Can I learn to like my husband again?

[anothernameanotherproblem]

Just wrote a whole post then locked my phone and it disappeared. Brilliant.

Been dreaming of leaving my husband. Came to a head this weekend. He didn't realise I had been serious. I am. Dreaming of a nice little house somewhere for me and the kids with no stress.

He's asked for counselling. I have been suggesting it for 18 months but I'm the only one who makes things happen in this relationship. And I didn't make it happen.

I can't even put into words why I want to leave. Im just sick of it all. But I feel like I should give it a chance. Can counselling really help? Can they make me like him again?

Why don't you like him OP? Bit of background xx

Sorry that would help, except I can't even put into words really. I feel like I carry the full mental load. Yes, he cleans up the kitchen and will cook if asked to, and takes the bins out. But all the other stuff like writing a shopping list, noticing that the kids clothes are too small, organising any sort of work required for the house. Cleaning out the car. Doing all the budgeting. Ferrying the kids around to their various childcare provisions. That's me.

He works 5 days, I work 3 therefore he contributes more to the bills than I do. Our full time salaries are the same, I just earn 60% of it. He makes sure I know that he's carrying the family financially. When I feel like I'm carrying it in every single other way.

He went through a shitty time after our daughter was born 4yrs ago. Lost two family members in quick succession. Probably wasn't as present a parent as he had intended but it fell into me doing every single thing for her. It was then covid and I fell pregnant again (planned) and I remember having to beg him to take her to the park to let me rest at the weekend, and it would rarely even happen then.

I saw a post on Instagram earlier about swooping in to save the day after the mother has already screamed at her kids and felt like a terrible person. That's exactly how I feel.

He’s carrying the family financially ? But he’s not. You’re working 3 days and saving him money the other 4 with housework/childcare/etc
He sounds like a knob.

I have been in your shoes. I would say definitely try couple's counselling. Unfortunately, I haven't heard anything positive about Relate and they are quite expensive. You might need to find someone privatel. I am sure there is a family therapist or a marriage counsellor locally. In the meantime you might want to look into 2 books: Why Men Walk and Women Talk and The Surrendered Wife (both available on Amazon). I hope it helps

Are you going to say what you've said here in counselling? If not, counselling is pointless.
Is it just about him wanting a reason, you feeling you owe him? If so, you don't, it is allowed to be a build up of lots of little things and simply.not having the energy to deal with a ded weight any more.

Resentment, the relationship killer.

My marriage is in the very same state, OP. I dream of having this place, or a totally new life, just me & DS. No more dirty, angry man to pick up after. DH has made this my Annus Horribilis. We’re getting on better now, and I’m really trying my best…

But even this morning, he was giving out about the house. Not just it being untidy, but 3 years of it not being up to scratch (DS is 3 years old). I was at work all day yesterday. My period arrived unexpectedly. He can fuck off. Can I like him again?

Well exactly. I worked it out. For me to work full time (assuming I could find a FT job at the same salary, not as simple as asking work to find another £12k a year to pay me) and stick the kids in nursery another 2 days then we would be £50 better off a month. Hardly worth the effort is it. And I guarantee we'd all be a lot more stressed trying to fit everything in at the weekend. Oh and I actually like spending time with my kids, and then me!

I've just read some reviews and synopses of The Surrendered Wife. Don't read it, it's antifeminist garbage. Your husband isn't doing his share at home. The answer is not to pander to that and look up to him, it's to stand up for yourself.

Thanks. I've been on a waiting list of a charity one since the summer but the availability seems a bit crap. Should've tried harder. I'm sure counselling is cheaper than a divorce.

My head is bursting with crying the whole weekend. The kids have been horrors, no doubt feeding off the terrible atmosphere and the fact that we've barely been able to get out cos of the rain.

It sounds exactly like that. He thinks I don't respect him as an equal parent. Which is sort of true. I do respect him, but don't see us as equal parents cos we're not. I do a million things more and rather than trying to even it up it he just complains that I don't respect him.

He thinks I'm controlling. I probably am tbh. But someone needs to be in control don't they? Thinks I'm hypercritical? Probably am that too. Urgh. Very aware I'm not perfect or blameless but feel slightly less at fault here than him.

I am really feeling sorry for you. I have been in your shoes when I was lonely and exhausted, kids were a handful and always sick, money very tight etc. Unfortunately, no one teaches us relationships at university! We have to figure it out on our own. Both my husband and I have come from broken families, so we had to work extra hard to keep the marriage together (25 years next year). I can assure you it is definitely possible to turn the situation around. Sorry you have been stuck on a waiting list for counselling. Can you go private? Yes, counselling is cheaper than divorce. In the meantime, please have a quick look at Five Languages of Love, Why Men Talk and Women Walk and maybe The Surrendered Wife (the last book is somewhat controversial even though it's has on average 4.5 stars rating aover 1400+reviews). I read so many books on relationships trying to work things out and those books are the best, in my opinion. I hope it helps

Hello OP, I am sorry that you are feeling this way and can tell you that I totally empathize. I was you for many, many years, and like you could not really put a label on what was happening and why I was feeling like this. I wanted to try counseling, but my ex refused, so I went alone. After couple of sessions my therapist labeled what was happening to me as emotional and financial abuse, amongst other stuff. I hear that couples counseling works for many, but I think it depends on where you are in your journey. When love and respect die I do not think you can revive it.

I can personally attest to a good experience with Relate, it's not cheap but it's cheaper than many private alternatives, and they also have options to pay less if you will struggle to find funds.

I can also personally attest to The Surrendered Wife peddling a message that is against both evidence and women's rights, as well as good writing style. Fair Play might be a more helpful read.

Hi there, I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning. I really do feel for you. Life is so hard at present, managing work and children, everyday price increases etc etc etc. I just want to say a word of caution on what to expect from marriage counselling (from my experience). It's definitely a step in the right direction. However, you won't be able to explain your entire life circumstances in 8-10 sessions (unless you manage to get longer therapy). I suspect it will still be a long hard slog to get your marriage to what it was on the day you agreed to marry your husband. Which why I suggested you read some books (I am the first to admit not everyone likes books as much as I do. I am sure there are some audio podcasts etc). They don't teach the relationship staff at school or uni, and the days when the man went to work and the wife stayed home are long gone. I learned something different from every book I read. For examples, I learned that men can't multi-task from Why Men Walk and Women Talk. So I accepted my husband couldn't empty the dish rack while waiting for his toast. I learned that some people feel loved when they are hugged, some people feel loved when they spend time together etc from Five Languages of Love. I learned that the children would rather have a happy home every day than the most exquisitely planned birthday party from the Surrendered Wife. From my experience and talking to close friends, men view a lot of things women do as completely unnecessary. Conflict arises when the wife tries to get her man to step up to what she thinks needs to be done. Something needs to give way. My children could be doing a lot better at school and my house could look a lot nicer if only things could be done my way (I think). Alternatively, my children could be doing a lot worse academically and socially if there were endless wars at home. So I gave up control for intimacy and I have a happy marriage and stable upbringing for my children. On the other hand, my husband accepts that I am a lousy housewife and would rather spend my time reading a book on the sofa than cooking fancy meals or cleaning the house above the most basic level. As long as your husband is committed to being faithful, doesn't have an active addition (gambling etc) and is not physically abusive to your or the children I think the odds are in your favour. (I am omitting emotional abuse because it often goes both ways and things that women don't consider emotional abuse come across as such to men). I hope it helps

@Tiredbehyondbelief thanks for checking back in. It's bloody hard isn't it. We have our first counselling session booked for the end of the month. I'd like to get as much from it as possible. Might start a thread on that actually!

I felt a bit more loving towards him earlier in the week and like we were both making a bit more effort. Although things felt like they were slipping again in the last day or so. His complete inability to listen when I speak drives me insane.

If your earning power is identical then surely a good solution - if he's claiming he works harder than you and therefore gets to opt out of family shitwork - is for him to drop a day, and you to increase a day.

If he says no that "won't work", then you know that he knows that you're working harder than him.

A man's inability to listen would drive any woman mad. I do suggest you get a copy of Why Women Talk and Men Walk - the subtitle is How to improve your relationship without talking about it. Good luck with counselling. My best tip about counselling - go without preconceived ideas of what your husband is going to say. I have been married for almost 25 years, He still sometimes surprises me with his line of thinking. I hope it helps.

Just putting the alternative out there - having been in that position: so you leave him - what will life look like?

Most likely you'll be working full time and doing everything at home alone. Maybe with less resentment but with far bigger responsibilities & more stress. Less money. Men like that don't generally start picking things up.

Is that a better life for you?

Try John Gottman ‘7 principles of making marriage work’. It’s a great book and worth a regular read, assuming he wants to improve your marriage too.