I would like some outside perspective on my situation, finances, household upkeep and some other stuff. For context, I (29) have been married to my partner (30) for 5 years and together for about 14 years. We have 3 kids together and as time goes on I just feel like things are getting harder and harder and I want to know if I am being unreasonable for expecting more from my partner.
I will start with finances as this is what has triggered this post today. I make ~£90k/year and my partner makes £30k/year, plus my partner receives child maintenance and also disability allowance for our youngest totalling ~£450/month additional income. I take care of the vast majority of our household expenses, mortgage (800), groceries (~550), electric (144), heating oil, life insurance, internet, Netflix, household/car repairs, any meals out, any days out with kids, etc. plus pension and savings. My partner takes care of our household rates bill (220) and their car (300 + 150 fuel), and childcare (~200), plus kids clothes.
The issue is that I don’t think my partners monthly bills and expenses are unreasonable, however, over the past 5 years I have had to balance transfer about 20k of debt off my partners credit card as they keep running up credit cards with high interest rates, exceeding the limit and then panicking when they are in a hole and I have to bail them out by essentially taking on the debt myself by balance transferring to an interest free card in my name to try and stop the interest. The debt is always hidden until it’s unmanageable, to the point where my partner also has 2 personal loans totalling around 8k. Its been around 6 months since the last time this happened and I took on about 7k of debt on top of the debt I was already paying off at the time. As it sits I still have about 5.5k on a balance transfer card costing me £500+ per month until it’s cleared.
That brings us to today, new pair of shoes arrive while I’m home with the kids and partner is working, invoice in box says £140 paid with Klarna, it’s not a credit card but it is essentially just more hidden debt. I went into a bit of a spiral and checked by wife’s iPad to see she has an M&S credit card added to her Apple Pay (I think it’s the same one I cleared balance on a few months ago by transferring). I don’t know how much is on that card but I dread to think. Every single time this happens it’s always the last time, never going to happen again, etc.
Im trying my best not to go over the edge here but I don’t know what to do. My partner and I have separate finances and I like that because I don’t ever want either of us to be trapped, we’re still relatively young and life/mental illness etc. happens and things change. I don’t want to have financial control over my partner, I don’t want to be checking bank statements every month to see what they are spending, etc., but what do I do at this point?
On to the household upkeep issues. I work 50-60 hours a week in a relatively stressful job, however it is mostly from home, I do meal prep, groceries and do all the cooking and keep on top of the kitchen/dining room (dishwasher, floors, surfaces, etc.). I take care of everything outside the house, we live in the country with 7 acres of land and a huge garden that takes a long time to try and keep on top off. I get up with the kids a few mornings a week and do school/nursery runs for 3 kids 2 days a week and end up working late to make up time.
My partner works 33 hours a week in 3 shifts, does the laundry, tidies up round the house a bit and does the other school runs etc. Their shifts are normally Friday night and all day Sunday, plus one shift midweek.
What this means is that I finish work on a Friday, make dinner, partner leaves for work and I put kids to bed, won’t see my partner most of Saturday or all of Sunday with 3 kids to take care off before I start work again on Monday. When the weekend comes around the house is like a bomb has went off, zero effort to try and leave it reasonably tidy or do many chores around the place whatsoever. Partner is in bed at 7pm every night during the week watching tv, no matter what needs done around the house. Laundry barely gets done most of the time.
2 weeks ago I made the decision to hire a cleaner because I don’t want to keep spending my Saturdays trying to tidy up the house which has been ignored for a couple of days. I can afford it it just means I won’t save as much or has as much spending money. I thought we were finally on top of the spending issues and the debt should be paid off soon until I realised today she is spending on a credit card again.
I might just be tired and fed up, I feel guilty for expecting more from my partner but feel like I never stop and I am more than doing my part, I provide financially for the majority of our needs, work almost double some weeks and am constantly tired, but I can’t help but get worked up when my wife is in bed at 7 every night with time to watch a couple of episodes, as if the baby monitor doesn’t work outside our bedroom.
Do I need a reality check?