what you would be entitled to as a single parent, you would be entitled I am sure to some help with childcare so that you can work properly without the stress of juggling both!

Find a place to live for you & your baby & leave him to it!

SpringleDingle · 10/10/2023 14:34

Stop being a doormat and ditch this cock-lodger. He doesn't respect you, respect yourself!

SecondUsername4me · 10/10/2023 14:38

Why are you even trying to fix him? He is a waste of space.

Find yourself a little flat to rent with the baby, move. Put in a claim for benefits, and start looking for paid childcare (lone parents can get up to 80% of the bill paid).

Put in a CMS claim once your ex is back at work.

What is the point of being with him?

CiderJolly · 10/10/2023 14:40

Actions tell you all you need to know about a person. This ‘man’ doesn’t care about you or the baby, he is content to watch you work yourself into to the ground and he doesn’t care that the baby has a normal life and stability.

People like this don’t change- he is abusive.

Thank your lucky stars the rental agreement is coming to an end. Like a previous poster said- find somewhere you can afford and apply for UC to help with the bills.

CiderJolly · 10/10/2023 14:40

And leave the bloke behind.

Bananalanacake · 10/10/2023 18:24

Did he work when you met, why did he lose his job

excelledyourself · 10/10/2023 18:33

Please get rid of him. He is only impacting you negatively, and is literally of no use to you or your child.

He is not a good person.

Please realise that you and your child are worth so much more!

Farmersswife · 10/10/2023 19:24

You’d be so much better off emotionally & financially by being on your own. Apply to the council for housing help. Put a CMS claim in & leave his sorry ass!

can you go to a cafe so you can work & he can look after the baby! It’s his baby too he sounds like a lazy ass!

Tangelablue · 10/10/2023 19:54

You can communicate till the cows come home he will just find another reason to blame not working on. Does he go through your phone?

category12 · 10/10/2023 20:57

You need to be careful you don't lose your own job trying to look after the baby and WFH.

Original poster
Sorrowfulsoul · 10/10/2023 21:28

This is my biggest concern. I struggle to get things complete and I’m a manager in my role so I tend to end up missing stuff or things not being done on time because I end up forgetting with all the pressure of everything else.

I also ended up misplacing his necklace that’s £400 he had a go at me over it recently. And said I need to find it because he had a dream I gave it to someone else? Wtf? I find it absolutely bizarre I’ve gifted this guy with expensive stuff as he has me but my gifts are more expensive for him and he thinks I would need to steal a fucking £400 necklace and give it to someone? Firstly I’m not like that and secondly he said if I don’t find this chain it will arise questions within our relationship and he will take back everything he ever got me if me and him end which he can because things don’t matter to me but I just find it all bizarre.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sorrowfulsoul · 10/10/2023 21:30

He does go through my phone. I thought he didn’t but I posted things on peanut like my issues with him etc and he got annoyed and said I posted on there saying I’m in a Domestic abusive relationship and I lied and he is not abusive etc and made me delete all my posts on there

OP posts: