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Original poster

Lying By Omission

27 replies

Blowingrasberries · 08/10/2023 18:09

I’ve just had a row with my partner over his whereabouts at the start of the weekend. We have a stable relationship and have been together 3 years. Prior, he was with his ex for 26 years and they share several adult children. I came on the scene 5 years after they split up.
His ex has made it clear she does not accept me in his life. The rest of his family have been extremely welcoming, but there are times when I can’t attend family functions when the ex is present as she bans me. This is not very often and everyone feels bad about it. If possible the children will put on two events so I can attend on one occasion and the ex on the other.
I don’t live with my partner. There have been evenings where I know he has gone over to his ex so they can have a family get together playing board games etc. He never tells me openly when this happens, I usually stumble across it later. Or he has taken his ex food shopping as she doesn’t drive. It does irritate me and I have said so but I’ve not put ultimatums down or kicked off - I’ve just said it makes me feel a bit like “the other woman”.
Today we had a row because I discovered that he had spent an evening at his ex’s with the family as he had lost their beloved family pet. I would have absolutely NO issue with this at all!! But instead of telling me he tried to hide it. He first implied (by being vague) that he couldn’t come and see me as the family were coming to comfort him. Later he tripped up and said he was at his ex’s but she went out. He then tripped up again and it was clear she had been there (as she should be).
I am really cross about this. By omitting being transparent it makes me lose trust in what he says. He tried to defend himself by saying:

  • He didn’t actually lie, he just didn’t tell me everything
  • I should ask if I want to know anything
  • The reason he didn’t tell me was because he was saving my feelings
I told him my issue wasn’t where he had been etc - my issue was how he had lied by omission and how that erodes trust between us. This isn’t the first time he’s omitted telling me the full story on stuff. I can’t work out what his motivation is. I don’t like that he does it and I don’t like how, when challenged, he tries to assume little responsibility and acts like it’s my job to dig out the full picture, and that motivation is altruistic. I just don’t buy that. Would you?
OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 08/10/2023 18:19

He’s a liar, bin him off.

luckysonofagun · 08/10/2023 18:23

I think you need to sit down and agree what's acceptable and what's not for both of you and agree to be honest going forward and if something comes up that is unclear to discuss it together. No sneaking around.

It sounds like he's hoping to do these things without you finding out for an easy life. That's either because you give him grief/make him feel bad. Or it's because he knows he's out of line but he's trying to appease his ex.

Tbh I'd find it hard being with someone who's so entwined with their ex particularly given they have no dependants. They both need to move on.

AuntieStella · 08/10/2023 18:28

The reason he didn’t tell me was because he was saving my feelings

Ah, that old chestnut. Right up there with "I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be like this" - ie totally missing the point that you're angry about the habit of lying, not the latest incident he'd lied about.

It is difficult to trust someone who does this deliberately. Where do you see this relationship going? Do you think you'll ever want to move in with him?

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 08/10/2023 18:54

He's a liar. He makes the situation dodgy by hiding it. If he really doesn't understand that, not sure where you can go from there.

Original poster
Blowingrasberries · 08/10/2023 19:05

Thank you for your replies. We are heading towards living together but this has stopped me dead in my tracks. I don’t like the act of unwarranted deception itself. And I don’t like the way he’s handled it when I’ve confronted him. Instead of taking responsibility he’s initially tried to twist things to enable him to say “I wasn’t actually lying - she did go out the next day” … then tried to guilt me into shutting up “now is not the time when I’ve just lost my pet” … At no point did he hold his hands up and say “yep! I was deceptive and I understand this is an issue, let discuss the deceit”. This is actually a big deal for me. I’m not sure he realises how damaging this is. He is a very calm, quiet, unassuming, kind man. I’m now looking at those qualities and wondering if they’re a front for someone who is actually self pleasing, inconsiderate and false. A facade.
I agree we need to sit down and go over what’s acceptable. I don’t know if I can trust him now though. I’ve said in the past that she excludes me to make life difficult for him (like the children’s weddings, grandchildren’s birthdays) so why does he want to make her life easy by taking her shopping? I’ve asked him how he would feel if I went shopping with my ex? (He would hate it). The result is: he still takes her but omits telling me. So what I’m seeing is: he will do exactly as he pleases and will just not mention anything to me. If caught out - he will try and turn it onto me.
He has just come home now and is acting all normal and I’m actually fuming. Really fuming. I’ve had to take myself for a bath to calm down.

OP posts:
RandomForest · 08/10/2023 19:34

One rule for you another one for him.

He's probably the same with his ex, probably doesn't want her having a male friend/lover/companion in her life.

Some men want it all, and for that to happen, lies of ommision must occur.

Get rid, he's a liar.

caringcarer · 08/10/2023 19:37

DustyLee123 · 08/10/2023 18:19

He’s a liar, bin him off.

This.

mrsjareth · 08/10/2023 19:47

He is still putting his ex first and he always will. Or he will do what he prefers without caring how it affects you. Don't waste your time and your life with a selfish arse like this. Get out now before you make any real commitments.

AuntieStella · 08/10/2023 19:49

We are heading towards living together but this has stopped me dead in my tracks

Stay stopped, until you have thoroughly bottomed this out.

LightSpeeds · 08/10/2023 19:53

Just wow! A bit of a disrespectful, lying wimp you've got there.

They haven't totally split up have they, because he still seems quite enmeshed with her.

Oldthyme · 08/10/2023 20:06

@Blowingrasberries

“I’m now looking at those qualities and wondering if they’re a front for someone who is actually self pleasing, inconsiderate and false. A facade.”

I put up with nonsense like this for years. It was like walking on shifting sand. Never knew what to believe and all trust was sucked from our relationship.
Im so glad I got out and saved myself from more of the same. Such a huge relief.

Original poster
Blowingrasberries · 08/10/2023 20:22

Thank you for all your replies. I’m still lying in the bath fuming and putting my thoughts together for when I get out and sit down to talk to him. You’re all right - I’m not prepared to go forward with someone who chooses to deceive. The “crimes” he’s covering up are not even big enough issues to lie over. He is lying because he doesn’t want to have to face up to the fact that each offence adds a layer of disrespect towards my feelings. He knows this and hence the reason he lies. If he had to admit he had taken her shopping, for example, he would have to face the fact he dances to her tune and expects me to as well. In the meantime, each time we are not together, I’m wondering what he’s doing and when I ask him, I’m wondering if he’s lying.
No - this isn’t for me. I’m going to hop out of the bath, drink my tea and then tell him where we are at. As I said -this isn’t the first time I’ve discovered the sort of information you would expect to have shared with you.

OP posts:
Yankeescot · 08/10/2023 22:59

Please come back to let us know how the talk goes, OP! I'm in a similar situation and I feel your angst. My partner of 3 years is so damn enmeshed with his ex and her entire family. Big family Sunday dinners, every damn Sunday. All Holiday's spent with ex and her family, while I spend the day completely on my Jack Jones. I think I'm a big damn secret and I totally get where you're coming from on feeling like "the other woman". His Kids are also Adults and I really feel done also. In the 3 years, I've met his adult Daughter briefly one time. I've never met his Son. It's like death by a 1000 cuts isn't it? His EXW is a psychologist and it's all such a f*cked up dynamic.

The difference is that he always tells me. He will cancel plans with me if his ex in laws ask him over to join them all. I asked him last year why he bothered getting a divorce. I keep making more distance between us and am really starting to care less and less.

Jhvnnoo0008889837373 · 08/10/2023 23:54

Why is he spending so much time with her if his children are adults? Surely he would do things one on one with the kids without her involvement? I find this set up very strange

Dotcheck · 09/10/2023 00:00

He takes her shopping
He gives her the right to ban you from family gatherings
He lies

First post nailed it- he’s a liar, in the bin he goes

Original poster
Blowingrasberries · 11/10/2023 00:16

@Yankeescot I had the chat. It was quite laborious as we flip flopped from denying any purposeful exclusion of facts, to admitting he tried to avoid telling me stuff … to be honest we didn’t really get anywhere and went round in circles. It annoyed me that be implied I was volatile when he mentions his ex (i am not) simply because I’m not happy with the unacceptable way she controls events and I express my dislike (in a calm, unthreatening way I might add!) I didn’t get a sense of conclusion. He has said he wants to go forward with him telling me all details and being transparent. I’ll see how that fits us for a bit. If it actually happens and if I believe him.

I can so relate to what you’re experiencing. It does make you withdraw, doesn’t it? Why can’t you meet his children? What reason does your partner give? Does his ex know about you? Why can’t you be invited along? Who drew an end to their relationship? Do you think they maintain these family gatherings for the sake of the adult
children or for their own benefit? Are you the first post breakup relationship? Does his ex have a partner?

OP posts:
bronkie · 11/10/2023 00:48

He's weak and needs to realise that his ex is that - an ex. Fuck taking her shopping. That's pathetic. He also needs to stop lying.

Want2breakfree · 11/10/2023 01:06

He wants his cake and to eat it. Bin him as he has poor boundaries. I had an ex who was the same, would go and discuss our relationship with his ex! They are trying to fool you into thinking this is normal and acceptable, it's not. They need to move on from each other. It's not fair bringing other people into their messed up dynamic.

UtterlyButterly2048 · 11/10/2023 05:20

The lack of backbone in this man would give me the ick. Why on earth does she get to “ban you” from events? The DC are adult, you all are, people need to move on. He needs to stop running around after her, or at least be man enough to admit to you when he is.

Helga55 · 11/10/2023 05:52

Whilst I agree that you should bin him off, I also wonder what would happen if you insisted on going to family events if the exw has 'banned' you? Why not take lead (when you know these events are going to happen) & tell him you're coming as well

CheekyHobson · 11/10/2023 05:59

Unless the family events that you are being “banned” from are being held at the ex’s house, the fact that he’s going along with that bullshit is just as big a red flag as the lying.

And if the events you’re banned from are at her house, he should be insisting on them being held on neutral territory where she doesn’t get to control the guest list, or refusing to attend himself.

Hygeelady · 11/10/2023 06:06

This would never work out for me. Do you really see a future with someone that lies and doesn't put you first?

LightSpeeds · 11/10/2023 06:09

@Yankeescot Surely you're worth MUCH more than being treated like that?

OP, although he might have agreed to being 'transparent' with you, it doesn't sound like you're much further forward with anything else. He still sounds like a spineless weasel, accusing you of being volatile, etc. In short, you're NOT his priority (his ex still is) and he hasn't got your back. I think this may eat away at your self-esteem as time goes on. I wouldn't give it much more time before ditching him.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 11/10/2023 06:10

There are 3 of you in that relationship. It needs sorting.

Incidentally, I know of a couple (not married) where the GF is moving into his house.
He hasn’t told GF that ex wife actually OWNS the house. Ex wife lives in next road.

There’s all sorts of unhealthy dynamics going on.. including them spending Christmas Day together. When his ex wife snaps her fingers, he comes running… regardless.

lostraspberry · 11/10/2023 06:14

You're tangled up with someone who has a very complicated relationship with his ex. He knows this and that his feelings for her are strong (if not romantic), he cannot detach himself from her.

He's lying because he thinks rightly or wrongly that you have a problem with this and he's feeling guilty about it.

To be honest OP I don't think he is in a situation where he is actually ready for a relationship with you. If you want full commitment then you're in the wrong relationship.