How to be better with people? Not silent and awkward

[Muteie]

I struggle to show my personality to others, when I’m alone I can be totally myself but find myself being very closed and silent and surface level with others, I have two best friends one who I can mostly be myself with but the other I still find myself often very silent around and not knowing what to say. I’m so awkward around new people, my eldest child has recently started school and I’m worried I’m making myself look awful to the school mums like some sort of weirdo. It’s just so awkward. I’ve always struggled here, I remember a friend in colleges boyfriend told me I don’t have a personality and didn’t understand why she was friends with me, he decided he hated me and basically went off about this with every member of that group about how he can’t bare me being around I’m just soulless. I fully believed it and have spent years and years wondering how to get a personality before finally learning that it was more anxiety than me being a horrifically bland person. I just want to stop really, people aren’t likely to like me like this so what’s the harm in being more out there? There’s just this mental block and I find nothing coming out just silence.

Ask open questions. Focus more on others and less on yourself.

Have you had therapy OP? Counselling could support you to explore this. You will only overcome it once you get to the root of the issue.

It's great that you have 2 best friends, especially one you can be yourself with.
l'm guessing you trust her and feel she won't judge you. I would build on that and maybe open up to her about your shyness around others. I also think counselling would benefit you and help you unpick the underlying reasons why you feel you can't show your personality to others. You may be a natural introvert, but counselling could still help you to understand why you feel anxiety in social situations and hopefully how to manage this better.

Asking people questions about themselves is the way forward- when I realised this it was a game changer! People love to talk about themselves. Or about their DC, or about the school in general. Also, complimenting someone on something they’re wearing is a great opening line. Or complimenting their DC!

The next step is remembering something about them next time you see them and mentioning it. It does get easier, sometimes you just need to plaster on a smile and fake it til you make it.

Have you talked to your best friends about how you feel?

Asking people what they are watching at the moment usually works for me. Most people have a TV/streaming. Even if you haven’t seen what they watch you can ask them to tell you about it or discuss the actors in it etc.

At work things e.g conference I ask people where they are from. If I don’t know the place then I ask what it’s known for. I usually find something to relate to.

Asking about pets can work well - if people don’t have pets they’d usually like to. People rarely hate animals.

Occasionally I just launch into a story like ‘I sat next to the weirdest guy on the train here’.

I felt the same until I realised I’m autistic, now I forgive myself for all my social awkwardness because it’s hard wired into my brain.

What was your relationship with your parents and siblings like?
Patterns ingrained in childhood can be very difficult to undo.
Therapy can be very helpful, I would suggest something like psychotherapy rather than CBT.

I personally don't think it's all that bad being reserved around people. People are disgusting these days. It's much better to observe than to speak outright. I think you are just fine being open with a close friend. We should save those open times for people we trust. No advice for the school mum thing. I don't do all that 🤣

What @Jellycats4life, said - I, too, have autism and am overwhelmed by noisy, crowded places, noisy, vulgar individuals, making inane small talk and choose, very carefully, those with whom I interact and, as the old saying goes, "those who don't mind matter, and those who mind don't matter"

And two quotes from the extraordinarily sagacious and wise Eleanor Roosevelt:

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent"

Everbody has the right to be an individual, in fact, you have a responsibility to be one"

Three mantras which have now become my philosophy for dealing with akward situations and people.

And as @anareen said - better to keep your eyes and ears open and mouth shut, much of the time!

Nobody's approval is needed to be your Self.