Difficult mother relationship

[Finallygettingmarried]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this (and I know there have been other similar threads..)

My mother makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable.
I actually feel allergic to her to the extent that I sink into anxiety and depression after every interaction.

She was a good mother by most people standards; very involved. There was no neglect or abuse in my childhood. We were very close up until about 16 when I became more independent.

She is well liked, but I personally find her haughty and prone to looking down her nose at my choices.

She moans to everyone who will listen how sad she is we're not close. How I 'hate her'. The thing is, there's some truth in that. I'm not at all proud of that and I'm always incredibly -albeit superficially- nice to her to appease my guilt at not being able to stand her.

There's more in depth history with the situation, of course. But the summarised version is that I made a lot of dire mistakes (very shamefully dire, parents worst nightmare stuff), but turned my life around about 10 years ago. At my lowest point, she kicked me in the guts (metaphorically). Other family members were recruited in an attempt to turn them against me. I think she was disgusted by my perceived weakness at the time if I'm honest. She won't see it that way (about kicking me when I was down), not for a second. And because of that, I begin to doubt my own judgement when it comes to history.

Sorry, rambling now. Without going into too much detail, I'm not able to go no contact at the moment. But I may be able to in about 5 years. So this is about survival until then.

I've read so many books, tried so many different methods and strategies. I have far better boundaries now and have worked so much on myself to become more immune to her. But, being honest, it hasn't really worked.

I'm left feeling like a broken, horrible, pathetic person. No meds, therapy or books (and I've tried most!) seem to help with that.
Just wondered if anyone is out there to give me a good shake and a reality check, or alternatively some helpful suggestions of something to try...

I see things from both sides as I also have a very difficult mother who has let me down my whole life. I’ve had extended periods of NC with her to save my sanity. So I totally get how difficult and painful it is to have a mother who isn’t there for you and doesn’t get you. Perhaps the OPs mother is like this too. My reply was fairly near the beginning of the thread . Relationships are so complex in families, those between mothers and daughters especially. In my case I’ve probably tried too hard to be the opposite of my mother and failed in other ways. I have always done my absolute best though. My experience is that my daughter doesn’t try to understand me or what motivates me or how I truly feel. Yet she expects me to meet all her needs unfailingly . It’s give and take.

Would she even have a conversation with you? Is her starting point that she's without fault and that you're the problem? You're distant, serious? et centera.

Interesting what you say about her being triggered by your perceived weakness. That's like my mum. I recognise this ''type''. It's way worse than just claiming the victim position. This type is literally disgusted by what they perceives to be weakness, even though it may not be weakness, it might just be a normal predictable expression of emotion.

If this rings a bell, you're going to be pushing water up hill trying to have a conversation with your mother. I hope I'm wrong. It's so hard to accept that your mother won't communicate with you. That she'd rather pathologise you than listen to you.

The irony is that her inability to witness any normal emotion is her weakness but it's not something she can acknowledge in herself so she projects it on to me, I'm apparently sensitive, aggressive, emotional et cetera.

I've given up. I wouldn't say that that's a perfect solution. I still grieve for a version of her that could have put our relationship before her ego. But at least when I'm not trying I'm not hoping that she'll have an epiphany.

@Finallygettingmarried have you listened to The Mother Wound on audible by Bethany Webster? I listened to it and I really rate it. I went for long walks listening to it at one point when I was very upset about her silent treatments and it really helped me stand firm in my own interpretation of events. I also on the recommendation of my therapist (my second therapist, I've had three, I sound like woody allen saying that) got the mindful self-compassion workbook by kirsten neff phd and chris germer pd and I made myself do the exercises. I felt a lot better, like it all made sense and I felt I could get through it. I have exploded with rage at my mother unfortunately. But it didn't set me back as much as it would have done if I hadn't had these two resources. She had been giving me the silent treatment basically for three years. Only two emotions are allowed, bland contentment and gratitude. Any negative emotion is met with the cold shoulder and contempt. So when she came over to my house to finally talk after three years of cold shoulder/stone walling and silent treatments and victimhood, she told me that it was just my perception that she'd been giving me the silent treatment. Well, I exploded. I wish I hadn't but I did. I raged at her like I was plugged in to a generator powered by the sun. I screamed all the insults she'd flippantly and without though directed at me over the last three years. Insane, entitled, crazy, detached from reality, looking like death warmed up. Screamed like I was crazy, so well done, it took her three years but she got there. I yelled at her like I was the craziest person on a psych ward. BUT the point is, after The Mother Wound, and the mindful self-compassion book, and various other books about the rules of dysfunctional families, I was surprised by how ''ok'' I felt after the explosion of rage. If she felt shit well that's her problem. I felt relieved to finally be detaching from all the bullshit, and also, maybe relieved, because she will never forgive me, she'll is the worlds biggest victim now and that makes me sick, so we're at a total impasse now and that's kind of a relief. I can stop trying now.