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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nine months still not over ex

16 replies

wishingforhappy · 08/10/2023 18:54

I have tried everything counselling, no contact, no social media, hobbies, new job ...but the pain is there every day I don't want to feel like this anymore.
He is with someone else they have had a baby they are a family.
My heart hurts every day.
It's been 18 months since we broke up, I think about him everyday.
I keep it all in as people would think I am crazy to still care.
I don't know why I am writing this I am just sad

OP posts:
Original poster
wishingforhappy · 08/10/2023 18:55

18 months not nine

OP posts:
Neverinamonthofsundays · 08/10/2023 18:55

Oh you poor love. I get that you are sad but he clearly cheated on you and that alone should make you angry rather than upset.

Original poster
wishingforhappy · 08/10/2023 18:57

@Neverinamonthofsundays I know he's not worth it I just wish I could get my heart to understand that

OP posts:
Original poster
wishingforhappy · 08/10/2023 18:59

Is someone wrong with me do I not have enough self esteem people bounce back from break ups all the time why can't I

OP posts:
BeckiWithAnI · 08/10/2023 19:19

Have you had chance to truly process the relationship? You said you have had counseling, was this at the beginning? The focus of that may have been dealing with the breakup itself. It sounds like now you need help dissecting the relationship and what went wrong. As PP said, it sounds like he cheated on you, or at the least moved on very quickly. Either way, it sounds like the relationship was over long before it was actually over. Have you really been honest with yourself about this? Sometimes people just aren’t meant to be, but we spend a long time trying to convince ourselves it is and carrying on long after the relationship is dead. It sounds like your mind is still in that space where you aren’t processing what you’ve learned about yourself, what you want and need from a relationship and let go of something that was unhealthy and holding you back.

Whenwillitpass · 08/10/2023 19:19

This sounds very hard. Heartbreak is an awful feeling and I guess there is no set amount of time for the pain to end, but it sounds like this break up is stopping you moving on in your life. You seem to be doing all the ‘recommended’ things. Was the counselling helpful at all? Maybe you just need a bit more time to process. Many years ago I had an ex that I really struggled to get over, I was sad about it for years and actually only got over him when I met someone else about 4 years later. The pain did fade to a more manageable level after the first year or so, even though it didn’t go completely until I met my next boyfriend after him.

Original poster
wishingforhappy · 08/10/2023 19:31

@BeckiWithAnI I am still in counselling all he says is it takes people different amount of times to get over these things. It Just feels like a waste of time. I know why we broke up because he preferred her so he left for her.
I just want the sadness to go away I am to scared to date again incase I get hurt again.

OP posts:
Original poster
wishingforhappy · 08/10/2023 19:32

@Whenwillitpass that's what it feels like it's manageable as in I can hide it well but it's always there. I am to scared to date again if it effects me this much

OP posts:
Daffodil18 · 08/10/2023 19:38

I know it’s crude but as they say ‘The best way to get over someone is to get under someone’. If it had been a short time I wouldn’t recommend dating but seeing as it’s been 18 months, I think you need to change tactics. Try going on OLD. I did this when me and my ex broke up. I never met up with anyone but it gave me a boost. I mean what’s the worst that can happen by just chatting, as it doesn’t sound like you can feel any worse.

CandyLeBonBon · 08/10/2023 19:43

If it's any consolation op I still haven't healed from my breakup with my ex. He treated me appallingly, lied, cheated, stole money and utterly devastated me.

He remarried really quickly and I've been with someone for 5 years whom I adore.

I've never really got over what he put me through.

I don't want him back, not do I miss him or want him in any way but it's the scars and the awfulness of the mess he made that stayed with me.

Not sure I'll ever truly recover from that.

But I'm happier and more content with my life now he's gone and I probably need therapy now the immediacy of the breakup is gone, to process the trauma he put me through.

I guess it's just about time. Eventually it heals, I guess. Sending Flowers - you're not alone x

BeckiWithAnI · 08/10/2023 20:03

You say you’re scared to date again in case you get hurt, but that really depends what you want from it. If you’re looking for some kind of long term thing you may be horrendously disappointed, but if you treat it as just a new experience of meeting new people, and going to nice new date spots it could do you the world of good. As a previous poster said, maybe try OLD. You don’t even need to meet anyone IRL, but talking to people and having a little flirt could do your self esteem the world of good.
He left you for someone else, and I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but he wouldn’t have if your relationship was solid. I think perhaps you have rose tinted spectacles on about the relationship you had. Dating might help you see there is someone better for you out there, who makes you happy and doesn’t look elsewhere.

Original poster
wishingforhappy · 08/10/2023 20:27

@BeckiWithAnI oh no I know the relationship wasn't perfect he was a liar but I just can't help but miss him, that's why I am worried about why it's taking so long because I know he would have left me sooner or later.
I just don't know what's lacking in me to still feel this way. I'm a long gone memory for him .
I have looked on old I just don't like anyone but I guess that's cause my stupid heart is still with him

OP posts:
Original poster
wishingforhappy · 08/10/2023 20:28

@CandyLeBonBon I am so glad you found your happiness again xxx

OP posts:
BeckiWithAnI · 08/10/2023 21:23

You’re not giving yourself enough slack for what being cheated on does to your sense of self. He’s made you feel you were lacking, so now you think you are.

Keep up the counseling and stop punishing yourself for still feeling the way you do. There are no timelines for grief. We are all different and each relationship is different. If you were together a long time, of course you’re going to miss him, or at the very least that feeling of being with someone familiar. The thought of building that level of familiarity with someone new can be daunting, especially if you’ve had your trust broken.

Be kinder and more patient with yourself.

Original poster
wishingforhappy · 08/10/2023 21:44

@BeckiWithAnI thank you I really appreciate that xx

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 09/10/2023 07:52

The way he behaved towards you will mean you are somewhat stuck.

Don't underestimate the trauma of being cheated on and betrayed. It's devastating.

Have you had therapy? It's more than just him. You need to explore why you're finding it harder to let go.

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