My husband has had a porn addiction for years and it's starting to get to me

[fivenonrouses]

My husband has had a porn addiction for years and years. Only found out when we got married (we are religious so were waiting for marriage) three years ago.

It hasn't gotten better at all.

He would watch it a couple of times a day, for one to two hours.

He would also watch it at work.
He got in serious trouble once.

I would say porn and self pleasuring is his business, but it's at a point where he replaces me with sex, gives me sex very rarely and more often than not turns me down or postpones for later and then says he is tired/has forgotten/etc...

He always says he is serious about stopping, installs filters on his phone, only to deactivate them or bypass them. I helped him find therapy (sex addict anonymous), but he will only go if I keep insisting for weeks and weeks when it gets to a point where it becomes irritating, and then he'll attend one session and not again for 2 months and the circle repeats itself. He won't do it of his own will. He will say he will but then stops mentioning it and tells me he was too busy or didn't have time when I bring it up.

We have had a child and my body is not the same anymore. I went from 103 pounds for 5'3' to 123 pounds. His rejection of me makes me feel worse about it all (especially since I had anorexia for a few years).
We are 26 and we got married at 23. So I feel like things will only get worse for me in his eyes as I age and as our marriage progresses.
He used to be so cuddly and touchy with me when we were dating. It's like a flip switched during marriage and I feel like I have disappointed him and he had higher expectations, but I don't know what to do?

I offered to do whatever kink he had, I offered to spice things up, but he just wants, in his own words, something simple and vanilla. I also offered to only please him whenever he wanted it so he didn't find the obligation to please me in return, just so that he would watch less pornography, but nothing worked.

He watches all sorts of porn, including manga porn, and I can't help but feel defeated by the fact that he rejects me to go watch cartoons the same day, however judgmental that may sound.

He also doesn't want me to watch any kind of porn as it is not "religiously allowed" in his own words. He understands the hypocrisy but says he can't help it and doesn't want to drag me into it.

So in the meantime I'm just sat around frustrated waiting for him to make a move and I feel it disheartening and off-putting even.

What do I do? I feel like I've tried everything.

I offered to do whatever kink he had, I offered to spice things up, but he just wants, in his own words, something simple and vanilla. I also offered to only please him whenever he wanted it so he didn't find the obligation to please me in return, just so that he would watch less pornography, but nothing worked

This is without a doubt one of the more depressing things I’ve read on here in a decade and a half of being on MN….

He’s a lost cause OP. You know you deserve better than a porn addicted loser.

My ex husband had a porn addiction, it's true over time normal/regular sex just isn't enough. The fact he got into trouble at work for watching is (was he also madterbating?). Is proof of his addiction.
It's really not normal do do this kind of thing at work.

Its sad that you had a child with a man like that

Exactly @TickingKey46 It’s only going to get worse, as evidenced by the (absolutely mortifying) reprimand from his work. He’s ruined his life with that shit but you don’t have to let him ruin your life OP, and you shouldn’t.

Take it from bitter experience love. He won't stop. He will crush you into the ground with this.
He will always put porn above you.
My H only stopped when I told him I wanted a divorce. And he's since had tons of therapy.Basically to find out why he would be such an arsehole. Plus, we've had couples therapy where he said that none of this was my fault. That everything he'd done was horribly wrong.
Before that I had pleaded, sobbed and raged to no effect. It broke me.
It went on for YEARS and years and broke my heart.
In my case I have very serious ethical problems with porn too so it wasn't just the awful feeling of rejection and not being prioritised. It was also revulsion at his morals.
From what I understand. And believe me, I've researched the hell out of this, they CAN and do stop - but very rarely once it becomes an addiction like your H has.
They have to throw themselves on their sword like my H has done and take full responsibility.
I still think I'm going to divorce because for me all this effort has come too late. I'm so damaged.
My H talks to me about it every day, apologises, listens to my feelings. Is doing everything to earn trust and has spoken to other blokes about how wrong porn is and why he regrets ever using it.
He's like a different bloke.
It's very similar to trying to get past any other infidelity (because that's what it feels like, doesn't it?)
I have many years of an otherwise strong marriage. My H has supported and loved me through terrible times. Always been physically faithful. Cared for me through bereavement and disability.
But always with this rumbling in the background.
He hid it and lied about it. Didn't shove it in my face like your H. I'm not sure which is worse..
So that's extremely long, sorry. I just wanted you to know you're not alone and your feelings are completely justified.
TL:DR he is extremely unlikely to ever stop and he'll ruin your life. Please divorce him because if the threat of that doesn't stop him, nothing will.

@fivenonrouses
He's abusing you. He's using the religion to silence you. Call his bluff and tell your priest/imam/rabbi everything

He's sounds so gross and vile. Wasting years of his life thinking about his damn tackle all the time.

Contact women's aid, tell your parents, contact a solicitor, and find out how to extract you and your child from this waste of space.

Life's too short to waste it on his nonsense.

This is who he was before you married him, you just didn’t know it at the time. If you did, you wouldn’t have married him. He doesn’t want to change. Do not waste more of your life waiting for him to be something he isn’t and never was.

He's a porn addict and a hypocrite. You'll never be enough, because he is staring at other boobs/vaginas all day. It's just more interesting. I suspect he is also lazy, much easier to sit in a chair and watch porn than have sex which is physically active.

As someone raised Muslim, this kind of hypocrisy in men just gives me the major ick. Are you Muslim? I get this vibe from your OP.

I also offered to only please him whenever he wanted it so he didn't find the obligation to please me in return, just so that he would watch less pornography, but nothing worked

Stop disrespecting yourself like that, it’s a disgusting way to treat yourself, all for the sake of some chain wanking, hypocritical, misogynist, cartoon porn enthusiast. Is this really the life you want for yourself? He’s not fulfilling his duties as a husband, so surely your religion allows you to leave him?

^This.

Curious as to which religion bans sex before marriage but which also allows men to enjoy the abuse of women for entertainment.

Respect yourself as a human being and remember that your sons will learn this is how to treat women and your daughters will learn to expect this from men in their own relationships.

Better men are available.

He won't change because he doesn't think that he has a problem.

I know that you're religious so divorce may be frowned upon but nobody should be living with a partner like this and you must have mixed feelings attending church/mosque.

Staying will be a waste of your life and chance at happiness. This man does not care about you. He only cares about his dick so stop bending over backwards trying to distract him from porn. Being caught at work should have been a wake up call and I am very sorry that you have been dragged into his addiction.

I also want to add my exh was and still is addicted to porn. He's now 55 years old and still uses it everyday. The introduction of online porn made his addiction so much worse as then he had access to it 24/7. He confessed to me he has been obsessed with it since he was 11 and saw the magazines in a newsagent shop. I had the same issues in my marriage as you op and others with the extreme things he wanted in the bedroom etc, it kills every ounce of love trust and respect I had for him, it was the major factor in the reason for divorce. He begged me not to list it as a reason on the divorce papers but I did anyway, I took back control and no longer let it be my shame and embarrassment. The toll it took on my mental health and self esteem was monumental. It took several years and lots of counselling for me I move on. I was married to him for 20 years. I became a single parent and raised 2 dc myself. What I lacked in money I gained so much more in inner peace and contentment. You really should divorce him op. Don't waste your life on this man and don't have anymore children with him.

OP he sounds disgusting. Agree with PP that he will likely move on to prostitution etc or other gross ways to use up family income.

Don’t stay with this revolting man, and I understand you may get pressured to stay by church/ due to religious belief, but be strong for you and DC.

Yes, I agree with this. Go and speak to one of the elders at your place of worship.

Sadly and it is known by sex addicts anonymous is that they have to want to change/ hit rock bottom for this to happen. It's a disease for which there is little treatment or understanding of any causal factors.

I'm so sorry.