Sister becoming mean/passive aggressive

[PJHarvey]

I used to be very close to my sister but over the last year or so things have been getting more and more strained, and I don't know whether to confront her.

She was my maid of honour last year for my wedding and was quite difficult about certain aspects (being awkward about going to dress fittings for example), did nothing to organise the hen or really do anything much on the day, my lovely friends stepped up thankfully. My sister is scowling in most of the pictures and there's not a single one of her smiling. When she got married and I was bridesmaid I put lots of effort in for her hen and on the day itself.

Over the last few months she has been regularly making subtle digs at me in front of other people, or trying to embarrass me. For example bringing up something supposedly embarrassing that I did as a toddler (ridiculous right?) or cheesy music I listened to as a teen. She gives me this half glare/half smug look as she says it. I don't actually feel embarrassed but I do feel extremely uncomfortable (and very sad) that she seems to take pleasure in trying to hurt me.

She has also told stories about past events to make out like I did something wrong or silly, when that actually wasn't the case (or in one example she was actually the one who messed up but tries to blame me).

Recently she organised a family lunch and only texted me an hour beforehand (I couldn't go at such short notice).

She's always been a bit moody but lately it just feels more vindictive. On their own these are probably small things but they're becoming a pattern.

My DH sees it too and says I should totally ignore her, don't give her a reaction, but part of me wants to have it out with her. It's really upsetting because we used to be so close but now I feel like she's turning into a different person.

Should I confront her and try to sort things out or take a massive step back?

i'd probably try to talk to her about it, and see if she'll admit what's going on (if she knows it herself). Sounds like something has changed/has happened to make her jealous of you

jealousy

Weird

its so hard to second guess people’s motives.

How would you feel about talking to her about it? Say you’ve noticed …..

Otherwise you just risk withdrawing from her, which as someone who hates confrontation is what I’d do!

my first thought was she's jealous of you.

What usually happens if we have any kind of row is that she accuses me of being nasty to her (for calling her out), calls me annoying and then ignores me for weeks.

There's also a pretty big age gap (8 years) so because we've been at different stages at different times, I never really considered the jealousy thing.

We were close as our family situation wasn't easy growing up, so we were a support to each other, but now I don't really know what's gone wrong.

Are you the older one by any chance?

What you're describing is sibling rivalry taken into adulthood - basically trying to one-up your sibling at any given chance. It probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how she perceives herself and what is going on in her life

Our siblings are often our foils that make our flaws (real and imagined) stand out to us because its almost natural to compare yourself to someone you've known yours or theirs whole life - especially if you are close, as they are always at the forefront of one's mind.

So yes, she can be jealous / envious of something...and you should absolutely point this out. Tell her you've noticed and just ask her why is she trying to upset you and that the only thing that does is her attempt.

It does sound like jealousy in some form. Has something happened recently to highlight differences in your lives? Just some I can think of off the top my head:

Is she in a happy marriage?

Has she been trying for children and you have them?

Do you have a "better" job than her?

Do you have more money/nicer things than her?

Are you more socially liked or treated differently to her?

There could be so many things that make people feel jealous or bitter. It's odd that it's come out of nowhere.

There is a film called Rachel at the Wedding about a younger sister who tries to ruin her sister's wedding out of jealousy - as another poster said it's a very common dynamic

I agree with your husband, she is looking for your reaction, preferably a bad one. Grey rock her, she is jealous.

It’s interesting that you use the words ‘confront her’ and ‘having a row’ - is this always the way communication goes with you both?

Is it possible to have a calm, assertive, compassionate conversation at least from your side?

Even if she escalates - you don’t have to. Don’t expect things to resolve in the conversation but you are sowing seeds and you can outline consequences and act on them so shifting the balance of the conversation.

Basically approach the conversation as ‘shining a light’ on it - so she can explore her own motivations and why she is acting out to you. She is unlikely to tell you why but hopefully you will prompt some insight and reflection.

She is 100% bullying you. Classic MO - “little digs” sufficiently small that if you called them out in the moment you might feel foolish and she would declare “Its only a joke don’t be so sensitive” But it’s all designed to be cumulative.

Approach it by saying you are sad as you relationship seems to be eroding. That when she says X you feel hurt - is she aware of this and is it her intention?

See where that goes. Doesn’t have to be too deep. You can pick it up another time - or adapt your behaviour.

Also know that others will know what she’s doing and think less of her for it.

If she is jealous (likely) she’s never going to admit to that.

You can also withdraw shift gears in your interactions with her.

Is there shit going on with her - or is it unresolved childhood stuff where she is emotionally reactive rather than responsive?

How old is she? My sister is clearly pre menopause and seems to have had a personality transplant

Thanks for the replies. To answer some questions:

I'm the younger one.

She is married, seems to be happy enough though I don't think she treats her husband particularly well to be honest.

Peri menopause could be a factor.

It's very hard to have a calm conversation with her about something like this. She just flies off the handle at any kind of criticism, real or perceived. One of her excuses is "I've had a hard life and this isn't fair" (as mentioned there have been childhood issues). She genuinely seems to believe she's entitled to take her anger/unhappiness out on other people who she thinks had it easier.

I was badly affected by our childhood too, but that doesn't matter apparently. I think she badly needs therapy but she will not engage with it.

I have had some success in the past bringing these kinds of issues to a head. She rages at me and then sulks for weeks but usually apologises in the end. If I don't do that it will just be ongoing tension and snide comments which is worse. I hate all this though, I shouldn't have to keep having to stand up for myself and then get raged at. There's literally nobody else in my life who behaves like this. I'm generally pretty easy going and not difficult to get along with!

I have a friend in a similar situation and it's very hurtful for her. I think in that case it's uber competitiveness and jealousy.

The difficult sister has a great life, high earner, gorgeous house, husband and kids. Yet she still seems to resent her sister over stupid stuff that happened when they were teenagers. It's just so petty and immature.

So in your first post you ask the question should you confront or take a step back. I would ask you which of these you want to do? They are your two options.

I think you can do both - but then add in a boundary stipulation and consequence - and then enact it.

Seems that she does the sulk and flounce as a method to hurt you and control the situation.

She’s the one currently holding the power of the timeline. You need to redress that.

She is likely emotionally dysregulated due to cPTSD (flys off the handle).

That’s not her fault but it is her responsibility now to be accountable for seeking help to process and work through her past so that it doesn’t control her present.

Hurt people, hurt people.

This might explain it but it doesn’t excuse it.

Read up on the COIN approach to difficult conversations (context, observation, impact, next steps).

Basically factually and objectively lay out the impact her actions have on you and if they continue to happen what the consequences will be.

Sign-post her to professional help. Don’t get drawn down into the details - just that you are impacted by her and it has to stop or the next time you will walk away, put down the phone and not see her unless she reflects and apologises within 48hrs. And that if she is unable to do that or after apologising behaves badly again that you will have to withdraw from her life as you will not be subjected to attacks. Tell her if your presence is so triggering for her then you will take yourself out of punching distance and you will be doing her a favour.

You don’t need to endure this.

Good luck - find your strength in calmly lying it out and calmly walking away if she flies into a rage.

With my sister I only ever had two messages for her - get some therapy and stop drinking.

Thank you @Gloriously that's really helpful advice.

It's the fear of the rages that hold me back, and it's so frustrating because it should be possible to have an adult conversation. But as you say, I can do that from my side at the very least.

So I messaged her yesterday evening to say that I think we should have a talk (before a family event that's coming up in a few weeks), and is there a time that suits her?

I got back "why?"

I said I feel like there's been a bit of an atmosphere for the last while and I think we should try to resolve it.

She then tells me that the atmosphere is there because I've been an absolute nightmare and I keep upsetting her.

I asked her what exactly I did and she hasn't responded. 🙄

I genuinely can't think of anything I've done to upset her, other than simply existing and living my life.

Suppose because you are the younger sister, you seem to be the peacemaker and always concede to her. She is a cunt. Stop pandering to her and tying yourself in knots. Improve your boundaries and go as low contact as possible. Ignore her and leave the room whenever she is being a total bitch. You cannot change her but you can very much change how you react and stop acting like the victim.

She sounds like she has major issues which you can’t resolve (and tbh, it isn’t your job). I would step back. She’s spoiled your wedding photos and is taking out anger which has nothing to do with you on the wrong person, maybe because you’re close and you’ve just accepted it previously.

I would send another message to say get in touch when you’re ready to tell me what I have allegedly done and leave her with the ball in her court. Let her stew, she’s aiming her anger in the wrong direction.

Turns out she's annoyed at me over a minor disagreement almost a year ago, which was resolved at the time as far as I was concerned.

No apology, she thinks stewing on it and behaving the way she has is completely reasonable. She also completely denies the put-downs and snarky comments.

She seems to want to reset now and pretend nothing happened but I find it hard to do that.

That’s good that you have had the convo.

Seems she is surprised you have raised it and she is now down playing and saving face.

I would accept her offer to get back on track but I would be ready to nip every single snipe in the bud immediately, publicly, calmly and civilly.

You know what she is very capable of now - so you are just managing her.

If you care enough in time you can demonstrate how to behave and self regulate - and sign post her to help her come to terms with and heal her childhood stuff

Thanks @Gloriously

I think you're right.

The thing she's annoyed about is also a massive overreaction on her part (she took something I said extremely personally when it wasn't intended that way). I apologised for upsetting her at the time even though I don't really believe I did anything wrong.

Still a bit frustrated, but if we're to get back on track I suppose I have to let it go.

I will be cautious around her now and will try to nip issues in the bud as best I can.

Yes l know where your coming from, my sister is jealous of me, she is younger prettier, but it's competition fell out on Christmas Eve says she will not be seeing me again, no problem to me, other sister and her get on, other sisters daughter having first baby, talk about left out in the cold, they are a nasty pair lm leaving it.just had enough no card from other sister for Xmaz.