I have no idea what to do, getting depressed (TW - child abuse)

[Namechangad12]

I feel like I'm living in a lie and the past few months have been extremely upsetting. I have no idea what to do for my child.

A few months ago, while I was in early labour at home, I caught my husband watching CSAM on his phone. I pretended to know everything so that he would admit to the extent of what he was watching. He admitted to me that he had hundreds of pictures and videos of infants, toddlers, all the way up to teenagers of all categories A,B,C and Levels 1 to 5. I called an organisation and they, in return, called the police. I told the police everything I knew. My husband admitted to watching older teenagers so they arrested him.

I was in the hospital the next morning when I received a call from one of the police officers telling me that an initial scan of his devices didn't find anything illegal. (He was using apps that didn't save the cache) and that he would most likely not be charged or even prosecuted. They decided to release him on bail.
The police told me I could leave, but that he could apply for contact and unsupervised split custody on the basis that there is no evidence to incriminate him, and that my only defence would be that he has an addiction to pornography, or that I could stay.

I knew no judge would give supervised contact for an addiction to pornography, and I would never in a million years trust him alone with a young child, so I decided to stay until the full scan and the end of the investigation, in the hope the deeper scan would find something.

My husband sounds very charming and convinced the police officer it was all a misunderstanding, he also convinced social services who closed the case very fast.

I spoke to lawyers who told me to hang in there, that they would find evidence even if it is deleted, and that once it is found, social services would come back, that he will contact in a contact centre only, etc...

Fast forward a few months, police calls us and tell us NFA. No evidence of anything incriminating has been found. He is not on bail or under investigation anymore.

Now what? I'm stuck with him forever. I'm going to have to supervise our child 24/7. I'm never going to allow sleepovers. I have to live the rest of my life with a pedophile because if I leave he can apply for 50/50 custody and do what he pleases with our child.

All I have of him are recent audio recordings where he admits to everything.
What do I do? Do I take a chance and leave and put all my hopes on the recordings for the day he takes me to court?
Do I stay for the sake of our child?

I feel like the crappiest mother on earth. And I feel like I will fail my child no matter what I choose to do.
I wish I had found out about this before I got pregnant, the timing just felt so cruel.

Oh wow you are so brave that you went to the police and that you’ve actually stayed with him. How awful that you are in that situation. Can you suggest therapy for him if he’s willing to change. I think the worst part is that he was looking at toddlers. Can you play the long game and set up traps for him. I have no idea what this would entail but like you I wouldn’t leave and risk anything happening to my child.

Thank you for your reply and kind words!
I tried the therapy thing. He took a few sessions to show the police his progress. Then he went back to watching that content, I pleaded and pleaded but nothing, he still watches it.

I will think about the traps. I can't record anything he's doing obviously because it would be considered making or distribution, but maybe a video of him admitting?

Did the police take a full statement from you about what you saw and what he admitted to you? I'm so sorry, even after everything the police have done to destroy their credibility when it comes to women and children this is still utterly shocking. I can't imagine how you must feel. I would probably talk to my MP about the police inaction, and let SS and the LADO know as well. I can't think of any better advice, I hope someone else can, but you have my total sympathy.

I don’t think that would stand up in court it seems by what has happened to you. What about contacting those types of pedophile hunters for advice as that is essentially what they do.

This is absolutely horrible, I am so sorry. Do the police/lawyers know you have the recording of him admitting it?

I don't know anything about technology but surely there is a way they could 'bug' his phone if he is still doing this?

It seems crazy that he can still be doing this and no further action is being taken.

If you were to leave with DC, do you think he actually would go to court?

"The police told me I could leave, but that he could apply for contact and unsupervised split custody on the basis that there is no evidence to incriminate him, and that my only defence would be that he has an addiction to pornography, or that I could stay."

Was this advice actually correct?. What was the Solicitor's response to this from the police?. Are the police aware of the existence of such recordings or have the CPS deemed this inadmissable evidence?.

I would not stay for the sake of the child.

What has your Solicitor advised you do now?.

We are the Independent Office for Police Conduct | Independent Office for Police Conduct (IOPC)

I would also suggest you reach out to these people as well as your MP.

Yes they do. They told me I could send it if I wanted to but it would just make things "messy" and basically not necessarily by efficient. They would have an interview with him and ask him about it.

That's what I thought as well, but I think it's quite hard to detect unless he communicated with undercover police officers or posted pictures onto a server. From my understanding, new devices are harder to track and deleted content is harder to retrieve.

I believe he would go to court!

My solicitors told me that they would most likely find evidence, but that the accusation alone could deter a judge from giving unsupervised custody.
The thing is since the accusation comes from me, it's less solid than if it came from them finding his content online.

His solicitor told him the judge and CPS had no legs to stand on if he was found innocent.

I'll check that out!
Thank you so much!

I never thought of that! Thank you so much! I'll look into that

Op I would suggest contacting one of the paedophile hunters on social media for advice. They usually leave no stone unturned. I wouldn't suggest setting him up as that's basically entrapment but they could give you some advice on how to catch him out.

Someone who views that kind of material of toddlers and infants cannot be changed. That's deeply sick behaviour.

You're incredibly brave and incredibly strong and in your position I'd do exactly the same and stay and bide your time. He's bound to slip up.

Oh my goodness what a horrendous situation to be in. I work closely with children's social care as a health professional and I would advise that you refer your child back to children social care. Demand your child be put on a CPP (child protection plan) and do not take no for an answer. They are separate to the police but have legal department that can advise and push for contact/care/supervision orders. You would be able to use audio recordings etc in CPP meetings and the social workers would hopefully get it in front of a judge. I would gather as much evidence as you can because you can share all that with social workers.

Get as far the fuck away as you can with your baby! Please, no matter what the outcome, do not let this guy anywhere near your child!

Please do not get in touch with those pedo hunters at the moment, they fuck up police work and trials and whatnot, although they're certainly an option for if he gets away with it - especially if they do one of those videos and it can reach others so they can protect their children.

He has got away with it though. I wouldn’t suggest them setting him up but they can give OP advice on what she can do to collate evidence herself. The police have also given her advice that if she leaves then her DP can get unsupervised access to her child, so she has no choice but to stay so that she can supervise 24/7.

@Daffodil18 What can the court do about it if she just keeps baby away and refuses any and all access? (Genuine question, I haven't a clue about the system in this regard).

This whole thing is just awful, I'm so so sorry OP.

It is a good point. She could keep DC away probably for years until he takes her to court. If he is granted access and she still refuses then she could be looking at prison herself, then DP would have 24/7 access to her DC. However OP it is worth noting that this would cost him thousands in court fees. Realistically has he got this sort of money? If not then he probably won’t pursue. I know someone who’s OH has done this and he hasn’t got the money so he’s just admitted defeat. If you think he can’t afford this then maybe leave and refuse access.

OP, what an absolutely horrific situation to be locked into. I feel so sorry for how you have been let down by the police. If you still have the evidence where he has confessed, please send it to someone for safekeeping. Please do not feel any guilt - it is not your fault. Staying silent is assisting him. If you are not under threat of violence, I would be telling everyone what he has done and that you want out but are trapped because he will be granted unsupervised access to your DC.

If you have any money available, you could consider a private prosecution. In a case such as this, the state is likely to take over and you will get your money back. Please at least talk to a private prosecution solicitor.

Do also try the Independent Office for Police Conduct but I have little confidence as the matter might be passed straight back to the police officers who first dealt with your case. If so, please persevere and ask for it to be escalated.

The police are a disgrace to allow your child to live in obvious danger. I despair.

Hidden camera?

What an awful situation to be in.
I would be gone, safeguard children right now!

The problem that I can see with this is that you've stayed with him after accusing him of this (saying accused as police see him as innocent). A court will question why you have done this if you believe it's what he is doing. Esp after police and SS have closed cases.

On another note, taking you to court will only cost thousands if he has a solicitor,not if he self represents

I work in family law. Absolutely see a child care family solicitor now and tell them everything, and play them the audio. The standard of proof in family law is much lower - you only need to prove that he used child porn on the balance of probabilities ie 51% chance he did it. I would think there is a very high chance you would get supervised only contact - and surely you will not be able to supervise your own childten all times if you continue living with him, it's not sustainable.

This actually happened to a friend of mine - very similar scenario - there was only solid evidence that he had used "teen" porn - it was enough to make the family court give him supervised contact for the rest of his children's minority in the end

I also agree with above posters in that you can leave, refuse contact and wait for him to make a court application to have contact. You are completely within your rights to refuse contact unless there is a court order, and in your situation I can't imagine the court would think badly of you for doing so. There has been a police investigation into child porn and you saw what you saw. This court process take many months to conclude, and would take a huge amount of effort for him to pursue. He may not go through with it.

Put one of those key tracker spy ware things on his devices if you can.

key tracker spyware is what you need to Google.

Or can you check your router for history?

Thank you all for all your great ideas and advice. I will look into all of this.

I tried to apply for legal aid today as I can't afford a private solicitor, but was told that because there was no physical abuse currently happening to my son or myself, I wasn't eligible and would have to go through mediation with my husband to decide custody "amicably".
I will try harder and contact other solicitors as well a childcare family solicitor like @Rockingchai advised (thank you so much).

Right now, my priority is to get away. I will contact womens aid to try and find a solution as soon as possible.

Today, he looked up "I think I am a shotacon" which from what I googled, is an attraction to fictional little boys in cartoon porn loli hentai.
Earlier, he walked in on me breastfeeding my son, he kept staring and commenting/laughing about how my son would alternate between both breasts and squeeze them and then he had an erection.

I'm grossed out and feeling paranoid.

He said it was morning wood but timing is weird

But I will be getting away asap