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Original poster

Is this normal for a long relationship

14 replies

Kaylaax · 09/10/2023 09:26

Been with my fiancé for 6 years. We welcomed our first child 2 years ago and I don’t know if that’s a factor because our son is our priority, date nights etc go on the back burner.

I just feel like I don’t want to say lack of love. But basically that

Hes never been someone who shows affection doesn’t give random hugs and kisses and I don’t know if times just went on and I wish he did

I don’t know if I’m just analysing everything and wishing I had someone more affectionate ?

I just want some affection

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 09/10/2023 09:32

So he wasn’t affectionate before the baby, and still isn’t now, but you want affection ?
If you give him affection, does he give it back or brush you off ?

Original poster
Kaylaax · 09/10/2023 09:40

@DustyLee123 he was more than he is now but I mean more he’s never been overly affectionate

Hes kind of receptive. He just says “you know I don’t like cuddling” etc. I don’t know if after years I’m just starting to feel a bit lonely regarding the lack of

but he was a bit more affectionate pre baby I’d say

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 09/10/2023 09:42

So basically you’re not compatible, and want something more.

RushinBushin · 09/10/2023 09:44

I think this is something you need to discuss with him. As the less physically affectionate partner in my relationship, I've been on the receiving end of this conversation. As we age, our needs change. We get distracted (toddlers are a big distraction!) and have other things to focus on so if affection isn't a Need it doesn't take the fore. That doesn't mean that we don't want to meet our partners halfway - he may just not have realised that it's an issue. My partner approaches me, says 'I need cuddles.' And gets them. Otherwise he probably never would! But no, not unreasonable at all (and also normal after a baby) to want more affection.

nancypowers1983 · 09/10/2023 09:45

It sounds like the relationship needs some love. Perhaps some couples counselling might be worth a try as it would let you both address your relationship in a safe, non judgemental way. You could address each others' love languages and look at how best to communicate with each other on what you both need.
Currently it sounds like you are both kind of playing house with a mum, a dad, a baby and a house. But without the strong marriage/relationship) to back it up it is going to be really hard. So make it easier on yourselves and talk about what is going on for you- in a non confrontational or accusatory way- and go from there.

Original poster
Kaylaax · 09/10/2023 10:12

Thanks for the tips. I don’t know if I’m feeling a bit needy/wanting more affection because I’m aware how we are just kind of mum and dad at the moment, and I love being a mum

i just don’t feel like much of a couple

Now regarding dates he has suggested some but I don’t really like leaving our toddler which makes dates difficult

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 09/10/2023 10:24

So by suggesting dates he’s trying to make this better, but you’re saying no. Find someone you trust and go out with him!

mummymeister · 09/10/2023 10:26

long term relationships with small kids take time and effort. its up to both of you to make that time, get in a babysitter, do something like a special meal when your child is in bed etc. relationships on the whole are bloody hard work and its easy to forget that when you are working hard elsewhere.

WtP · 09/10/2023 16:55

OK I'll admit I'm struggling with this!

But how do people have a relationship without affection/intimacy?
I'm 58 & my girlfriend 54 we just couldn't imagine life without loving intimacy. Perhaps it's as we lost both of our partners 5 years ago & crave that skin on skin desire & connection.

Noicant · 09/10/2023 17:15

You feel rejected because he’s not affectionate he probably feels rejected because you turn down his date night suggestions. One of you needs to say yes to something.

Mines 4 and we have zero childcare, our date night is a bottle of wine and a movie on Friday and we are happy. BUT the first few years were hard and we were constantly in parenting mode, if you both make a little effort just to let the other know you still care you can make it through it to the other end.

HappyAsASandboy · 09/10/2023 17:28

RushinBushin · 09/10/2023 09:44

I think this is something you need to discuss with him. As the less physically affectionate partner in my relationship, I've been on the receiving end of this conversation. As we age, our needs change. We get distracted (toddlers are a big distraction!) and have other things to focus on so if affection isn't a Need it doesn't take the fore. That doesn't mean that we don't want to meet our partners halfway - he may just not have realised that it's an issue. My partner approaches me, says 'I need cuddles.' And gets them. Otherwise he probably never would! But no, not unreasonable at all (and also normal after a baby) to want more affection.

The problem with this is that a cuddle doesn't mean much when it has to be asked for.

I have a DH who doesn't hug me when I'm upset. Doesn't touch me "just because" we're standing close, doesn't hold my hand when we're walking. I used to just laugh it off and put his arm around me, take his hand, ask for a hug, but now I knee deep (and the rest) in parenting and considering their every emotion alllllll the time, I really don't have the patience for helping my DH to hug me.

When I do "ask" for casual physical intimacy like hand holding, hugs etc, and tbh even if he thinks of it himself and stiffly offers me a hug, it feels false and strange. I want spontaneous, natural, intuitive intimacy and it is increasingly lonely living with someone who can't offer that.

I totally get that I am the one who has changed. I used to be able to compensate for the differing love languages, but now I spend so much of myself giving love to small people, I just don't have it in me to "manage" this aspect of my marriage. I want someone who speaks my love language and therefore makes me (and me them) feel a million dollars by being themselves.

WtP · 09/10/2023 19:21

@HappyAsASandboy
The problem with this is that a cuddle doesn't mean much when it has to be asked for.

I find that such a sad quote 😢

HappyAsASandboy · 09/10/2023 19:41

WtP · 09/10/2023 19:21

@HappyAsASandboy
The problem with this is that a cuddle doesn't mean much when it has to be asked for.

I find that such a sad quote 😢

It is overwhelmingly sad. But it's also true. A hug is a deep human connection, and that connection doesn't feel real if you have to instigate it both sides of it Sad

WtP · 09/10/2023 20:23

HappyAsASandboy · 09/10/2023 19:41

It is overwhelmingly sad. But it's also true. A hug is a deep human connection, and that connection doesn't feel real if you have to instigate it both sides of it Sad

Show quote history

Like I said I find that so sad, I must be lucky as I've never been in a relationship where a hug or a cuddle isn't instigated by both people.

I will go to bed happy in the knowledge I only ever felt love for my partner and sad for those that have never known true love 😢

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