How do I get that spark back

[febbabies2023]

I've been with DP for 9.5years
2 kids - 3 and 7m old
Not married and own our home

He's been off with me recently so I was worried something was up

Went through his phone and found a search that he did two weeks ago where he basically said he was frustrated in the lack of sex and was thinking of leaving me.

I don't blame him, we haven't had sex in 6 weeks or so and since having the kids my confidence and sex drive are at an all time low. I can't even look at myself in the mirror naked let alone let someone touch me.

Also because I know how long it's been also makes me feel more pressure and then I just recoil even more and I don't know what to do.

How can we get this spark back? How can I just get over this fear or whatever it is

He's a good man, he works hard, he's great with the kids and we've always had a great relationship. Since having kids it's obviously had it's challenges but I'm not sure that I'm ready to let it go.

Are you breast feeding ?
Do you get out and do anything without the kids ?
Does he do his share of housework and childcare ?

Not breastfeeding, no
It's not often we get out together without the kids at the moment - the 3 year old is struggling with some separation anxiety from his dad and no one wants to have the baby for some reason! (She's an angel so no idea why)
We have got a mini break in December just us two though
Yeah he's great with the kids - will quite often take them out on a Saturday or Sunday for me to have a few hours. Housework not so much, but I'll take the load on that where I'm on mat leave and the 3yr old goes to nursery 3 days a week

Anyone 😣

I think it’s time to sit and have an honest conversation. You need to hear how he feels and he needs to hear how you feel.

Instead of focusing on sex work on rebuilding the intimacy - cuddles, time together. It’s so hard when you have little ones but better to address it head on than let it fester.

Do a date night at home! Put the kids to bed. Cook a lovely meal, let other half know he is appreciated. I think if you take a moment to do something kind even though I know you will be knackered etc, it will help to bring you closer. You’re a team. It doesn’t have to lead to anything. Just focus on you for an evening as best you can - fingers crossed the kids to bed nicely for you so you can relax and have a laugh - together .

Am I getting this right. He's threatening to leave you as he hasn't had sex in six weeks and you have a 7 month old?

@febbabies2023. How old are you both, are you happy with your relationship apart from the physical side of things and do you generally feel supported and that you work as a team?

He hasn’t threatened anything, OP found an internet search suggesting he was unhappy and thinking of leaving over lack of sex.

We do this. We write a menu go shopping for it, get dressed up, Light candles at the table, make 3 courses from scratch together during the day put on some background music we even have a dance in the front room sometimes after dinner. One of my favourite date day and night. This all started in lockdown as we couldn't go out. So much fun.

Does it make much difference? I don't think it changes the fact that he's feeling that way after just 6 weeks, nor that this feeling can't have been hinted at or shared which is a separate concern. It's escalated in his mind from frustration to considering severe response without a word.

Conversation is necessary, it's also tricky due to how it's been discovered. OP needs to approach this very carefully to avoid creating a second problem around trust :-s

I'm 29 and he's nearly 34
I thought other than the intimacy side of things, it was pretty good! We're generally a team, he's a great dad - he plays with the kids he gets up in the mornings with them when he's there he gets up in the night with them so can't fault it.
Of course it's more difficult to spend any time together since having the second baby but it is what it is right?!

@SofiYol yes this is exactly it. No @OliviaBean he hasn't threatened to walk out because I won't put out. I'm assuming that he's unhappy with the lack of sex in the relationship and it's something that's important to him so he's trying to figure out if he still wants to be in the relationship. And you say 'only 6 weeks' but then it's like one time and then another 5 week wait or whatever. It's not something that's happened overnight.

@spookehtooth just to clarify I wasn't looking for messages from OW or anything I trust him implicitly with that. He's an overthinker and likes to know stuff so it's the kind of thing he'd do. Googling for solutions and advice I mean. Although ot course it's not something I intend on mentioning to him

@febbabies2023 I didn't mean to suggest you had, sorry. He wouldn't know that, which is what makes it tricky if it was shared. Other people only know our physical actions. They have to trust when it comes to intent, motivation etc.

Even if not mentioned, the timing of bringing up the subject might prompt him to wonder. Hopefully not, it's just worth bearing in mind when working out how to address it. I could be overthinking it myself, it wouldn't be a surprise if I am, it's just what comes to mind