My mum probably wonders why I'm distant (TW, CA)

[HiggyHop]

NC.

I get along fine now with my mum. I love her. I do care about her but I'm don't feel a huge connection to her. I don't feel the need to see her often. She only lives 20 mins away but I don't visit much. She doesn't visit me.

I think it's some sort of impasse where we both think it's the other ones responsibility to visit (more so to see her grandkids)

But we chat by text and I'll call a few times a week.

She often says things like 'I used to walk 4 miles with you in the pram, through the rain, to go see my mum'

Her mum, my nana, was wonderful, I loved her alot and miss her (she's passed)

She 'saved' me alot of times and I spent alot of time with her.

I think the lack of a deep connection is due to my childhood.

From the outside all was well. I did well at school. Was a good kid. We weren't well off but always had nice things, nice holidays, the latest toys, gadgets, pets. We were spoiled... Materialistically.

My dad was away alot. Working or doing some hobby that would last all day.

My mum struggled. I think she had MH issues.

She hit me. With her open hand. A hairbrush. A clothes hanger.

She dragged me by my hair. I remember her spitting at me.

She bit me once.

Strangled me.

Covered my mouth with one hand whilst she pinched my nose with the other. Cutting off my air completly.

I struggle because now, with her grandkids if one of us even tells our kids of verbally she will berate us and say 'leave them alone, they're just kids' etc

Yet I would have got. A beating for much less.

I remember being terrified of her bathing me because I was sure she would drown me whilst she rinsed my hair.

Writing all this down makes me think I should HATE her. But I dont.

I just feel quite apathetic towards her.

I tried to bring it up once and it didn't go well. This was about 10 years ago. She physically attacked me.

She's much older now. And quite poorly.

She is very nice and generous. And we rarely argue these days.

It's just alot to get my head around when I think of my childhood and look at my own kids now.

I lost it ONCE when my son was smaller. I saw myself in my mother and that was the last time it ever happened.

Why didn't she see the fault in herself? Stop herself?

Why can she be the grandmother they need but not the mother to me?

Sorry pinched my nose. Not punched. She covered my mouth and pinched my nose.

Just feeling sad about it tonight :(

My goodness, I'm so sorry to hear this.

I was expecting that you would say she spanked you with the wooden spoon or something. Not at all ok but it was common back in the day.

But strangling you and dragging you by your hair? Spitting at you? The fact you were afraid she might drown you. Even if we try to apply this to people's ideas of discipline very far back, this would constitute abuse. So yes, you were an abused child.

You have every right to feel the way you feel. When you were a child that needed her protection, she abused you and that trust. She failed as a mother. Now the shoe is on the other foot, she's frail and weak, you are expected to perform the role of dutiful daughter.

Would you feel better if you confronted her? I know it will be difficult for her to hear but don't think about her feelings right now. Instead, think about what's best for you.

I hear you, and I’m sorry you suffered like that.

Do you need some strategies? It’s hard when someone expects you to ‘play along’ with their version of your life.

I would reply to comments like that about your GM with ‘Yes, she was wonderful wasn’t she? Saved my bacon many a time.’.

You don’t have to make a big deal out of speaking the truth- it doesn’t need to be a confrontation. It’s not a choice between ’having it out with her’ and staying silent.

All the times you bite your tongue, find a way to say it. Don’t be hostile, don’t underplay it, just be calm and factual- ‘yes we know your approach to child rearing mum’. ‘I remember how you used to handle things mum’

I imagine with hindsight she’s horrified at what she did, and has persuaded herself that it didn’t do you any harm. Being soft with her GC is perhaps her way of making up for being an awful mother.

OP, I have this exact same relationship for the same reasons. Don't visit often and when I talk on the phone it's mainly small talk. Great at grandparenting and my kids adore them.
That's just how it is and it will never change. I doubt I'll ever have it out as they are old and frail, and I'll do things out of a sense of duty but that's it.

Bloody hell OP.
That's horrible.
I know there could be many extenuating circumstances but she was, and is, a horrible person.

I would tell her everything you said there, with as many witnesses as possible. So she has little comeback.
What an abusive bitch.

I'm sorry you were abused OP, it's not ok and you don't need to feel obligated to keep a relationship. There's a great thread on here which might be helpful called Stately Homes. It talks about having relationships purely out of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

It seems to be a really common thing for parents like this to rewrite history and not acknowledge what they were like as parents, then be totally different as grandparents.

I had a similar really strong relationship with my grandparents who often saved me from my Mum, which my mum was very jealous of. She often made the same comments about how much she did for her parents and I don't do that for her etc...I genuinely can't fathom how my grandparents raised my mum to be like she is?!

If you search generational trauma and breaking the cycle there's also some great resources/perspectives on insta/TikTok.

She wouldn't acknowledge it.

I'm not sure I want to bring it up. It would cause so much hurt.

I just wish she would acknowledge it off her own back really an apologise.

I think that's the main difference with me an dmy kids. If I get angry and shout I sit them down after. I'll explain why I got upset, that it's not ideal, people shouldn't do that and I'm sorry. And I'll try to do better.

If she just said said that to me it would help heal alot of stuff.

I used to draw pictures of her old, in a wheelchair and I would be pushing her off a cliff. I think as a kid I was already thinking about a time when she would be the vulnerable one and need my care.

Of course I would never harm her. I live her.

So I wonder how she was able to harm me.

I was a child.

A primary school age child.

I'm sorry you've been through the same.

In my teens I actually hated her.

Now I love her but just don't understand

Oh my goodness, I am so so sorry this happened to you when you were a child. You sound incredibly generous that you aren’t furious and full of hatred towards her. I would imagine it’s a copy mechanism that you feel nothing much. I think you probably should seek some kind of therapy and counselling to process all this. Don’t worry about what you are or aren’t doing or being for and towards your mother.

I've had therapy but always for my issues as an adult.

I'm a bit scared to get therapy for what happened as DH had similar and his Psychologist reported his parent to Social services as he was around kids.

I don't want that to happen to my mum.