Sorry for a long post, but I think some context needs to be given, it's a long story and difficult to keep short (and maybe hard to understand). I have a live-in boyfriend, same age as me, for the last 10+ years. I met this colleague of mine three years ago, he's 8 years younger than me. We sort of hit it off the way colleagues do at the work place, but didn't hang out outside of work. There was a party at work and he sat by me the entire night, us being lost in our private conversation, our internal jokes being fired away. I noticed him constantly brushing his leg against mine, leaning in very closely to my face but nothing more than that. Just the kind of closeness that's acceptable in me thinking that he's just a "up-close and personal" type of guy. I have, however, noticed that he doesn't do that with other colleagues, but I just brushed it off at the time.
Later during that year, we started textinga bit, just a friendly conversation that led to some deeper questions about our lives, some secrets and general funny banter. No compliments or anything like that. One night, my father got ill and had to go to the hospital and my boyfriend was away for work and couldn't be reached per phone. I was at a frenzy the entire night and this colleague of mine stayed up chatting with me, knowing I was in distress. I really appreciated him doing this and said I thought it was very kind and thoughtful. The last couple of years leading up 'til now have been us texting each other off and on and him occasionally just stopping his replies, which have made me sad since I really do value him and our private sort of humour. He never texts first though. Whenever we met, it was as if nothing ever happened, he was as happy, funny and kind as always. It did, however, bother me that he so easily could just basically ghost me friend-wise, making me ask myself what I'm doing wrong and if this is a one-sided relationship. It should be noted that during this period, we didn't work at the same place, but the same building.
Six months ago we, again, started working together. At this point, there had been radio silence between us for quite some time since I decided not to try and contact someone who's on and off like that. The very first day of work, he came up and struck up conversation like everything was like it's always been. The close proximity, the laughter, everything. We went away on this work trip and a friend of mine pulled me aside to ask me if he's into me. She had noticed during dinner that he was just gawking lovingly at me, stayed as close as he could, leaning in towards me. When we were walking, he sort of was bumping into me sideways with his body multiple times. I asked him how life was going and after quite some talking he (almost reluctantly) told me he was "seeing this girl" (he did not call her a girlfriend), which I thought was odd, but I guess some people are more private about details like that. The entire work trip, it was the same thing - always being close to me, pouring me water (none to the other girls at the table), laughing and looking deeply in my eyes. On the way home, we sat together in the backseat of the car crying with laughter and just being silly, touching each other's hands. Since he's younger than me and really attractive, I've always just assumed he cannot be attracted to me, even though I know multiple people who are. It just seems bizarre that someone as attractive as he is would be into a older woman when he easily could get anyone he wants. The girl he seing is, however, older than me and in my not so humble opinion, not as attractive (but I don't know her, looks are not everything).
Since we're now working more closely, I've tried to text some things to him, for example if someone is looking for him, but no answer. When confronted about this, he said he just quit using that chat app. Oh well. I asked him if he needed a ride home one night when it was cold, but he didn't want to do that (my BF was driving that night). Now, whenever we meet, he's close to me, really focusing on me, bumping into me the same way. Some people have noticed this, which made him a bit awkward when we talk and there's people around. When we are alone, however, he's close again. It has happened on multiple occasions that we've both been working late, and instead of going home we start talking, sometimes we stay one hour when we just as easily could have gone home. He gets visibly nervous around me most of the time. Since I value him as a friend, I recently asked him if he wanted to do anything outside of work, just him and me, and he got really awkward about it. It ended with him essentially just leaving me hanging with no reason why he wouldn't want to hang out. This really hurt me. My BF recently proposed (and I said yes), and when telling my colleagues about this, he did not look happy at all, didn't congratulate me or anything, he just said "So you're getting married?" Whenever I mention my SO, he looks sad - or maybe that's my imagination.
The main thing that confuses me is the closeness IRL, while he is basically a ghost chat-wise. The friend of mine that noticed him gawking thinks he might have feelings for me, but it's too painful for him to keep texting me when he's alone (or he doesn't want to in front of his girlfriend), but he can't keep away while we're alone at work.
My BF of 10+ years has really just forgotten about me it seems, especially since the proposal. We've had plenty of time planning our wedding, but I can tell there's no effort there, which made me feel like it was just a thing he did and nothing more. We're just going through the motions since quite a while, but I do love him. I can't deny that I find my colleague really attractive, but at most it's a crush. It just feels inevitable that I in some ways want to explore what I feel for my colleague when I feel forgotten by my spouse. My colleague is leaving soon, and since he doesn't want to see me outside of work, I have a hard time getting to the truth. What if this turns out to be the one I'm supposed to be with? It's getting to the point where this is really bothering me. The signs my colleague might not be the most obvious, and maybe I'm being delusional? But my instinct as a female is screaming at me that he's into me - when we're alone that is. Other times, I'm not so sure. What if he's just being nice when he decides to stay and talk at work? On the other hand, he doesn't do that with the others.
Is he into me? What should I do? I really want the truth to come out, and I know asking him at work will be a bad deal. I miss my friend (he's my closest friend at work) but I'm also crushing on him which might make me see signs that might not be there. Am I delusional? Other times in life when my intuition has told me someone's into, I've been correct 100% of the times.